


And I'll follow you into the actual apocalypse (and then more)

by Alter_E, limin



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Because god knows they need it!, Bittersweet Ending, Codependency, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, No beta we die like zombies, Post post apocalypse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21878461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alter_E/pseuds/Alter_E, https://archiveofourown.org/users/limin/pseuds/limin
Summary: Daniel, Kevin and dealing with a post-apocalyptic world, and then a post-post-apocalyptic world.Ft. zombies, paranoia, probably unhealthy coping mechanisms plus mal-adaptive habits, codependency, George and more!
Relationships: Daniel | RTGameCrowd/Kevin O'Reilly
Comments: 117
Kudos: 235





	1. Killing some zombies in chapter 1 of this fic

**Author's Note:**

> The good old RPF announcement: Yes, this is a thing. Yep, I'm writing fanfic for the lads. No, don't drag this fic kicking and screaming into anyone's face, just leave it be in this corner of the internet.  
> And to all of the illiterate people who still spam this in RT's chat: congrats! Did you get the laugh, did you get the satisfaction? Are you happy? You got the whole squad laughing bro, good job.

Daniel swings his bat once, twice and then a third time before the zombie’s head finally goes flying. Its body stops struggling after that, going limp and collapsing on the ground with a small thump.

His eyes follow the head until it hits the grass a few steps away, its mouth still wide open. Two months ago he might have vomited at the sight, but after killing these again and again on a daily basis, Daniel really doesn’t give a fuck anymore. He walks over, hitting the head one last time just to be sure that it’s dead before bending down and picking it up.

No point in making a mess in his own yard, really. He puts it in the large trash bag, already halfway filled with his kill for the day, before moving onto the next zombie with a new weapon. The crowbar is one he hasn’t tried, though even if it’s more effective than the wooden bat he wouldn’t change weapon. 

One, two and the head goes flying. Not so bad, he has to admit, but the range is a bit of a problem there. He tosses the blood-stained, and then some other stuff that got onto the metal too, black liquid that was probably organ or something like that. He’s sure they don’t teach about dead bodies in biology, at least not in his school. They also don’t account for an actual zombie apocalypse though.

But still, fuck this. Really, a whole ass zombie apocalypse in real life. It’s unreal, but it’s what’s happening right now. Undeads walking the street, and he’s not sure how many survivors are there right now.

Most people in Dublin has already moved to one of those military camps already, hell, almost all of them. He has not seen another living person for the last two months, and he wanders the street a lot.

Well, not a lot. It’s mostly supply run, but you get the point. 

“Jesus Christ…” He mutters to himself, picking up the bat again. The weapon lays comfortable in his hand, steady and ready to kill. If only he actually has any actual motivation to do so though. Killing zombies days on end wear you out at some point, and the adrenaline from killing these things has definitely worn off long ago too. 

He drags the trash bag outside, flinging it in some unlucky guy’s yard instead of his. It lands with even more bags, all from Daniel and while he might feel guilty the first time, it doesn’t matter anymore.

He isn’t even sure if his neighbour is dead or alive, nor are they coming back. 

Plus, zombie apocalypse. Rules are pretty damn useless now, and no one cares if you raid a store for food or murder a zombie.

He walks back to his own place, locking the door and painstakingly moved the large chair in front of it, barricading the place. It’s the paranoia, never going away despite him knowing these things are loud enough to wake him up before they even get near the entrance and he has probably cleared out most zombies in the area, but hey, you can never be too careful these days.

Daniel lays back on the other couch in the living room, staring at the black screen of the TV. It would have been a comfortable movie night, with all the pillows and blankets around but it has been a long time since he even turned the TV on. His generator already has enough to do, adding some mindless entertainment would be a waste. 

And he’s 100% sure any cable company is off right now, the same way all the mobile services are off, cutting him from communicating with literally anyone. He can only hope his family and friends are still doing well, hell, they might even be chilling at the military base at the moment.

God, he misses them. And just human interaction in general, to be honest.

At least he still has George, though he’s not sure where has his cat gone to right now. As much as he wants to keep George inside, he can’t take the distress meowing after the first week, and George has always come back in one piece, waiting beside his little food bowl.

Do zombies only gravitate toward humans? Or is it just George being the best boy that he is? Daniel doesn’t know, but he should find out at some point just to calm his heart down a bit.

Daniel doesn’t know how long he stays there on the couch, curled up in the mess of the blanket and half-hugging his bat, but when he opens his eyes it’s to a familiar weight across his chest and George licking his arm. Has he fallen asleep? 

“Hey buddy,” He says, and George meows at him but not moving away from his chest. He just stretches, his tail leisurely moves around and Daniel shrugs as best as he can in this position. And then regretting the movement immediately when that sends a sharp pain up, and he curses. 

Definitely has fallen asleep then, and in a wrong position to makes his life a living hell too. He cracks his neck, before actually sitting up, George rolling down into his laps. “Come on, let me get up.”

He gets another meow, and Daniel sighs. “I need to refill your bowl, so go.”

As expected, George perks up at that before he jumps down in a blink of an eye, presumably running into the kitchen. He just sits there for a few more minutes, waiting for his legs to wake up before following George. He passes a few windows (one open and he guesses that’s how George got back in) that tells him it’s evening already, the sun already set. What time is it, Jesus Christ? 

Daniel opens the cabinet door, fetching the cat food and bending down until he’s eye-level with George, his cat blinking at him. His ear flickers back and forth before George leans closer to him and bumps their head together, and he chuckles. “Eat up bud.”

He pours the rest of the food into George’s bowl, making a note to go on another raiding trip to get more. His supply of canned food is still holding on pretty well, but having more won’t hurt. 

For now, though, he cracks open the canned soup and taking a sip of his cold dinner. It doesn’t taste good nor bad, it just is and he should probably heat it up first or maybe add some spices but Daniel couldn’t be bothered. He has gotten used to the taste anyway.

* * *

He’s absolutely sure that he doesn’t sleep this much before, but he also has a life to keep him busy. Between streaming and editing, and meeting up with friends, Daniel despises sleeping even if it’s an important thing that keeps him running.

Now, all he has to do is to survive through the days until….well, until something happens. He’s not sure what is he waiting for, an end maybe? Or just a new beginning in general, Daniel supposes.

…

He misses streaming. It’s always so relaxing, even when what they’re doing sometime is the total opposite of relaxing, but it still is….nice to read through the chat and the donations while playing some games. Well, was nice. 

Now, he can’t waste electricity to just check on his twitch now, can he? Not like he can, and even if he could, no one would be watching anyway. He isn’t sure how he should feel about that, knowing that even if he can go live no one would be watching. It’s a different feeling from when he first starts streaming, even when it’s both about the fact that he would just be talking to nobody. 

This feels more empty, he supposes. Like screaming in a void. 

He still stresses over not streaming, despite knowing all that. Though that too is wearing down as time passes. 

He has a hard time going to sleep that night, though Daniel blames it on his already messed up schedule and the fact that he slept through the afternoon today.

* * *

He vaguely remembers what happened the first day of the apocalypse, when all the news station and radio reports on the virus that is affecting millions, nearing reaching one billion worldwide. Or he thinks that’s the number on the first day.

Daniel sleeps in late that day, the only thing he needs to do is do the highlight edit of the stream last night. He wakes up clueless, and only about an hour into consciousness does he actually learns of the situation. 

His phone is bombarded with messages, twitter’s going crazy and well, everything’s going crazy to be fair. He debates going to town to check on the actual situation but then decides against it. He’s not the fittest of guy, and everyone there must be fighting for what’s left of the supply.

The only thing he does that morning is locking and barricading the door with some chairs before going back to bed, convinced that this is a bad dream. And then wake up an hour later to the same reality. 

Daniel curses, painstakingly moving the furniture away from his door so he can actually use the thing. He hesitates, before grabbing the broom and putting on a thicker jacket and ventures out to the outside world.

The street is strangely empty, he’s expecting people running and cars being set on fire and the such from movies. Daniel keeps walking, and he eventually sees a few more people with backpacks and suitcases trailing behind them. 

When he asks, they say they’re evacuating. Something about a military base further South, he tunes the rest of it out. Seriously, running to a military base where the rest of Ireland is also going? That’s suicidal, and Daniel just gives them a “good luck” before continuing on.

Next time he sees movement, it’s not a living human being. He definitely wants to vomit now, despite having not eaten anything today yet. It’s partly from the sight and the smells that follow. And then the flies, and he’s sure there’s something crawling in that open carcass.

He, out of instinct when it approaches, swing the cane of the broom.

There’s a crack following, but the thing keeps on moving so he does it again. And again, and again. There is something flowing out from where the cane hits, spilling on the road and some get on his clothing. 

He stabs the broom through the eye socket, the end of the wooden cane protruding out from the back of its head. It falls, finally, as he pulls the broom back and Daniel breaths out. It does not breath in, though he’s sure it wasn’t even doing that in the first place.

His hand’s shaking, and he drops the broom on the ground. 

That’s one too many hits for the thing to die. That...that won’t do at all. He looks at the unmoving thing again, tempted to give it a few more hit to make sure it stays dead this time. He doesn’t, and hell, Daniel’s not sure if he can right now.

He can’t get a good grip on the broom, struggling to pick it up much less hit something again. He walks away instead.

At some point, he manages to drag his ass to the usual store and shops that’s, to no one’s surprise, empty. No workers insight and most of the shit on the shelves have been cleared out. He shrugs, going to the backroom, experience of working here back before YouTube guide him.

He spends the rest of his first-day gathering resources, dumping as much as he can carry into a backpack he found and grabbed a baseball bat. It’s a classic weapon in games, all that’s missing are some nails and the weird bandage thing with stained blood. 

He swings at a zombie on the way back, the bat clearly better than the damn broom. His hand isn’t shaking as much as it did before.

He locks the door at night and goes to sleep. His phone lays forgotten on the side table, texts unanswered. Though there aren’t any new message, plus it’s not like he can send anything back anymore.


	2. George saves the day

68 days. A little over two months.

Daniel sighs, capping the red marker close and take a look at the calendar. It’s well into December already, the cold getting worse and more rain is coming. He rarely goes outside now, killing zombies has definitely lost the last of its spark.

Plus, he doesn’t spot any zombies anyway. Maybe he has killed them off already, maybe they just move away, now knowing there isn’t any food left to hunt. Daniel doesn’t know, nor does he care.

(Well, he cares just a bit. What if they move to innocent people who can’t defend themselves? He should have killed more, done...something more. Anything really.)

George purrs around his legs, the only thing he has contact with these days. He reaches down and scratches his ears, George purring louder in contentment. Daniel let a rare smile graces his face.

At least he’s not alone.

“You’re not going out today?” He asks, picking George up and into his arms. His cat goes along willingly, doing the cat equivalent of a shrug. Or Daniel thinks that’s what George just did, at least.

He continues to pet George, enjoying the moment. The room is quiet, safe for George’s rumbling that sends vibration up his chest, his claw digging into the pillow as he stretches. They’re still in his little nest of blankets on the couch, he rarely moving away from the place except to get something to eat.

His stomach grumbles at the thought of food, and Daniel groans. He should get something to eat, but he can’t find it in himself to get up and move to the kitchen. When’s the last time he ate something anyway?

Maybe he should get up. He has survived this long, it would be dumb to die by starvation or malnutrition or whatever. “You hungry yet?”

George’s ears flick up, but he otherwise doesn’t show any other emotion. “Well, I am. So let me get up.”

That at least got him to move, and Daniel watches as his cat jumps down on the table, giving him a look before turning his full attention to grooming himself. He should shower too, now that Daniel thinks about it. His hair definitely has seen better days. A quick look at the TV reflection tells him as much.

And by God, he looks like shit.

He doesn’t know he can be that pale, but right now he is, so much so that it looks unhealthy. Daniel winces. Ok, maybe staying cooped up in the house is not so good, he really needs to go out more. And a shower is obviously needed with how his hair's looking.

After food though, one thing at a time. His stomach rumbles in agreement, and he drags his sorry ass into the kitchen, taking a random can from the cabinet. More soup, of course, what was he expecting? It’s getting repetitive at this point, every tastes blending together into a bland mix, and Daniel chugs it down.

That’s fast, painless and easy. Why did he put it off until his body is physically complaining?

“Mrrrph,” George unhelpfully answers him, his cat perching on top of the table. When does he even get here? 

“Yeah, I know,” He says back, throwing the can into the bin. He needs to restock soon, maybe later. Get it done with as fast as possible so he can get back into living like an actual hermit. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Mrrreow.”

“Right...” He shrugs, scratching George’s ear and watching as his cat purrs louder, inching his head closer to his hand. “You don’t care much for anything, do you?”

George’s tail flicker, hitting his hand lightly and Daniel chuckles

“God, I wish that was me. Just, zero care in the world, wandering about.” He pauses, and George does his cat grumbles when his hand stop moving. “Where do you even go to anyway? Not much around here, as far as I know.” 

At that George turns over to look at him, blinking a few more times. His whiskers twitched before he turns away and curls into himself. “What was that supposed to mean?”

A meow, and that’s the end of that. he wonders if his cat knows more than he shows, but then Daniel brushes off the idea.

Nah, that’s crazy. He definitely has been alone for too long if this is what his mind is making up.

* * *

A shower and a nap later, he’s zipping on his jacket at the front door. It has gotten a bit warmer today that he doesn't need to wear it, but the jacket’s also for protection. Can’t fucking bite him if the teeth can’t even reach his skin in the first place.

He pushes the chair asides and opens the door, stepping outside and breathing in the fresh air. His bat is in hand, and the backpack with a few essentials in case something really goes wrong is nicely secured on his back, and he’s good to go. 

He’s about to close the door when the white and grey blur shots past the gap, and then George is staring up at him, butting his head against Daniel’s leg. “You coming too, George?”

He gets another meow, and really, what was he expecting? “Be careful then. Though you’ve been in and out every day anyway, so I think you already know what to do, huh?”

He bends down and pets George, smiling as his cat arches into the touch. Something never changes, and George’s need for cuddling is a nice constant in his life. The moment ends faster than Daniel would have liked, and George’s walking off in the distance.

He watches after George as his cat runs, and then suddenly stops and turns over to look at him expectedly. Or he thinks that was an expectedly look.

He meows, and meows again and Daniel stares back. Is George telling him to follow?

Oh, what the hell. It’s still early in the day, and beside restocking he got nothing else to do anyway. He shifts his backpack again before takes off running after George, his cat giving a happy meow before sprint off in front of him

And by God is George fast, even when he pauses and waits for Daniel to catches up. Like, sure, George’s a cat and all that and he’s a thin lanky dude who lucks out because zombies really aren’t that big of a problem to deal with but George really is quick. Not to mention the actual way itself, including but not limited to climbing through fences and inches his way through small alleys.

“Jesus Christ, where are you taking me?” He asks, dusting off the dirt and grasses that have stuck on his jacket. “Following you is a bad idea, fuck. I bet you don’t even know where you’re going either!”

George just meows at his rant, and it can’t be his imagination but George looks like the epitome of smugness that it’s almost annoying if he isn’t so cute. Daniel sighs. 

“You better be hoping you know the way back, or else.” He says, and chuckles. Of course, George knows, how silly of him to assume otherwise. His cat is always on time for dinner, after all. The little bastard. “So, what do you want me to do here?”

George lays down on the ground. He’s not sleeping or planning to do so anytime soon, not when his eyes are still wide open like that, and he guesses George is telling him to wait. 

Ok, he really has to stop reading into every detail. George is just doing his own George thing, his cat has no motive behind leading him into this weird spot. So Daniel shrugs and then sits down next to George too.

It’s nice here really, the air not so cold and a small bit of sunlight has somehow managed to found its way into where they’re sitting, George’s conveniently curling up right where the light hits. He absently pets George, keeping his hand busy as he relaxes, somehow feeling better on the concrete ground than in his own pile of blankets.

Maybe some air’s good for his head after all. He takes a deep breath in and out, white mist following his breath.

“You’ve been holding out on me, coming here all by yourself,” He comments, scratching behind George’s ears. His cat continues his rumbling, the vibration travelling up his hand and Daniel hums.

He fully blames the loudness that is George’s rumbling, not the fact that he’s relaxed enough to not notice a moving presence coming for him. But in his defence, zombies are loud. They groan and moan and slobber all over the place, like rabid dogs and you can usually hear them before you can spot them in the far distance.

“RT?” He hears, and that’s enough to kick in the fight or flight response that ends up with him standing up, his bat in hand. “Wait, holy fecking Christ, calm down. You don’t see a friend for two months and this is how you great me?”

He lowers the weapon at the weirdly articulated sentence that a zombie could never say, and oh.

Oh.

He blinks, taking a look at the living, breathing, normal human in front of him, taking in the pale skin and tall figure and a similar bat in his hand, only this one has nailed all over. 

And then Daniel sees the other’s face, and oh fuck. “Kevin?!”

Kevin, the actual fucking Kevin O’Reilly, his very much alive friend grins at him. “Dan! How’s it going?”

“You’re- ok, wait a fucking minute. What the fuck?” Is all he utters out, and a familiar chuckle follow after this response. God, it has been a while since he hears a voice other than his own, oh god. “You’re alive.”

Kevin nods, walking closer to him and Daniel instinctively takes a step back before he reminds himself that this is no zombie. And when that registered, he drops his bat and pulls Kevin in a hug instead, clenching tight. 

“Oh woah, ok.” He hears Kevin little exclamation up close before he feels an awkward pat on his back that is so Kevin that Daniel chuckles, the sound muffled by Kevin’s jacket. “There there, it’s ok.”

No, no it’s not. It has been 2 months, but it feels so much longer than that since he has any actual human interaction, much less contact. So Daniel stays there, pulling Kevin closer and his friend goes along, hugging him back. He can hear Kevin’s heartbeat, fast and rushed and actually working, and fuck.

Just, fuck.

“You doing ok?” Kevin asks at some point, and Daniel shrugs. 

“Not so great,” He answers, and Kevin rubs comforting circle on his back, and oh no, Daniel’s not about to cry now. His shoulder shakes anyway. “I- Yeah, definitely not so great.”

“Same here, actually,” Kevin says, “I’ve started talking to George, and that says enough about my mental state.”

It’s a weak joke, but Daniel laughs anyway. Who cares if his voice is a bit wet, they’re in a zombie apocalypse. He’s allowed to have a breakdown with Kevin holding him and George somehow worming his way into the contact, purring lightly. “Has he been going to you this whole time?”

“Maybe. I thought he was just a stray at first, but now... Weird coincident, right?” 

“Best coincident ever, more like,” Daniel shots back, reluctantly ending the hugs to actually wipes his eyes. His vision becomes less blurry for a moment, and Daniel sighs. “God, sorry- That definitely ruined your jacket-”

“You’re saying that as if I give a feck about the thing right now, Dan.” Kevin easily says, waving it off. “It’s good to let those out man, believe me.”

“Yeah, it’s just. It has been a while…” 

He really doesn’t need to finish the rest of that sentence, just bending down and scratching behind George’s ear again. He hears the rustle of clothing as Kevin sits down next to him, and George immediately dashes over to Kevin’s lap instead, demanding to be pet this instant.

Kevin complies of course, and the purring starts back up again.

They fall into a comfortable silence, one that he hasn’t experienced for quite a while.

* * *

He has been watching Kevin since the How to Annoy days on Machinima, and Kevin is definitely one of his favourite content creators ever, period. Daniel’s not even going to lie to himself, he idolises the guy quite a bit. And he might have fangirled a lot too when Kevin first replied to one of his tweets, and that was where it all started.

The rest, as they say, is history. He thinks he was the one to slide in the DM first, and Daniel considers that one of his top decision in that year, at least in the top 20. 

Their friendship started as casual Youtubers whose fans like to tag into posts together, and then it grew into something Daniel genuinely enjoys and cherishes. It’s nice, talking to Kevin when the other is not antagonising him on Don’t Starve, but to be fair, being friends with Kevin is signing up to 24/7 annoyance in general.

It’s the best kind of annoyance though, one that makes him laugh after a bad day. The teasing and banter, talking about everything and nothing really hold a place in Daniel’s heart.

When the apocalypse started, he had to admit his mind did flicker to Kevin for a moment (and all of his other internets friends too, of course, but Kevin’s in Ireland with him at the moment so priority?) Anyway, the thought didn’t last that long when he realises the military camp thing is near Kevin, so he didn’t worry too much.

He hasn’t been thinking about Kevin throughout the next two months either, or anyone else really. His mind’s blank, just going with the flow and trying his best to survive. He figures most of his close friends and family have already done the responsible thing and move to the nearest place with help available unlike him.

He should have known Kevin, out of all people, would do the exact opposite of that.

When Daniel comes back to reality again, time’s blurry and he realises he has been sitting here for quite a while, just relaxing. They have shifted position during that, and now he’s leaning on Kevin, though his friend doesn’t seem to mind. He’s on his phone, actually, playing some colourful offline game that makes him pauses for a moment.

“You still uses phone?” He asks, and Kevin shrugs, the motion moving his head up and down.

“I gotta entertain myself somehow,” Kevin answers, turning the phone off and on again. The digital clock reads 01:44 PM, and did he doze off at some point too? Feel like it, really. “They have tons of these lying around in-store anyway, so why not?”

“Why didn’t I think of that…” Daniel says, mostly to himself, and he can hear Kevin laughing anyway. “Shut it.”

Kevin, in return, laughs harder and pokes him on the cheek. “No wonder you look so done with life when I saw you. God knows how you’ve been living without these bad boys.”

“I don’t know either, to be honest.” He admits, and Kevin exits the app and opens YouTube up instead. 

It feels like forever since he has seen YouTube again, even if it’s the mobile version that’s showing the offline astronauts with the familiar message below informing them about the lack of internet connection. It feels nostalgic, that’s the word.

“Thank god I manage to download some videos before the service cut out,” Kevin says, swiping over to the downloaded tab and Daniel sees a few let’s play videos, some skits that vary in length and even some YouTube films that he thought was a dumb idea when it came out. Now he just scoots closer to get a better look at the small screen.

“You spend the last minutes of available 4G to download videos? Really?” 

“I’m easily bored,” is Kevin’s reply and well, he can’t argue with that. “I already talked to most people before that anyway, so it’s no worry. I’m sure my parents are chilling at the camp with my sister right now.”

Daniel hums, scrolling through the playlist and then paused. “Is that my video?”

It is, one of his city skyline videos and Kevin gives him an embarrassed smile out of all thing. “It doesn’t get boring after the fifth replay, so yeah.”

He honestly doesn’t know what to say in reply, so Daniel settles for saying nothing even when that compliment warms him up more than Daniel thinks simple words can. 

Wait, no, that’s not quite true. He knows it can, he knows this. He’s supposed to know this. The comment section after every video goes up, the chat and the people tuning in during his stream, simple interactions on twitter and discord.

It really has been a while, his brain forgetting the feeling of...whatever this is.

And then Kevin clicks on the video, and Daniel’s surprised again by his own voice of all thing. It’s upbeat, it’s energetic and it promises shenanigans and fun. It isn’t broken, he realises. This Daniel hasn’t gone through two months of killing zombies yet.

Fuck, how he wishes he can turn back time or just go to a different universe or timeline where none of this will ever happen.

Still, he laughs at his own lame jokes with Kevin, and they spend more time going through the downloaded video. It’s nice to binge-watch Youtube again like he usually does, and it’s even better to do it with a living human being, with Kevin who can’t seem to turn off his own commentary.

“Youtuber habit,” Kevin says, “You can’t exactly turn that off when you’ve been doing this on and off for the last 8 years, or something like that.”

He guesses it makes sense.

“It’s getting late,” He says in response, looking up at the sky. His neck sends a sharp jolt when he moves it up, and ok, he really needs to stand up now. God. “We should probably get going, yeah?”

“Yeah, before those things find us first,” Kevin says, standing up and dusting himself off properly. “Your place or mine?”

“Uh, what?”

Kevin gives him a look like he expects Daniel to know whatever he’s talking about right now. “What do you mean what, I’m not leaving you alone. It will be better to stick close together anyway.”

Yeah, ok, that is fair. His brain hasn’t thought that far ahead yet. “Ok, how far away is your place? Cause George here took a while to lead me to here.” He looks down at George, who’s sleeping peacefully and Daniel nudges him up. “Still don’t know how he even finds you, Jesus Christ.”

“It’s a five minutes walk, so not too far,” Kevin answers, bending down and picking George up again. His cat goes without a fight. “And it’s more like I found him when I’m out killing and looting. Your cat’s a brave one, running over to the zombies on the street.”

“More like a dumb one.”

“Well, he is smart enough to lead your ass here, so you gotta give the little guy some credit.” Kevin smiles, and George preens under the attention. For a split second, his cat seems to be giving him a very smug look.

He’s sure that can’t be his imagination this time, not anymore, so Daniel flips him off. Kevin’s laughter echoing after, and Daniel smiles.

“Maybe George’s not too bad then.” He concedes, and Kevin laughs harder before jerking his head to the direction further in the alley. 

“Come on then. It’s technically not my place, but the owner is probably in one of those camps anyway so who cares?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody says thank you, George! And also thank you for the kudos and comments, it means a lot and definitely motivates me to finish this chapter! You are the best and I appreciate you, like, a lot. :D
> 
> This chap is a more emotion-heavy one I'd say, and by God am I bad at emotion so I hope I did a decent job at this. Really, while I'd be happy to find another survivor, it probably won't hit me as hard as it did Daniel, so yeah. But you know what they said: Practice makes perfect and I have a feeling I will have a lot of practice with this fic in particular, lol. 
> 
> See you next Saturday friends!


	3. Domestic days in the zombie apocalypse

Kevin’s place is, how should he say, more lived-in than his own house. That’s Daniel’s first impression of the place when he set foot in the stolen house, seeing one of the windows broken. That’s one question answered then. Kevin doesn’t seem like a lockpicking type, hell, he doubts that Kevin even knows how to pick a lock. 

Still, it is definitely more lived-in. Daniel’s place is filled with dust except for the bathroom, living room and some part of the kitchen, the rest freezes in a static state. He barely goes into his bedroom, not without having to see his stream setup and the many games on the shelves. 

In the end, he just moves the pillows and blankets downstairs, and that was how his nest was born.

Kevin’s house, however, is a mess and a half. Clothes are haphazardly thrown into a pile, books littered the table and it’s just the brand of chaos he expected from Kevin. Hell, there are Christmas lights and tinsel hanging around, talking about festive spirit. He even sees a little tree in the corner, some opened lego sets under the tree staring at him.

Daniel berated himself. He definitely should have picked some of those up. It would have really helped, doing something in his downtime and building something grand. 

“Make yourself comfortable,” Kevin says, sitting down on one of the chairs. he follows, throwing the backpack on the floor and sinks into the soft sofa next to Kevin, letting out a groan. God, this feels so much better than the concrete ground. “Mi casa Su casa or something, I don’t know.”

“Thanks, man,” He says, and Kevin waves it off. 

“Please, I should be thanking you. Finally, some other fecking people. You can only go so long alone before you lost a few screws.”

“You’re saying that as if you weren’t crazy before this.”

“You got me there.”

He chuckles, picking up one of the lego boxes on the floor. “Hogwart, really? Definitely crazy then.”

“The hagrid lego draws me in man, I can’t just not get it. If you don’t like that one we can always go out for more.” 

“No, it’s just so you to get a harry potter set. But more legos never hurts.”

“If it’s not raining tomorrow, then we can hit the store. I’m sure the zombies hate water, but so do I.”

“Do they?”

“I threw a bunch of water balloons at them once, run off like a cat,” Kevin answers, and George meows. ”Yes, just like you huh? Who’s my scared cat?” 

“Huh, I’ve never thought about that. I usually just kill them and voila, you know?”

“Well yeah, but they’re a slow bunch, I have to find a way to have fun somehow, and burning the feckers is very fun.”

“Even when they’re walking toward you all flaming and looking like an incarnation of hell itself?” He asks, the mental image surprisingly clear in his mind. Well, he has seen and killed enough zombies to know their appearance like the back of his hand, that’s probably why.

“Whatever do you mean? That’s the best part.”

He should have expected that answer, in hindsight. It’s Kevin they’re talking about. “Kevin no.” He says anyway, just like how he reacted when Kevin burned the damn forest down in Don’t Starve. This time it’s just a bit more severe.

“Kevin yes! They die fast after that, so not to worry. The smell’s horrible though, video games don’t show you that. God.” Kevin makes a face, and Daniel chuckles. 

“Serve you right then, you murderous fuck.”

“As if you don’t do that too,” Kevin says, poking out his tongue and Daniel returns the gesture. “I’ve seen your bat, that one has seen some shit.”

“Well, I don’t burn them to death Kevin!”

“You got me there.” Kevin laughs, and Daniel does too. God, it feels so much better sharing a laugh in an actual comfortable place and not in the dirty alleyway. “Don’t forget the drowning...and also the brutal chopping.”

“You did what now?!”

* * *

Kevin spends the rest of the evening retelling his last two months nearing three of surviving and killing, and Daniel makes a note to not visit the swimming pool or the house next door fridge for his own sanity. He does the same, sharing stories though they are much shorter than Kevin’s.

Still, Kevin listens to it, all the same, even taking note on which weapon is better to swing at a zombie. It’s not just zombie killing tips, there are also banters and teasing and Daniel never knows how much has he missed this. The easy conversation soothes him, and Daniel let himself relaxed.

Time flies, and before even knows it, it’s actually getting really late. Daniel yawns, standing up and stretches his arm. He hears the joints pop like he’s some fifty years old something dude, and he winces. Ok, too much sitting down for him.

“Oh right, sleep. That’s a thing,” Kevin chuckles, standing up and beckoning him to follow. “Come on then, I’ll give you something to change into and show you the spare bedroom. Well, I’m pretty sure there’s a spare bedroom here.”

Daniel sighs and drags his ass after Kevin until they’re in a smaller room, looking over the bed. It’s quite a big one really, probably too big for him but hey, when is that a bad thing? He faceplants on the soft blanket, letting out a satisfied groan.

God, he misses sleeping in a bed now that he’s in one.

He feels some clothing being thrown on top of him, and Daniel looks up to see a simple set of striped pyjamas that’s also too big for him. Kevin smiles apologetically from the doorway, shrugging. “The clothing there are too small for you, so you will have to settle for my stuff.”

“No worry,” Daniel says, holding the shirt up. He could swim in these, so definitely from Kevin’s then. “Thanks, man.”

“I’ll leave you to it. Goodnight.”

“Night. I’ll see you later,” He says back, and Kevin waves before the door shut close, leaving him alone. Daniel shivers. 

He has been alone for over two months, he can do alone one night. Kevin’s on the room beside him anyway, and George will find his way on the bed soon enough.

He can do this.

Still, he just sits there for a moment, taking it all in and getting used to both the loneliness and the company. What a wild day… He sluggishly forces himself up to actually brushes his teeth and changes into the new clothes. 

And then he’s asleep, burying himself deeper in the blanket. He’s pretty sure George worms his way onto the bed at some point too, but he’s tired. Too tired to care much really. He will groan at the fur tomorrow morning, but for now, he closes his eyes. 

Daniel has never fallen asleep that fasts in the past two months.

* * *

It’s a world where no zombie apocalypse ever comes, and it feels so weird for RT. This is what he has been wanting, a normal life yet his fingers still twitch whenever he sees movement from the corner of his eyes, and the urge to have a weapon beside him is unbearable. 

He’s streaming, yet he can’t focus on the game or the chat. It’s like he’s on autopilot, reading off bits donation and laughing when he should, and groan in expiration when he needed to but all that’s looping in his head is the need to hold onto his bat, or something with enough blunt force to kill the zombie.

To kill the zombie that doesn’t exist, not in here.

RT takes a deep breath and smiles. There’s nothing to worry about here, beside the backlog of donations and the spamming in the chat. He focuses back on the game, chuckling and answering questions and having a grand time altogether.

He’s happy in this world.

* * *

Daniel blinks back to reality when he feels an uncomfortable weight across on his face. He groans, letting George knows that he is up and his cat meows back but doesn’t move away. God damn it. He picks George up and settles the cat beside him instead, now actually seeing the room without fur obstructing his vision.

The white ceiling stares back at him, not looking like what Daniel remembers it to be. Oh wait, he’s not at home anymore, he’s with Kevin’s now. That means the day before’s not imaginary, the dream the only fake thing here.

He has not dreamed about that once, or well, dream dream. He daydreams about it of course, but that feels more real before he got kicked back into the living world. Heh, living world.

Still, it’s the first time that happened, and Daniel has a feeling it will bug him all day and then more. Daniel groans again, sitting up and brushing the hair away from his eyes. He’s not sure what time is it, how long has he slept but for once he doesn’t feel the exhaustion deep in his bones when he wakes up, so he’ll count that as a win.

“Morning George,” He murmurs, petting George and his cat purrs. “Yeah yeah, lucky bastard. How many more survivors are you hiding from me huh?”

George licks his fingers, and Daniel chuckles. 

He actually gets out of the bed at some point, going through the daily routine before shuffling down to the kitchen. Kevin’s not awake yet, he guesses, not seeing anyone downstairs. Still, his stomach grumbles, and he goes through the cabinets, searching for something edible.

Kevin, besides having a bunch of canned food of all kind, also has a lot of snacks. Oh god, that definitely could have helped with the repetitive flavour every day, why is he so dumb- Kevin, also to his amusement, doesn’t have any soup cans laying around. Even during an apocalypse, his friend’s a picky eater. 

He chuckles, opening a random can and grabbing a spoon before making himself comfortable in the living room. A few minutes and an empty can later, he hears footsteps and he turns back to see Kevin at the door, his hair in an even worse state than Daniel’s. 

“Morning,” He smiles at Kevin, and his friend gives him a half-hearted waves and a yawn back. 

“Hey,” Kevin replies, his voice still sleepy before he disappears into the kitchen only to reappear seconds later with a bag of potato crips. 

“That’s all you having?”

Kevin hums in agreement, slumping down next to him and only put up half a fight when he reaches over for the snack.

All in all, it’s a ridiculously domestic morning for someone stuck in a zombie apocalypse.

Daniel could get used to this.

* * *

He watches as Kevin slashes at a zombie with a machete of all thing, side-stepping away from the blood that spills on the ground. Kevin has managed to drag him out of the house, and well, using Lego to convince him to go out is a low blow. It’s effective, but it’s a low blow.

“You sure do kill a lot,” He comments, kicking the severed head out of his way. Kevin, in replies, just sends him a maniac grin, teeth and all. Jesus Christ. “Fuck zombies, should I be more worried about you?”

“I’m not into cannibalism, so nah.”

He chuckles, hurrying his steps to catch up with Kevin. “So you’re the reason I have not been seeing any zombies around, huh?”

“Probably,” Kevin says, looking down at the limp body. “For real though, they are clearing out. Not many people around to infect, I guess.”

“Yeah, everyone kinda moved to the bases and whatnot.”

“‘Cept for you,” Kevin says, looking at him with a raised eyebrow. “What’s up with that?”

“Figure it would be overcrowded, that’s like rushing into my death,” Daniel answers, and Kevin nods along. 

“Too many people from what I see, god, everyone’s there. All the fecking accents in one place is a headache man,” Kevin says “I bet their rations are out now too.”

“You figure so?”

“Yeah, so best to get the feck out before the actual disasters start. I can’t compete against angry mod man, have you seen these arms?”

He laughs, poking at Kevin. “Now, that’s just underselling yourself there. You’re better than my scrawny ass at least.”

“Well, either way, that many people together? Something bad is bound to happen. Plus, if I’m there I would have never come across you, so that’s a win there.”

That somehow makes Daniel’s heart do a loop, and he coughs in his arm, swallowing. Yep, he definitely has been away from society for too long if simple praise manages to make him feel that. Ugh, he hates it, how desperate he wants for more.

And so Daniel does what he does best, deflecting and changing the topic at hand. “And uh, your family is there too, right?”

Real fucking smooth, Daniel.

“Far as I know, yeah,” Kevin answers, and this time his voice lacks the cheerful tone that’s always there whenever Kevin speaks. Fuck. “They will be fine, I’m sure.”

He awkwardly hums. “I wish them the best.”

“Don’t think they need it, really. If I manage to go on this far with fecked up shoulders, I’m sure my sis is obliterating hordes of zombies as we’re speaking right now. I’m not sure why I even worried.”

“It’s your family. ’Course you’re worried.”

Kevin shrugs again, letting out a sigh and Daniel curses himself for even starting this conversation. He has never been good at emotions. “It’s weird I guess, what’s at stake here. Like, you’re here right now so I know you’re safe, but...Ugh, you know.”

“Ah.” He nods. He wishes he does know, really, but four months into this and he tries not to dwell on his own family. He can’t really reach them anymore, not with all mobile services cut out from day one and worrying like that will just push him into a despair mess.

That’s probably not good for his mental health, but everything around him is bad for his mental health anyway. “Well, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, dude. God, that’s- I’m not sure where that even came from, god. I’m sorry for dragging the mood down, damn it.”

“It’s fine, really,” He says back, messing up Kevin’s hair. It’s getting longer now, but it’s still the light brown hair that curls a bit at the tip that Daniel knows and loves. Kevin huffs, swatting his hand away. “Well, if it’s anything, I’m sure they’re fine, or as fine as one can be these days.”

“We have been doing just fine, thank you very much.” Kevin jokes, pulling him in a one-arm hug. He’s on his tiptoe and Kevin is leaning down a bit, and it should be as awkward as the talk at hand, but it’s the total opposite. Somehow. “Still, thank you, really.”

“I’ve got your back, man.”

Kevin gives him a look, blue eyes staring into him before he blinks and smiles. “Come on then, let’s actually get something done. I think that’s enough sentiment for me in one day, Jesus feck.”

“Can’t let anyone knows you have a heart now,” Daniel jokes, laughing at Kevin’s “Exactly!” before getting dragged to the nearby store.

* * *

They go to the many places around that Daniel himself doesn’t even know of their existence first, filling the backpack with food (human and cat) and a bunch of battery first, priority and whatnot. Which, fair enough, but he still taps his foot impatiently like a kid anyway, before all but drags Kevin to the nearest toy store.

Kevin smashes the window, creating a nice entrance for them and Daniel hops through the hole, landing in the shop. It’s a bigger place, so many sets of toys still on display weirdly enough. He has thought at least someone has taken the opportunity to raid the place, but apparently not! Which is perfect for him.

“Well, Lego for you and then some boardgame for us. Now that I actually have someone to play against, Monopoly is back on the table.” Kevin says, patting his back before all but sprint through the store, and Daniel chuckles. Ok, both of them are still kids, but who cares? 

“Monopoly, really? Out of all great board games, that’s what you come up with?”

“You’re just scared,” Kevin taunts back, “Pick your game then, and it’s on tonight.”

The afternoon flies by with them filling a little cart with toys upon toys, Lego and board games and plushie because you can never have enough plushies. It’s great, exploring the store and not needing to give a fuck about the price and just go wild. This is every childhood dream ever. 

Kevin throws him another plushie, a big sheep that he catches easily. His eye-hand coordination has gotten marginally better too since this whole thing started if only so he won’t die from tripping over himself while on the run. That, that’s humiliating, no thank you. 

“Think we got enough?” Kevin asks, approaching their cart that is filled to the brim. 

“If we forget anything we can always swing by again.”

“Fair enough! Who’s pushing the thing?” 

They spend the next five minutes over that, before settling it over a game of rock paper scissor. Best out of three, though Daniel swears if it’s best out of five he would have won. Kevin just grins at him before nudging the cart over, and he just knows Kevin’s happy because he’s on killing duty.

They walk home leisurely, Kevin slashing at the zombies dumb enough to approach them, while Daniel just minds his own business, not really worrying. In the short day of seeing Kevin killing things, he trusts his friend enough to watch his back. Kevin is strangely good at this killing thing, the same way he’s good at fucking game mechanics up.

“And that will be your 10th kills today, congrats.” He narrates as Kevin chopped off a zombie’s head, the body crumpling and the head rolling away. “That’s a lot.”

“Now I know why Jim likes killing so much” is all Kevin says back, giving the machete a jerk and what’s left of the many skins and meats of the zombie fall down on the ground. Daniel wisely looks away at that. “It’s very fun, I tell you.”

“That so?”

“Yep, definitely. I’m feeling better already” Kevin grins, killing another one that comes charging at them. “Who knows zombie apocalypse can be this fun?”

“Only you would say killing zombies are fun.”

* * *

They’re playing Lego on the floor, well, he's playing Lego while Kevin is messing a little portable radio that they found in a weird retail store, trying to find something. They technically could use it to see if there are any living people broadcasting their location round, but well.

“They probably aren’t around near here anyway, and I’m not moving miles for some stranger,” Kevin says, scrolling through the frequency until they land on some remote station that still plays music. A lucky find, not that he’s complaining.

Some people just like to spread the joy of music around, even in these days Daniel guesses. It’s nice, knowing someone out there is doing this. And as a bonus, it’s all the old music that gives this whole thing that Fall Out aesthetics he loves.

“Still, it’s a bit sad knowing someone’s just doing this to what? Be heard by someone in this post-apocalyptic world?” 

“If you want to go and help them, we can. I, of course, would rather not but hey, I’m not letting you go alone.”

It’s...weirdly comforting to know Kevin would follow him like that, and Daniel smiles. “Thanks, though I don’t think I will anyway.”

“Better for both of us,” Kevin shrugs, nonchalantly like they’re not talking about another life, another person stranded out there like them. 

* * *

The Fall Out radio station is throwing more variety of songs, some popular top of the charts stuff and some more obscure melody here and there that Daniel doesn’t know of. The changes are nice, despite his absolute love for the old ragtime music. 

There are even a few festive pieces of music too, and he and Kevin sing along to the classic Mariah Carrey. They don’t make that big of a deal with Christmas, and he’s content with that. 

He can hear the radio from his bed, where he’s still laying, buried under the blanket. Kevin’s singing along too, and he’s genuinely a good singer it still amazes Daniel a bit. Sure, the country road cover thing is playing into their little rivalry, but it’s still really fucking good.

He even regularly visited Kevin’s SoundCloud to listen to the covers up there, humming along to the tracks. 

Daniel falls asleep to that voice, the last thing he sees is the rare peaceful night sky from the opened window.

And then he’s streaming another game, something more Christmassy. The chat’s not as active, but it’s fair. People should be enjoying their time with their family right now, and if they can’t at least they can chill with him.

He wonders where’s his family in this dream because it’s obviously a dream at this point. There are no zombies, and he has resigned himself to a forever lasting apocalypse a month in. 

Maybe the fact that he doesn’t think about them much out there carried here too.

He reads out the chat, smiling at the little merry Christmas note popping up for both him and the viewers. It’s nice, to be able to talk to his fans again even when he technically doesn’t know any of them.

“And it’s getting late, I think we’re gonna end the stream there,” RT says to the camera, directing a smile at the invisible audience. They can’t see it, with his webcam off, but it’s the thought that count right? 

“It was really fun, and I wish you all a Merry Christmas.”

He says a few more words before ending the stream, leaning back on his chair and let out a pleased sigh.  It’s getting late, and a sudden cutting cold gust of wind reminds him of his opened window.

He moves closer to the thing, wondering why it’s even open in the first place. The moonlight greets him, and he takes a look down on the street.

The street light flickers, and there’s no one walking down the road. RT blinks, and then there are those flesh-eating zombies fuckers moving in hordes, none knows that he is watching. He shivers, not because of the cold. He blinks again, and the barren street greets him like there's nothing wrong, but he knows otherwise.

The zombies he and Kevin encounters don’t move in that kind of formation. Doesn’t sway and walks in lines like that. 

He doesn’t realise he is gripping the curtain with full force, his knuckles white until he looks down at them. RT stops then, before turning them palm up to him. They aren’t as scarred, though that’s not really the right word. Weathered, more like. He doesn’t have to have a weapon by side 24/7 in this reality, just tapping the keyboard and controller.

The need to find something offensive to hold passes quickly, like it’s never there in the first place. 

He closes the curtain and moves away from the window to his computer instead, the screen’s casting a calming blue light. RT switches tab over to YouTube, scrolling through the videos.

Kevin’s daily upload is there, and god the rate his friend uploads at are insane. He clicks on it, and Kevin’s voice fills the room. It relaxes him, his shoulder less tense and his limbs going, well, limb in his seat. He laughs at the jokes, and it’s not an eventful dream but it’s a nice one.

* * *

Daniel blinks, waking up to Kevin’s laughter, sounding much more real and closer. He turns over to see Kevin at the edge of his bed, giggling before he feels something soft hitting his head. A pillow, his sleep-muddled brain realises, and he grumbles.

“What do you want?” 

Kevin smiles brightly, throwing the pillow to the corner of the room before sitting himself down, a hand throw over Daniel’s shoulder. “I bring good news!”

“What kind of news? How do you even get news?” He sits up, squinting at Kevin. His friend grins, and before Daniel even registers what is happening he is being pulled up and then out of the room, down the stairs and to the garden. “Dude! Slow down!”

“No, you’re going to love this!” Kevin says, and they come to a stop at...a skeleton? A skeleton, full bones, with some liquidy black on the white bones and a few pieces of flesh. 

He flickers his eyes from Kevin’s excited smile back to the lifeless skeleton. “Right, I give up. What am I looking at?”

“Dude, the body decayed! God, I can’t believe we forget about that.” Kevin explains, moving closer and kicking at the skull. “I think it has been like, almost two months since I killed this fecker here, and now look at them!”

It takes a second for the information to make sense, but when it does Daniel is speechless. Time pauses around him, and he doesn’t know what to think, much less to say. 

Decay, that’s a thing. A thing that doesn’t take that long, oh god. The option has never really turned up in his mind, hell, it isn’t even an option to consider in the first place. Games and books and movies don’t touch on this- he never touches on it. Maybe it’s because the zombies are technically alive, but not really that his brain throws that word out of the window right away.

But fuck. Decomposition, decay, fucking rotting. 

“Oh…” He utters, and Daniel doesn’t know when is he sitting down on the grass but he is and Kevin’s right next to him, pulling him closer. “That...We don’t- It’s not forever.”

“Feck no, I think we will be out of this dumb circumstances soon. If this one is already like this, who knows?” Kevin says, and the glee in his voice is infectious. “We have...an actual future after this. I would say give it until the end of the year before this clear off.”

A future, without zombie. His hands shake beside him, and Daniel grips on the grass, tugging before stopping when Kevin’s hand placed on his own. “Hey, you ok?”

“No.” He answers honestly, leaning onto Kevin entirely. “I- Killing zombies, and destroying stores and raiding… It has not even been four months, and I just. I don’t think I can just go back to streaming after this.”

Kevin makes an understanding noise, pulling Daniel up. He goes along, taking another look at the skeleton. 

“Well, it’s better than staying in this post-apocalyptic scene huh?” Kevin says and then pauses. “...I reckon other people will be knowing this already, but still. You don’t really take any pleasure in killing those things, it will just be adjusting to a society with no more imminent danger.”

“Yeah.” Daniel shrugs, taking a hold of his bat. It’s his favourite despite not being the best in terms of damage, and when has he grabs it? “I mean, I can’t be far from the bat without spiralling. It’s...something.”

“I’m sure other survivors will be like that too. Therapy for both of us I think.” 

“No shit Kev.” 

Kevin doesn’t leave his side, instead, he’s just standing closer. Daniel sighs, closing the distance and leaning entirely on Kevin, feeling a hand wrapped around him. “It is a life-changing experience, no one will be expecting you to be the same, Dan.”

“True that. How is it for you right now?”

Kevin smiles, just a small quirk of his mouth. “I’m glad, mostly. I don’t think I got it as bad as you, the only thing I’ll be missing is breaking into stores and free shit. But getting back wifi and connection? I’ll take a few years of therapy for that.”

“That simple, huh?”

“Not really, but it can be. I can finally check on my sister and my parents. And my friends too, Henry and Max and what not you know?” Kevin says, and Daniel wishes he does know. But he really doesn’t, that hadn’t changed since their last conversation over this topic.

Four months changes a lot more and less than he expected. 

“Cheer up, I’ll be with you along the way dude.” Kevin bumps his shoulder lightly, and Daniel looks up. 

“Really now?” He asks, part joking part surprise. Kevin...has people to go back to, and before this, they were just internet friends. Not even that close of one too. And then they found each other, Daniel reflects, and lived together for almost two months. 

Not quite just internet friends now, not quite normal friends even. 

“Of course!” Kevin ruffles his hair. “I’m not just going to drop everything and leave you here all alone dude, that’s just a fecked up move. Though we might actually need to move back to your place at some point. I pity the poor feckers that actually owned this house.”

He chuckles at the lame joke that, somehow, manages to cheer him up out of all things. That and Kevin’s support, he corrects himself. “Thanks.” He ends lamely, and Kevin shrugs.

“Don’t mention it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First endnotes of the year/decade and it's a small rant! I know it is fictional and all that, but how so little people use the fact that zombies decay as one of the mean to end the apocalypse is a very small pet peeve of mine. I think I stretch the time out a bit, at least for this fic cause it has been 4 months and really, all the other sciency stuff affect the decaying rate so it's faster than usual (just by exposing the bodies to air increase the rate by 8 times I think. Casper's law of decomposition if you're curious and want to look that up) so it's not all accurate but yes. Decaying, that's a thing. 
> 
> Small rant over, let's switch to the usual thank you because holy fuck thanks you for all the kudos and comments! You guys are the best, really, I can never thank you enough. Period. But I'm going to try anyway, with all these little endnotes. Cheers friend, <3! Here to a great 2020, with my new year resolution being trying to fill the damn tag, starting with finishing this fic and another os coming up soon.


	4. Post-post-apocalypse

It’s New Year's Eve when the official new hits them, right before midnight and 5 months into the zombie apocalypse. He and Daniel’s holding a cup of champagne each, the radio playing festive songs.

And then the signal’s cut, the song suddenly stops. Kevin blinks, in confusion and wanders over to the radio. Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see Daniel freezes up, before his friend downs the rest of the champagne.

He messes with the switches, turning the thing but every other station just comes up with static. And as sudden as the music ends, a siren noise comes up, making him jump.

“We interrupt our programming. This is a national emergency. The following message is transmitted at the request of the government.” 

He trades a look with Daniel, shocked eyes meeting his and Kevin thinks he might be looking like that too. He stops turning the knobs and switching station when it’s evidence that everything is stopped for this, and feck.

“This is not a test. The disease has been contained, and services are going back up, as do help centres in major cities. Due to uncertain facts of the disease, all residents should seek out the centre as soon as possible. Please stay clear from the infected.”

The message loops around again, the distorted voice filling the sudden silence and he reaches over and lowers the volume, his fingers shaking and slipping.

“...Well then.” He lamely says. “That’s- can’t be a prank, right? That’s official- actual official announcement.”

“It’s broadcast in all the signals, this is...actually real,” Daniel answered, his voice shaking too. Is it with joy, excitement, bewilderment or anxiety? It’s hard to tell. All of the above?

“Feck.”

“Yeah, fuck’s right. God…” 

He collapses on the nearest chair, the room spinning around him. It’s unreal, but it is not and Kevin laughs. And laughs harder, or else he will start crying and fecking hell, holy shit. “We survived, we made it. Holy feck-“

“Yeah, we did, didn’t we,” Daniel says, and the seats beside him move and then Daniel’s next to him too. “I-“

Daniel’s speechless, the same way he is right now. His laughter subdued to a more profound silence that Kevin doesn’t dare break, afraid that this is all a dream.  He passes Kevin the bottle at some point, and liquor sounds like a good option right now though he can go for something harder. He looks over at Daniel after a few passes to and fro of the wine, almost all of it is gone already.

Daniel looks shocked, and Kevin’s sure that’s also how he himself is looking right now. Daniel’s also staring at something, but Kevin doubts he’s seeing anything. 

“Hey, How are you feeling?” He bumps Daniel’s shoulder lightly, before leaning on his friend. His head moves with Daniel’s shrug, and he hums. “Same. I’m not quite sure what to do now.”

“Beats me, dude,” Daniel answers. “I- we, well. We know it will end, but it actually- you know?”

“Yeah, I do,” he says, and Daniel nods along with his word. “It’s surreal, isn’t it?”

“Like a dream. Pinch me?”

He does, and Daniel yelps. “What? You asked for it.”

Daniel chuckles, punching his arm before relaxing back, using him as a pillow of a sort. “Not literally, you little shit.” 

“Well, now you know you’re not dreaming at least,” Kevin says, wrapping his arms around Daniel. “You reckon they got the internet and such backup?”

“We should check.” Daniel pulls out his phone and Kevin has never been so glad to see the bar at the top there. “Oh thank god!”

Daniel heads over to Twitter, logging in and it actually works, before showing the feed to him. To no surprise, there are a bunch of “Hey I’m still alive.” post, and Kevin’s glad to see some people he knows active.

He takes out his own phone and snaps a picture of both of them, before logging back on too. He sends a few DMs checking to his friends, some replies immediately while others don’t. Kevin hopes they’re still here. 

The picture got posted, plus a few more of him killing zombies with Daniel in the background and some of just Daniel bashing the things in. Pretty on brand, all things considered. Of course, he will be out here killing these instead of hiding away like normal people.

His tweet gots a bunch of likes, replies and retweets in record time, and Kevin exits Twitter in favour of some “official” news. The New York time, Vice, etc. have already had articles up, and embedded in those digitals pages are clips from BBC and the like. At least the reporters look as messed up as he and Daniel are when they’re out on a killing spree, suit rumbled like it has been hastened put on.

He plays the few clips aloud for both him and Daniel, nodding along to the report.

It’s some kind of low lay virus that has infected the world by storm before every scientists and doctor even know of the thing. Decomposition is indeed their saviour, though it’s warned that there might still be some of these walking dead outsides. No shit, Kevin thinks.

Most of the things come later are a mere repetition or some dumb statistic that he couldn’t care less about, and he stops reading those articles. Tomorrow there might be a better report when everyone has actually gotten their bearing, but that’s tomorrow.

Well today, it is the first day of the year. 

“Hey, Kev?” Daniel says and he looks down. “We should probably get back to my place before the actual owner comes back. Well, if they aren’t dead yet.”

“In the night? No way dude. Even if I can’t get any more sleep, I’m not going out there this late.” He answers, and Daniel shrugs in agreement. “To be fair though, we should try to get some sleep.”

He feels Daniel nods, though he makes no move to get up. Kevin doesn’t either, too comfortable or perhaps too numb. Could be both, as confusing and dumb as that is. 

He falls asleep with Daniel on the couch, the radio had turned back to the old-timey music it was playing before the PSA cut off.

* * *

He’s moving on autopilot, cleaning the house up and return it to tip-top condition just so his hands are busy and he’s doing something he knows. The repetitive motion soothes him somewhat, just like how swinging the blade helps- and ok, pause. That’s not a thing anymore, he has to stop thinking about it. 

Kevin takes a deep breath, in and out. 

It’s early enough in the morning that Daniel’s still asleep on the couch, looking at peace for once since the announcement last night. Or well, this early morning, if he wants to be technical about it. He has shot off a bunch of messages to his parents and sister already, and the reply is almost instant. They must have been up and waiting for new years too, or the loud siren that prefaces the PSA woke them up.

Either way, his family is safe and sound. His friends, most of them, are in ok condition, and there are promises of a meet up as soon as possible, though when and where is still vague. 

Everyone is still out of reach at the moment, except for Daniel. He throws a glance at Daniel again, taking note of the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. He’s still alive, Kevin says to himself for what must be the hundredth time today and the thousandth time since they lived together. He’s still alive, he looks honest to god better since the alleyway meetup, and he’s not going to deal with the news well.

And Kevin knows this because deep down, he himself is not dealing with this any better. Almost half a year of surviving leaves it marks, even when there are no zombies around to bite him, not anymore.

No zombies. No undead, no corpses walking around.

Feck, they aren’t even that dangerous. Or well, they weren’t. He can take one out without breaking a sweat, hell, hunting zombies is a hobby for him in the downtime. So why the god damn feck is this affecting him that much? It shouldn’t, he should have an easy time getting back to the rhythm of his normal life. 

This is what he’s been saying to himself, fecking hell, this was what he said to Daniel a while back. 

Kevin groans in annoyance and a bit of confusion before doing what he does best and shoves it back to the deep dark part of his heart where it can rot like the damn zombies. He has more important things to worry about, Daniel’s a prime example.

The clock says it’s past 10 already, and he thinks he can hear movement outside but there are no signature groaning or moaning. Human, fellow human beings. That means the actual someone who lives here might be getting back, and he should wake Daniel up so they can get the feck out. He has all of his shit in the cart they stole from the toy store, with all the lego sets coming with of course and he has gone through Daniel’s room, gathering it all into a smaller backpack.

Everything’s ready to go back to Daniel’s place. Even George’s ready, having made a nice little spot at the top of the cart. 

Kevin shrugs, stretching his arm and hears the joints pop lightly. His shoulder has not been acting up much, the zombies killing probably count as his daily training to get them back in order. He wanders over to the couch, poking at Daniel’s face and giggles. It’s not the first time he wakes Daniel up, but his friend really does look cute sleeping.

“Hey sleepyhead, get the feck up,” He says, holding back another giggle as Daniel blinks awake. “Come on, we gotta go now.”

“Hmmm?”

“Everyone’s moving back, so we best get going too before the real owner comes back,” He continues, watching Daniel furrowing his eyebrows and processing the word with his sleep muddled brain. “I got everything packed, so no worry. All I need is some direction now.”

Daniel makes a noise that might be understanding before he pushes himself up, swaying slightly on his feet. “You packed?”

“Yeah, I got up a bit earlier than you, so might as well.”

Daniel hums, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Yeah, cute is definitely the word. “You really don’t have to, Kevin. Next time just wake me up and let me help, Jesus.”

“God knows you need some sleep after the news, man. It’s ok.” He shots back, “Uh, need some water or something before we get going?”

Daniel groans, sluggishly nodding and yeah, they did finish that whole bottle of wine last night. That explains the small headache he had this morning. “Gimme five and I’ll be with you.”

“I’ll just wait for you outside then.”

He sees Daniel nods before his friend disappears into the bathroom, the sound of the door closing echoes softly through the room. He shrugs, moving everything outside to the front door and taking out his phone. 

Yeah, social media has not quieted down, to no one’s surprise. Tweets from politicians, celebrities and people with verification checkmarks beside their names fill his timeline along with memes and updated tweet from a few close friends he followed. Zombies are trending, along with some names that he guesses belong to the people who let the damn virus loose in the first place, and that hashtag must be a shitshow right now.

He just goes through his DMs, chatting with Kipp for a bit before the door opens and closes behind him and Daniel appears again. He looks more awake now, his face wet and his hair even fluffier than usual it makes him want to run his hand through it. He just settles for a friendly ruffle, smirking at Daniel’s “hey!” before swinging his arm around Daniel.

Ok, he might have used the whole zombie apocalypse thing to be more physically affectionate, but Daniel doesn’t seem to mind it one bit so Kevin lets himself enjoy the contact. 

“So, back to my place?” Daniel asks, and Kevin nods. “Right, uh, let me pull up google maps then.”

“You don’t know the way home?”

“George led me to the alley, and then you led me here. No, I don’t know my way home,” Daniel grumbles, and he laughs. “Shut it.”

The walk back is pleasant enough with no interruption from zombies, and Kevin’s not sure whether he feels glad or...not sad, not angry either, disappointed maybe about that. He’s still holding the machete in one hand, Daniel still has his bat but around them are living human beings.

Ragged one who probably just made their way from the camp, but living human beings nonetheless. 

He should be more happy that there are survivors, really, but Daniel’s shying away from the crowd and he wishes he can deal with the mob the same way he deals with zombies: cutting the head clean off. 

In the end, he just pulls Daniel closer and rubs his shoulder for the rest of the journey.

* * *

He watches as Daniel pushes the door open, a long screech following like they’re in a horror movie. To be fair, it is the perfect atmosphere for a horror movie with how dusty the place is and how none of the light is on. Thank god it’s still daytime, some sunlight finding its way in and illuminate the place a bit.

“Welcome,” Daniel says, walking in and Kevin follows. “Uh, it’s not much, but it’s my place. I promise it looks better cleaned.”

“No worry man,” Kevin shrugs, moving to the couch and sitting down on the pile of blankets. It’s comfy, and he let out a pleased hum. Pushing cart might be fun at first but by god is it tiring too, and this is nice. “We can clean it up later, I’m sure.”

Daniel still seems hesitant, skittish like he expects something to jump out right this instance and Kevin sighs, dragging Daniel down into the pile. He hears a surprised gasp, followed by giggles and Daniel’s shoulders shaking, laughing into his shoulder where Daniel has landed. 

“Come on, it’s just the two of us. There’s nothing to give a feck about.”

The giggles subdue, and Daniel lifts his head up. Despite the fact that he slept for 10 hours straight, he still looks tired and Kevin holds back a wince. “I guess so, yeah? I don’t know man.”

“Don’t know what?”

“That it’s just the two of us, that there’s nothing to give a feck about,” Daniel echoes his words, shrugging. “We both have our own lives before this, Kevin. There’s too much to care about, more like.”

He pauses, thinking over his words and Kevin lets him. They’re in a rather awkward position now, both emotionally and physically. He’s kind of leaning forward and Daniel’s awkwardly inserted in the midst of pillows and blankets, but Kevin doesn’t dare move even when his back starts complaining. 

“Why is it so simple for you?” 

Well, now he has to move just so he can give an effective shrug. Kevin shifts, sitting straight up and Daniel follows his lead until they’re cross-legged on the couch. Daniel’s looking at him, a genuine puzzling look that waits for his answer and Kevin sighs. 

“I choose to make it simple. After this I will get back to recording, Kipp will probably still be editing but if he doesn’t then I can do it myself just fine,” He says easily because this is not the first time he has thought about it. “I admit, I will miss the freedom if you can call it that, but life moves on.”

“And you will just ignore everything that had happened?”

“I don’t think I can, but watch as I try anyway,” Kevin means for that to come out as a joke, really, but it feels more like a call out to himself. 

Daniel just gives him a humourless chuckle. “That’s probably not good.”

“Probably, Yeah,” He agrees, and they fall into another round of silence. There’s not much for him to add, it’s how it is for him. Life goes on, and he just had to remind himself to breathe sometimes, remind himself that there are no zombies around.

And sometimes reminds himself that Daniel’s still safe.

He’s still watching Daniel, Kevin realises, to the point where it can be considered rude or creepy. Staring would be a better word. Daniel’s still safe, his family and friends are still safe, but they’re not here. Daniel’s here, physically with no bite mark or wounds, and he pushes down the need to confirm that he is safe and sound. He’s overreacting again.

“I don’t think I’m used to...so many people around me,” Daniel finally says, a bit out of the blue but not really. Apparently, it’s sharing your emotion time right now and Kevin does mind, just a bit. “It’s overwhelming, I guess.”

He wants to say something along the lines of “I can leave if you want.” but something holds him back there. So Kevin hums, grabbing ahold of Daniel’s hand and squeeze. Daniel looks down and squeezes back. “Which is just, very dumb. Not gonna lie, I was desperate for human interaction, still is I think. But at the same time I still want to get away, but not.”

“It takes time to get used to the sight of a mob without thinking that they’re zombies again,” He says, nothing more than a guess that makes some kind of sense. “Believe me, I still want to bash some of their heads in.”

“Kevin no-” Daniel let out a small laugh. “It’s not that bad, really. But you probably hit the nail on the head there, I think. It might be that, or largely that. Or maybe I fear that someone will get infected again, and I won’t be as lucky this time around.”

“Sorry,” He says, because what else can he say right now? 

Daniel snorts, looking up again. “Why sorry, it’s not your fault.”

“I know. It’s a sympathetic sorry,” Kevin shots back, “I’m sorry things are this way. Sorry that you have to feel like this.”

“I’m sorry too then.”

Daniel leans back on him, and Kevin ignores how his shirt’s slowly getting wet. He gets back to playing with Daniel’s hair, twirling the already fluffy strands around his fingers until the sobbing quiets down and Daniel’s shoulders stop shaking. 

It’s nicer this time, the silence. Not so suffocating, not so overwhelming and not so demanding. When Daniel rights himself, he’s wearing a sheepish grin and Kevin just knows he will start apologising for ruining yet another shirt, and that makes him grin. 

“What?” 

“Nothing, nothing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was, honestly, a pain and also a blast to write. It's a step outside of the comfort zone, but well, new year new me and I want to do more experimental things regarding my writing in general, and this fic is taking a turn to that direction from now if you can't tell from the updated summary and tags. So yeah, I hope you like it and you will stick along for the ride! Post-post-apocalypse time, watch as I stumble my way through this the same way Dan and Kev will.
> 
> As usual, thank you for all the kudos and comments, it means the world to me. I came back and reread them a lot more times than I will admit, but particularly when I'm stuck with some scenes from this chapter and the next. Probably during the last talk is when I drag my ass back here the most, yeah, so you guys are really motivating me to finish this and I appreciate it so much! Cheers friend <3! 
> 
> (bonus ramble: holy fuck did fanfiction come up a lot during RT's stream this week. Also the fact that he said he's a top, then backtracked, and this all happens on a quiz about which toes you are is a fever dream.)


	5. Homerun and talk

Kevin wipes all the dust off the counters, rinsing the towel and repeats the motion again. It’s another day of cleaning, and he has been doing that too much lately it’s kinda concerning and surreal. God, no one would believe him about this, absolutely no one.

Still, the place really is a mess, and there’s only so much he can take before he drags Daniel up and gets to cleaning. Daniel’s somewhere in the other room, vacuuming the place up and the sound is loud enough to drown out his thoughts and let him know that Daniel’s still here.

They still have the second floor to get done, and then the attic though Kevin doubts they will need to touch that. There’s probably not much of note there anyway, but he makes a note to check in with Daniel later anyway. Just to be safe.

And so Daniel and he fixed up the place bit by bit until it’s suddenly nightfall and both of them collapsed on the sofa again. Only this time there’s no mountain of blankets there, those having been moved back up to Daniel’s bedroom and a spare room for him, and there’s a satisfying feeling bubbling inside him. God, he misses being productive. 

“You have any plans for tomorrow?” Daniel asks, and he looks up from his phone. 

“Maybe getting back into recording, not sure yet,” Kevin answers because honestly, he really does miss being productive. Like, a lot. “Why?”

Daniel shrugs. “Just wondering. I’m not sure what to do yet, and it sucks just doing nothing. It’s like the beginning of the apocalypse again, except there are no zombies for me to kill.”

He almost suggests going outside, but then thinks better of it. After that conversation, there’s no way he’s letting Daniel out alone, at least until he feels better about crowds. And there will be crowd, he’s pretty sure people will be out celebrating like there’s no tomorrow for the rest of the week, the high not wearing off for them just yet. 

“Catch up with your family and friends, play some video games, read a book? I don’t know, there’s a load of stuff to do.”

“Yeah,” Daniel says, “Maybe I’ll think more about it tomorrow. See what I’m up for, you know?”

“Fair enough.” He says, or is going to says if a yawn doesn’t cut him off. He looks over at his phone, and he might have lost track of time while browsing YouTube but it really is 1 am already, huh? God. “Speaking of, we should probably go to sleep.”

“Probably,” Daniel says. “You go ahead dude, I think I’m going to be down here for a bit more.”

“Not tired yet?” 

“Not really, no.” 

Kevin pauses in his step, wondering if he should try to convince Daniel to at least get a nap. Or maybe to stay up with him. Sure, he hates coffee, but he will down a cup or two to stay up with Daniel. Very reluctantly downing it, but still, drinking the damn drink. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. Catch your beauty sleep, Kevin.”

“Goodnight then.”

* * *

When he wakes up, it’s 8 and his phone is blowing up with notifications. More messages from friends who he’s glad to see still about, and he takes a few minutes to reply to them in bed. Most of his friends are about then, and that puts a smile on his face. Maybe it’s not so bad after all, this whole aftermath thing. He sends a bunch of dumb emojis before turning his phone off because post-post-apocalypse or not, he still has to get up at some point.

Kevin drags himself out of the warm blanket, shivering from the morning cold. The spare bedroom has a foreign feeling to it, the same way the house he broke into has the first few nights, though Kevin’s sure he will get used to this soon enough too. As far as he knows, he’s not planning on leaving anytime soon. 

So he goes through his usual morning routine and only takes a minute longer to find his way around the house. God, it’s still slightly weird. He rarely leaves his own house, not much for travelling and everything feels slightly off that it sucks. 

He groans, but push through until he’s making his way down, pausing at the living room. Daniel’s there already, not noticing that he’s up yet and he takes a second to look Daniel up and down, taking note of the tired pose. He’s hunching over, and when Kevin looks to the side he catches sight of the baseball bat. 

He clears his throat, twice and no reaction from Daniel. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. 

Ok, the first order of business is not to raid the kitchen for breakfast, it’s forcing Daniel to get some sleep. 

Kevin approaches the couch, not even bothered to be quiet. Though for all the noises he’s making, Daniel’s still unresponsive, sitting still like a statue. He waves his hand in front of Daniel and tired eyes only blink, looking past him.

Jesus Christ, Daniel really didn’t get any sleep since yesterday, did he?  


He grabs Daniel’s shoulder and gives it a shake, and the next thing he knows is the sudden pain in his abdomen. 

It’s enough to make him see white for a few seconds, and he blinks rapidly, clearing his vision and seeing the carpet and part of the wooden floor, and he might just be wheezing or something- fuck fuck fuck.

“Oh, shit. Shit shit, holy fuck-” He vaguely hears Daniel swearing up a storm, and Kevin grits his teeth, forcing himself to sit up. His body protests with every motion before he suddenly feels hands wrapping around him and pulling him up until he’s sitting on the couch where Daniel was. 

Daniel. He blinks again, trying to get rid of the sudden brightness that’s making everything blurred together to look at his friend. 

Daniel who’s looking at him with such concern in his eyes and Kevin bites the inside of his mouth to keep in another swear. Ok, fuck that hurts. That really hurts. “Dan, what the-”

“I’m sorry, Jesus fuck- Did not mean to hit you, ok-” Daniel stutters out and cutting him off, his words fast and he looks like he’s about to cry. “Should not have done that, god- I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Dude, it’s ok. Breath,” he tries to say over the ramble, but Daniel’s not listening. Jesus feck. He grabs Daniel’s shoulders again, holding him still and this time he doesn’t get hit so Kevin’s counting that as a win. Daniel’s actually crying now, and he wipes the tears off, Daniel flinches away from his touch. “It’s alright, ok?”

“It’s not, I just hit you!”

“You didn’t mean to, it’s an accident.” He shrugs, and this time there’s only a small jolt when he moves, thank God. “Just, I’m fine. The most that it gonna do is leave a bruise, it’s not life-threatening, ok? Dan, it really is ok.”

Daniel doesn’t say anything, besides the occasion sobs that he can’t quite hold back and Kevin sighs. He swallows down what’s left of the sharp ache and stands up, dragging Daniel along until they’re in the bedroom and pushes him down onto the mattress, Daniel not protesting. But he’s holding onto Kevin tightly, having no intention of releasing him soon so Kevin sits down too. 

“Come on, I bet you haven’t slept since yesterday, right?” He asks even when the answer is obvious. Daniel shrugs. “There are no zombies here to worry about.”

“You don’t know that.” He replies - the first words beside the string of swearing and apologising. 

“Well, I can take them easily. And I can always wake you up if shit hits the fan.” Kevin says, “You’re safe Dan, it really is ok. Just sleep, it will be good for you.”

There’s no more complain, and Kevin watches as Daniel’s breathing slows down, his body going limp in the midst of blankets and pillows. Now, this is a new level of creepiness that Kevin isn’t expecting to cross anytime soon, watching your friend sleeps but even when Daniel’s off to dreamland, his grip doesn’t loosen. 

“Sweet dream, Dan.”

* * *

Daniel opens his eyes and blinks. He’s back in his bedroom, Kevin’s beside him and he feels like shit. Not the best feeling to wake up to, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from crawling inside him, the memory replaying.

He meant to get some sleep, he swears. But there were noises outside, and his bat was right there and the sofa gave him a nice view of the front door that was not barricaded, and well… Had he just been sitting there the whole time until Kevin came over?

Kevin.

Kevin is still sleeping. Kevin also got fucking hit with a bat. By him. Because of what? He was startled, he mistook the movement for something else, a mix of those and the fact that he didn’t get any sleep beside a few times he dozed off for 10 minutes or so.

Daniel sighs, sitting up properly. He loosens his grip on Kevin’s arm, his friend only making a small noise of protest before trailing off to silence again. He looks better like this than when he was on the ground, wheezing and just… God, he’s a horrible person. Why is Kevin still here, why has he not pack up and leave?

His hand moves before he even knows what he’s doing, hiking up Kevin’s shirt and a bruise looks back at him, dark purple against the pale skin. And Daniel stares back at it for god knows how long, and it’s like he’s back downstairs on the sofa with the bat in hand.

He only got knocked out of that daze when Kevin shifts, and he retracts his hand. He wonders if he had woken up Kevin there, but there’s no more moving and Kevin’s eyes remain shut, so that’s good. That’s great, if only because dealing with this is the last thing he wants to do first thing in the morning.

Is it even morning right now? What time is it?

He slips out of the bed, trying to be as quiet as possible and closes the door behind him. From then he drags himself to the bathroom, wincing at his reflection before getting into the shower. The cold water wakes him up all the way, and he lets himself stand there for a minute just to gather his thoughts. 

It’s not that hard when his thought is repeating what he already knows, that he fucking hurt a friend. Not just a friend, Kevin.

Can he even call himself Kevin’s friend after that shit? 

The water slowly turns from cold to scalding hot, and he feels like he’s burning. His skin is certainly turning red as seconds pass by, and the small pool of water gathering underneath is burning his feet, but it doesn’t matter that much right now. Hell, maybe he deserves that.

But he doesn’t deserve to survive the apocalypse, does he? What good can he do anyway, besides messing everything up for Kevin, for everyone? Fuck.

Daniel isn’t sure when he has flipped the water off and gotten out, but he’s sure every step is sending searing pain through his body, and the cold wind doesn’t help. The window’s open, there are people outside, living people.

He shuts it, and then get dressed.

* * *

“Yeah, talk to you later. Love you,” Daniel says, before hanging up. It’s nice, talking to everyone but even his brother is busy with his own things right now, mainly moving back to his place and helping his parents. He would help, he wants to help, but he just got told to not worry. 

It’s exactly what he has been doing throughout the post-apocalypse and apparently now, the post-post apocalypse too. He shrugs, pocketing the phone and picks up the switch again. The peaceful background music for Breathe of the Wild plays as he controls Link, the game calming his nerves somewhat. 

This is nice, this is ok. This is fine, there’s nothing to worry about.

Link jumps off the high temple and glides his way down, and he takes a breathe in. There are no zombies, and if there is the bat is right there beside him. It’s ok. 

He isn’t sure how long he sits there, playing away and burning through the breakable weapon, or how many times he jumps whenever there’s a sound from outside, but the next sound is footsteps from above and he puts down the switch. Kevin’s awake, and he forces himself to not run away to wherever and to actually have a proper talk about all this. And there will be a talk, for both their sakes.

He forces himself to loosen the grip on the controller until his knuckles aren’t white from how hard he’s holding it, and Daniel grits his teeth. He’s an adult, he can handle a talk. He should be mature about this, why is he acting like this? 

Maybe three days ago when the apocalypse was still a thing, he could run and hide, but it’s not anymore. Things are different now.

“Afternoon,” Kevin says first, and his tone is still cheerful. Why is it cheerful? “Sorry, did not mean to fall asleep like that, Jesus. I haven’t even eaten anything since yesterday.”

“Hey,” He greets back, turning around and watching Kevin. He’s making his way into the kitchen, and Daniel waits for a moment before Kevin reemerges again, an opened can of something in his hand and a spoon in the other before he sits down next to Daniel. 

Kevin hums, eating through his food and Daniel waits. Why has Kevin not say anything yet, why has Kevin not yell at him or something along that line yet? He can deal with a reaction, but this is just- it’s nothing. Kevin doesn’t seem to bother that his stomach is black and blue, that he got hurt. 

“So,” He starts when it’s obvious that Kevin won’t, and blue eyes flicker to him before moving back to the tv that isn’t even on. “About that-”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Kevin cuts him off before he can continue, and Daniel snaps his mouth closed with a click. “Really, it’s an accident, we can let bygones be bygones or whatever.”

“I do want to talk about it though,” He says, and that manages to shut Kevin up. Kevin even looks surprised at his words, and he isn’t sure how to take that. “It’s something I really need to talk about. I’m trying to be, well, mature about this.”

That got Kevin’s full attention, and Kevin looking at him with those blue eyes should not be that suffocating or intense, but it is. Fuck.

“I hit you.” 

“You did,” Kevin says but his tone isn’t blaming or condemning. It’s like they’re talking about the weather and like this is just small talk. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“You said that already. And I said it’s ok, and it is. Accidents happened.”

“It’s not though,” He nearly yells. He has, at the very least, raised his voice enough for Kevin to sends him a concerned look. Daniel swallows. “And it’s not just about hitting you. I’m just not in a good place and it’s not ok for me right now. You can say it’s all fine and dandy, but it really is fucking not, yeah?”

“Ah,” Kevin says. “Alright. It’s not ok then. I thought this was just about earlier.”

“It’s not...Well, it is a bit, but yeah.” He shrugs. “It’s about how I can’t get in in the memo that everything is fine now. Why else do you think I was awake?”

“Paranoia? Did you mistook me for a zombie?” Kevin asks, and the offending tone in his voice clearly plays up for a joke. Two seconds of silence that seems so much longer for Daniel, and then: “Oh.”

“I can’t even see movement without thinking that it might be a zombie wanting to eat me, and it fucking sucks,” He confesses, looking away so he doesn’t see the pity look Kevin must be sending him. He pities himself, to be honest. “It’s not half this bad when there’s an actual apocalypse, you know this. Why the fuck is it acting up now?”

“Beats me,” Kevin says, and then winces. “Ok, that’s the wrong choice of words there, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah…” He trails off and waits. What is he waiting for, Daniel’s not sure, but it isn’t a hug from Kevin. They hug a lot, so many times since they found each other, but every time it still feels heavenly. It’s warm, comforting and for a moment there is no zombie around. Just for a moment, it feels ok. 

“You know, we joke about therapy a few times, but it doesn’t seem like a half-bad idea right now,” Kevin says. “Like, I’m pretty sure there are government-sponsored one. We can look into it.”

“We should, yeah,” He concedes. That idea has been in his mind, popping up every now and then and for some reasons, he has always pushed it back down. Even now, when it’s the obvious solution, he still flinches away from it, even when he knows he needs it. Like, really needs it.

* * *

They look into it, on his PC and Kevin’s phone. There are government-sponsored one, one that specifically focused on the apocalypse that he isn’t sure if he should go to. There are a lot of people in Dublin, which means there are a lot of people who probably needs it more than he does. 

He has a rather smooth apocalypse experience, he has Kevin and George throughout, and supply has never been a problem. He got dealt a lucky hand, luckier than most people he reckons. 

Daniel’s also a bit grateful when Kevin doesn’t ask why when he said no to the government therapy, and just switches tab. In the end, anyway, they settle for a small private therapist about 10 minutes away, and Kevin sends an email before both of them can back out. 

“You’re not going?” He asks when he realises the email sent only mention Daniel Condren, not Kevin O’Reilly. 

Kevin shrugs. “Nah, I’m fine where I am. The whole apocalypse thing is, well, it’s just another experience. I learned some stuff from it, it was kind of enjoyable, and that’s that.”

“Right,” Daniel says, and trails off. He’s not sure what else to say, he has never gone through this before, sue him. “Right.”

“Yeah,” Kevin adds. A beat, and then his hair is being played with again and Daniel relaxes his shoulder. He doesn’t even realise he has been tensing, but this is a bit better. “I’m proud of you, for all of this. You know?”

“Really now?”

“Yeah, you’re doing great.” Kevin sends him a smile, just a small quirk of mouth. “I’m sure this is rather terrifying.”

It is, the anticipation mixed with something else in his brain that’s activating his fight or flight response. And god, does he want to run right now, hides away in his bed with the door locked. 

“Positively horrifying.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, that was a fucking ride to write and there was probably a lot of projecting going on there too, but we're ending it on a light note of "finally therapy!" at least. Well, for one of them- but that's all you're getting for now. Who says healing will be a smooth journey?
> 
> In the meantime though, thank you for all the comments and kudos and just, everything really. I was pretty worried about posting the last chap, so your support means so much to me! I can only hope you like this one too, and Thank You, really <3!
> 
> I promised therapy, and there will be therapy next Saturday. So you have that to look forward to, and I will see you next week!


	6. First session

It’s Tuesday, and Daniel’s sitting in the waiting room, bouncing his leg. There’s no one here besides him, and there’s an eerie silence that stretches on and on and he is partly to blame. It’s still, he looks down at his phone, a solid 15 more minutes until his appointment, and 20 minutes since he had sat down on the worn couch. 

Why did he have to get here so early?

The tick of the clock hung on the wall gives a rather unhelpful answer. Daniel sighs. 

10 minutes before his appointment, the door with a little name tag that read “Kara Moore” opened and a man walks out. A fellow patient, he guesses. He looks rather happy though, there’s a smile on his face even when his eyes look a bit red.

But his attention moves to Dr Moore rather quickly, his...therapist. God, he has a therapist now. Daniel swallows, averting his gaze quickly and let out a breath when he hears the soft echo of the door closing. That 10 more minutes quickly turns into 1, and then the door opens again.

“Daniel, right?” She asks, her voice soft and calming while still maintaining that professional tone. How does she even do that, he’s not sure. 

“Uh, yeah. Hi-” He stands up quickly, and right, what does he do next now? A handshake? Is that too formal? 

Doctor Moore, thank God, saves him from the awkward position of “do you go for a handshake or not?” with a chuckle and gestures for him to go into the room. And the room is definitely not what he was expecting.

There’s none of that cold clinical feel in TV shows or movies, no white walls or something along that line. No, it’s just a little cosy living room with toys of all things scattered around, some sitting on the shelves and some on the ground. He even sees a few lego sets, and for some reason that calms him down just a bit. 

Ok, maybe this won’t be so bad. It’s ok, he can do this. 

“Take a seat,” She says, and now does he notice the two chair in the middle of the room. Once again, it looks nothing like what he saw on the telly. It looks soft and comfortable as fuck, and he wanders over and sits down. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Ah, I’m fine. It’s ok.” 

She gives him an amused smile, just a quirk of mouth and places a cup of water down on the table beside him anyway. “Well, it’s here when you need it.”

“Thanks,” He replies, and Dr. Moore shrugs before taking the seat opposite him and makes herself comfortable. She’s also not wearing, like, a suit or something. The sweater is not so informal that it’s inappropriate but it fits with the rest of the room.

He feels like he’s overdressed now, with the white dress shirt. 

He also feels like the media has lied to him about therapy. 

“So, what should I call you?” 

“Oh, Daniel would be fine.” 

“Well, you can just call me Kara then.” Doc- Kara says. “I’m not going to bore you with the details, you have read the contract and confidentiality is a big part there. Of course, I am legally required to break said confidentiality when I feel like you’re a danger to yourself or the people around you. If you were to end up in any kind of legal trouble, the information you give me here can be legally asked of me to disclose.”

He had read the pdf in one of the many exchanged emails and read it again until he can recite it word by word and Daniel nods. “I have to sign something, right?”

Kara hands him a clipboard and a pen, pointing at the X and he signs his name easily. “Now with that out of the way, shall we start?”

He shifts in the chair, and the sudden tense feeling comes crawling back. Daniel takes a breath and nods. “Yeah, let’s. Only have so much time today, right?”

“You don’t have to rush,” Kara sends him another reassuring smile, her hand toying with the pen and spinning it around. “How about we start with why you’re here if that’s alright?”

“That’s fine,” He nods and then trails off. Kara’s looking at him, not judging but she is waiting for his answer. No shit there, she did just ask him a question. 

There’s a clock in the room, the ticking noise echoes through the room rhythmically. He counts it: one, two, three, four.

“Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it. We just went through a literal zombie apocalypse after all.” Daniel says, fidgeting with his fingers. “Not much to say on that.”

“If there’s not much to say then you wouldn’t be here,” Kara points out, and he chuckles weakly. Fair point right there. “Let me guess, it’s the paranoia, right?”

Oh. He takes another deep breath, in and out, and forces out an answer. “Yeah...How did you know?”

“You’re not the only ones affected by all of this,” Kara answers, and he watches as she reaches down and out of nowhere and pulls out a fucking golf club of all things. It’s a bit bent, he notes, and probably not from actually playing golf. “Also, you’ve been looking at the door too many times since you walked in.”

Has he? 

“Have I?” 

“You’re still on edge about this whole thing, and that’s to be expected,” Kara continues, and she’s holding the club the same way he would hold his bat. He has left it at home today, and his hand still itches to hold onto something, and fuck. “That’s normal.”

“No, it’s not-” he shouts back before he can even stop himself. “If it is, I wouldn’t be here, talking to you about this whole thing. But no, I can’t even catch some sleep because...”

He trails off, and the clock ticks. One, two, three. 

“Well, not as much normal as it’s normal behaviour for our brain,” she backtracks. “It is normal to experience a heightened fight-or-flight response during the apocalypse, and you retain those even when the threat is gone. It’s a pattern formed, an emergency response turn normal.”

“Right…” He nods. That makes sense, of course, that makes sense. It’s a professional explaining it to him after all, and he burns those words into his memory, just so he can go over them again later. “Ok.”

“Ok,” Kara echoes his words. “Let’s continue. You mention not being able to sleep?”

Daniel almost swore at himself for letting that slip out, before he remembers this is therapy. He’s supposed to share stuff like this, right? “I, yeah. I want to, but it’s...I can’t get my mind to believe that there’s no zombie around anymore, and I-” He pauses, trailing off. 

And he what? He slept fine during the apocalypse, he slept fine when he stayed at Kevin’s broken-in house. Why the fuck is it acting up now? “I don’t know anymore.”

“You feel unsafe then?” Kara prompts, and he nods again. He’s doing a lot of that today. “A lot of people, after a traumatic event, find themselves feeling on edge, or angry. What set you off?”

“People, movement, touch. I-” He clenches his fist, and it was like the bat is in his hand again. “I accidentally hit someone. A friend.”

“Did you?”

Kevin, laying on the floor, curling up with his hand around his stomach. Kevin’s glassy eyes like he’s about to cry, Kevin’s pained noise mixed with swearing. 

“Yeah. It was during, well, I didn’t sleep that night. I was waiting, or maybe, I guess, expecting zombies.”

Loud noises outside, footsteps. He thinks he heard fireworks, and if he was a bit more awake he might also think that fireworks are rather strictly controlled here. But he wasn’t, he was barely there, the bat was in his hand. The door was not barricaded. The door was not barricaded. The door is not barricaded. 

Kara is saying something, but she’s far away. Like she’s behind closed doors, and it’s muffled and her mouth is moving but he can’t fucking hear- Oh.

He’s holding something cold in his hand, and it takes him by surprise. He looks down at the golf club that somehow makes its way into his hand, and he clenches on the handle. 

“Daniel, stay with me. Look at me, I’m here with you.”

He’s looking at Kara, just like what she told him to do. She’s breathing, is what his brain takes note of first, and she’s human. “Breathe with me, ok? In, hold and out. Do it with me.”

He’s drowning, and then he’s not. He’s breathing, Daniel realises, deep inhale and hold and exhale with Kara. Her words are clearer now, in between the breathing exercise that Daniel’s slowly remember from a post online. 4 ticks, 7 ticks, 8 ticks. 

The clock is still ticking, and he’s in therapy. He’s with Kara.

“I’m-” He starts, and then coughs. Kara just gives him an understanding smile and passes him the cup of water, and he downs about half of it until his throat doesn't feel so dry anymore. 

The next thing he notices is that he’s crying. Since when has he been crying? He wipes the tears off with his sleeves, at least trying to get himself back in a presentable state. 

“I think,” Kara says, her voice almost a whisper. Thank God, he doesn’t think he can handle anything louder than that, not with the way his ears are still ringing. “I think we should do a few exercises, how about that?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Alright, it’s called five-four-three-two-one and it’s a grounding technique. You heard about that before?”

He shakes his head, and they got to work. Kara tells him to look around the room and picks out five random objects, and he does: A picture frame, a coat hanging in the corner, a box of tissue that he quickly snatches one to wipe away the rest of the tear, a vase with colourful flowers and a set of Lego that he asks if that’s hers. 

“Yes, but I usually keep it here. Some people find it calming to do something with their hand while talking, and it’s lego. You can’t go wrong with that,” Kara says. “Are you very into Legos, Daniel?”

“Yeah, it’s a pretty big thing I’d say,” He answers, “Do you mind if-”

“No, go ahead.”

They continue on through the four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste, all the while he sorts through the pieces and flips through the guide book. And, he’s not going to lie, it helps. The exercise or the Lego, maybe both? Yeah, both. 

“Are you good with continuing now?” 

Daniel shrugs, putting the two 1x6 plates together. There’s a satisfying click, and he exhales. “I, I think so? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, there’s nothing to be sorry about,” Kara says, firmly and he diverts his gaze. Fuck. “We’re taking this at your own pace, alright? As I said, there’s no rush.”

“I just like... feel like I should be over this, you know? Kevin certainly is, and he makes it looks so simple- I’m almost jealous,” Daniel admits, and Kara nods. “I don’t know…”

“Well, that’s what you’re here for, right? To figure everything out, and again, to do it at your own pace. Everyone heals differently, that’s the funny thing.”

“I guess so, yeah.” He clicks the 2x3 bricks together this time, filling in the silence. There’s still the ticking of the clock, but it’s fading away more and more now. 

“You mentioned Kevin, is that your friend?”

“Friend’ doesn’t even begin to describe it, Daniel thinks. He doesn’t think he can still call Kevin a friend after the months living together during the apocalypse, and then the week living together now. Not just roommates either. He used to have roommates back in college days, and while they live under the same roof, he doesn’t know them that much. 

Kevin, he knows way too much about. It’s hard not to when he wants to learn more about his friend, and he doesn’t have a degree in English to not have good analysing skills.

“Yeah, a really good friend,” He settles on and then pauses. And again, reminds himself that he’s in therapy, it’s encouraged to share stuff. “He’s the one I, well, I hit.”

“And he’s doing good?”

“I was pretty tired, I think, so it wasn’t a hard hit or anything. Left a bruise, but he seems to be doing okay,” Daniel answers, but Kara’s still looking at him with a raised eyebrow. Oh, right. “He’s doing well, it’s like nothing happened in the first place. Fuck, I don’t know why is he sticking around with me.”

“Because he also sees you as a really good friend?” Kara says, echoing his words and Daniel shrugs. “You blame yourself for all this then?”

“Of course I do. Kevin can just, I don’t know, fuck off back to his family or something, but he’s stuck with me. And now he got hurt, and I’m still like this, and just-” He groans, wanting to tear his hair off. “Yes, I do.”

“Alright.”

He pauses, looking back at Kara. “What?”

“Alright, you did something wrong and hurtful,” She says. “But it’s in the past, and obsessing over it won’t change anything. The more you focus on it, the more it will continue to plague you and interfere with your life. Which, it is.”

“But-”

“Tell me, Daniel, how is blaming yourself working out for you?”

He swallows thickly. He isn’t sure how long they sit in the silence this time, but finally, he sighs. “Not so good.”

“Not so good,” Kara repeats. “You know, guilt is not meant to be a punishment for yourself. It’s more of a change to learn, but farther than that it is an unnecessary burden. It’s holding you back from making amend, from improving from your mistake.”

He shrugs. Logically, he knows that, but damn if he still feels fucking horrible about it. “I-well...Yeah...”

“I think the first thing I want you to try is to stop berating yourself so much,” She continues, slowly like she’s worried he will hate the idea. He does. “Kevin wouldn’t want you to beat yourself over this, wouldn’t he?”

“He’s too nice for something like that,” He says and pauses. More like Kevin’s too nice to say that to his face. He keeps that train of thought to himself. 

“Well, small steps then. Try to be nicer to yourself, physically and mentally. I know going outside might still be a trouble for you, but some fresh air is always good.” 

“I, yeah, I can do that.”

Kara sends him a beaming smile that makes him feel worse inside. Nice going there, lying to someone who’s trying to help you. He grits his teeth, forcing that specific train of thoughts to at least go somewhere else because he can at least try her advice. Emphasis on try.

“We can work on that more, hopefully, next week?” 

The question there is clear, and Daniel nods. “Yeah, next week sounds good. How much time do we have left?”

“Enough time for you to complete that section of the set,” Kara answers, and he huffs at the rather sudden topic change. “Shall I leave it undisturbed for you to continue?”

“Oh- I don’t want to be a bother.”

“It’s fine.” Kara smiles, leaning over and picks up two Lego pieces herself. “You have done enough for today, let’s just relax now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some good fucking therapy. Well, good-ish- My own experience with therapy is widely different from this, so this is just me trying my best to paint an actual session. I'm just stumbling my way through this really, so any feedback is appreciated! Gods know I'll need them- But yeah, I want the first session to has its own chapter, but from now we'll speed it up a bit because if we do one session a chapter then this damn fic would never end. 
> 
> As always though, thank you! It was a ride to write and also a call out to myself (me, realising how much I'm projecting: o h) so I hope you like this chapter, and I appreciate you all a lot for giving this a read, for kudoing, commenting, you know it. Cheers friend, I'll see you next Sat
> 
> (Also, massive thank you to Jupi for betaing this chap and read through my dumb writing! You rock!)


	7. A very good friend of mine

“So, how was it?” Kevin asks, and Daniel shrugs. He’s still fidgeting, now with his shirt instead of lego pieces, and the session is still fresh in his mind. He knows an hour can pass by fast, with how much fun he had had with his stream, but it has never been that fast before. 

“Ok, I guess…” He answers, and Kevin hums. The hand around his shoulder pulls him closer to Kevin, and he follows easily, glad for the contact that grounds him. 

“We can always find someone new if you’re not comfortable, you know this.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They walk in silence for a few more minutes, back to the familiar street that leads back to his place. He sneaks glances at Kevin every now and then, but Kevin doesn’t seem bothered by his lack of an answer. 

“It’s nice, talking to someone,” He finally says. “We work through a lot.”

“That’s good to hear then,” Kevin smiles down at him, and Daniel averts his eyes. “I take it that you’re coming back next week?”

“Probably, yeah,” He says. “I’m gonna email her later today for a proper date and time, but that’s for later.”

“Good to know that therapy ain’t that bad for you then.” 

“Don’t know that you worried that much,” He says back, intending for that to come out as a lighthearted tease. For some reason, it doesn’t and his hand clenches, his nails digging in the palm. “I mean-”

“Of course I care,” Kevin says back, cutting him off and Daniel doesn’t add anything more. Of course, Kevin does, of course. He says it so easy, so fast without a second thought, and Daniel shrugs helplessly at himself. 

Kara’s words echo in his head, and he takes a breath. Be nice to yourself. 

Kevin’s not lying. He thinks Kevin’s not lying. They’re relatively alone on the street, Kevin could have said anything to him and doesn’t have to worry about anyone accidentally listening in, so why would he lie? 

“I care for you too, ” He says back, smiling at Kevin and he beams back. “Nerd.”

“Hey! I’m not the one who collect Amiibos here!” Kevin snarks back, and he fakes a gasp.

“How dare! Take that back you little shit!”

Kevin snickers, and he can’t quite fight back a grin of his own. “Well, maybe it’s a bit impressive.” 

“Only a bit? It’s god damn magnificent and you know it!”

* * *

“Hello Daniel,” Kara says, opening the door to the office and gestured for him to come in. He does, quickly standing up from the sofa and get seated where he was last Tuesday. “How are you today?”

“Good, I think. You?”

“I’ve been doing well, thank you. I’m glad to see you back here,” Kara says, sending him a smile and Daniel looks away. He just comes back, it’s not a big deal, there’s no need for Kara to give him a proud smile. 

“Well, I’m glad to be back,” He replies, a bit surprised with how...truthful that statement is. He is glad to be back here, sitting on a comfortable chair and getting psychoanalysed for an hour. Huh.

“That’s good to hear then,” Kara says, picking up her clipboard and flipping through the pages before stopping on what must be his own notes. “Shall we continue?”

“Yes, of course-” He says, sitting up a bit straighter. “I- where were we?”

“Dealing with your unhealthy guilt,” Kara says, fast and straight to the point. She’s giving him a pointed look, with an arched eyebrow and there’s a question somewhere. He shrugs helplessly, playing with the hem of his shirt. “Oh wait, I’m sorry. I almost forgot…”

Daniel watches as she stands up quickly and goes over to one of the shelves in the room, looking around before digging out- oh. The lego set that he was playing with the last time. He has forgotten about it but seeing Kara remembering that… He shakes his head slightly to clear out the oncoming train of thoughts.

Remember what she says. Be nice to yourself, Kara’s being nice to you. 

It’s her job to be nice to him though, he thinks, and fuck. Still, he sends her a shaky smile as she placed the set down on the table, and reaches out for the guide book, flipping to where he left off last time.

The ticking of the clock turns into the clicking of lego pieces together, and he breathes. “My guilt?”

“Your unhealthy guilt, Daniel. There’s a difference there,” Kara corrects him, easily like she has done it again and again too many times before. “Do you know what it is?”

“The name is rather self-explanatory,” He jokes, chuckling weakly before trailing off into silence. “Guilt that is...unhealthy for me?”

“Basically, yes. Guilt about something that you can’t control, guilt that beat you up for everything, guilt that put more and more on you until you can’t balance it anymore,” She lists off, and Daniel gulps. “If it doesn't serve a purpose, or its purpose is harmful, it's maladaptive. It’s unhealthy."

“Yeah, that makes sense.” 

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Kara says, leaning forward. “How did Kevin feel about you hitting him?”

“Kevin?” He asks backs, and Kara shrugs.

“Humour me.”

“Well- He- He said he’s fine with all of that-” He answers, and when he clicks the lego pieces in his hand together, it’s with more force than necessary. The click sounds so loud, echoing through the silent room. “That it was just an accident, and it was ok.”

“And was it an accident? Did you mean to hit him?” 

“Of course it was- I’d never want to hit him!” He retorted, quickly before snapping his mouth closed. “Sorry-”

“It’s ok, you don’t have to keep yourself in check here,” She says. “If you can’t let go in therapy, where else can you?”

“Well still, I...yeah-” He sighs, looking away. Kevin’s on the floor, Kevin’s curling up onto himself, Kevin’s hurt- “I don’t want to see him hurt.”

“Yet you’re still blaming yourself for hitting him when it’s obvious that hitting him is the last thing you want.” 

“It’s- Why don’t you both understand? He said the exact same thing too,” Daniel chuckles weakly, messing with his own hair and for a moment it feels like Kevin’s here. It’s just a thing that Kevin has done so many times that it has just become his thing, and he sighs again. “I still hit him, and just-”

Click. The lego pieces fill the silence again when he trails off. 

“When did you hit him?”

“About 3? 3 weeks ago? I- that was the thing that pushed me into getting therapy, so I guess it’s a bit before my email. Uh-”

“And this has been plaguing your mind for 3 weeks?” She keeps going, and he reluctantly nods. “And have you make any new ground?”

“New ground?”

“Any new discovery about the situation, anything new from the three weeks?” Kara clarifies, and he shrugs.

“Not much to discover about it, it’s rather straightforward.”

“So you think about it and think about it but you don’t make any new ground. There’s no resolution or closure or decision made. You’re just going in circles,” Kara says. “It’s called rumination, and it just means thinking about something over and over to the point of uselessness.”

Fuck. Daniel forces his grip on the lego brick to relax, though it’s not quite enough to stop a red imprint on his hand that slowly fades away with the dull pain. 

“I’m sure hitting Kevin has not been the only thing you ruminate on about. Have you been thinking more about negative points before or during the apocalypse or view the future as hopeless, Daniel?”

“No-” He forces the word out, though the lie tastes terrible on his tongue. Fuck. He grabs the cup of water, taking a few sips so his throat wouldn’t feel so dry and- fuck. He’s in therapy, it’s ok, let go. “I mean, not entirely. Not a no, no.”

“Is it alright if we talk more about that?” Kara asks, and he nods shakily. ”Tell me more about your thoughts then. What are some common things that usually come up?”

“I- Um, I was rather alone during the zombie apocalypse,” He starts, “Like, besides my cat, there’s no one around. That comes up a lot, I guess, and it wasn’t even bad. I had enough supply, I had protection, the place is solid enough to stop zombies from breaking in-”

“But you were alone,” Kara says, and Daniel nods. “Loneliness and isolation can affect you a lot.”

“Yeah, I know. I feel, felt, like garbage most of the time, it’s- I think if Kevin hadn’t found me sooner I would have- well, I don’t know. Things would have been really different.”

“Kevin found you?”

“George kinda led me to Kevin really, so it’s not as much as Kevin found me as he stumbled on me. But yeah, he did,” Daniel recounts. “We kinda live together since then, because hey, it’s the zombie apocalypse and then it’s hey I’m not letting you deal with this alone. The latter is all Kevin, really.”

“Sound nice, having someone to help and support you through,” Kara says, and he smiles. 

“It does, it really does. Don’t know what I’d have done without him, really.” He says, and Kara scribbles something down on her notes. “Well, I am still not knowing what to do, but he helps.”

Kara sends him another encouraging smile, silently telling him to keep going. Daniel does. “Just- I can’t get back into doing anything after the zombie apocalypse. I want to stream, or to make videos, or to just finish a book or something- but I just can’t. And that’s stupid because I love those things. Streaming and chatting and editing- but whenever I see the monitor I just- I can’t. Don’t know if I will ever again, really. Does that make sense?”

“Of course it is, and you’re valid to feel like that,” Kara says, and that settles some of his nerves. “You do know that it’s not expected for you to get back into the swing of things immediately, right?”

“It’s not as much expected- I know my audience is patient with me. It’s more me being frustrated with myself,” he confesses. “There’s just no motivation to do anything, but at the same time, I want to do it. I want to be productive, I want to get better, I want to stop the- uh, rumination as you called it. I just, can’t.”

“Of course, but are you aiming too high?” Kara asks, and he shrugs. “You’re setting up impossible, or at least, tasks that are bigger than what you can do right now and then feel bad when you couldn’t achieve it.”

“It’s not too high though, right? Everyone’s back in the groove already, Kevin’s making daily videos, you are working again-” Daniel stammers out. “Literally everyone around me has moved on, and I feel worse for being like this.”

“Daniel, I’m not asking about other people, I’m asking about you,” Kara says, and that shuts him up. “We’re focusing on you, not Kevin or me. Alright?”

“Alright…”

“So, with how you’re feeling right now, do you think your expectations are too high to reach?”

He sighs. “I suppose so, yeah.”

“And because you’re not reaching them, you’re feeling worse and worse and then you try again, but this time you set it even higher, and then you fail again, and again,” she continues. “And we’re back in another cycle. Rumination.”

He almost denies everything Kara just said, almost. That sounds stupid, there’s no way he’s like that. Plus, if he is anyway, he would have known from the start, right? 

Right?

Stream this today, can’t even turn on the computer. Go outside, can’t even do that without dragging Kevin with him, and he’s already feeling guilty enough for getting Kevin away from his own work. Finish a book, can’t. Finish a game, can’t. Get something to eat, kind of, but the food still tastes bland like it’s from those cans, even when Daniel knows it’s not. 

Fuck.

“And throughout all this, you’re still blaming yourself, aren’t you Daniel? Why can’t I get this done, why can’t I do this, why am I so useless, why am I like this?”

He stares at Kara, and he knows he can’t deny that. Not when she’s looking back at him like that, and she’s obviously trying to help him. She’s trying to help him. “...Yeah, I- Well, you pretty much said it all really...I’m rather easy to figure out, huh?”

“Maybe, but is that really a problem?” 

“...Not really, I guess…” He answers back. 

“And now that we have that figured out, we can try to find a solution, yeah?” Kara continues, and he reluctantly nods. “Let’s try something actually. It might work, it might not work, but I want you to try labelling your thoughts.”

“Label?”

“Think of it this way: you have three suitcases, labelling past worry, present worry and future worry. You can’t all carry those suitcases around, or maybe you can try, but it would be very hard to walk around and it would weigh you down and make life all the more difficult. When the thoughts come, and they will, I’m not saying it will suddenly vanish, I want you to try to label it, and to recognise if it’s a past worry or a future worry then put it aside. Same for the present worry. Then carry one suitcase at a time.”

“W-what?”

He must have looked really confused, and he is because Kara adds: “It works by orienting people towards the present: their present thoughts, their present emotions, and their present bodily sensations. We spend so much time in the past or anticipating the present, that it can impact our ability to fully experience the present. So I want you to try that, just for this week if that’s alright with you?”

She pauses, looking at him, searching for something and Daniel swallows. He reaches for the glass automatically, taking another sip and the cold water clears his head somewhat. “Sure, I can do that?”

Can he?

“I find that it helps with rumination in other patients, but it’s alright if it doesn't work out for you. There are more ways we can try to do this, and it’s about finding what works best for you.”

Ok, he can try. “I- let’s try the labelling and see where it goes, I guess.”

* * *

They’re laying on the couch again, and it’s almost a routine at this point. Kevin’s holding his phone loosely as he surfs the internet while he has his Switch, Animal Crossing booted up and running. 

It’s nice, nicer than Daniel thinks just sitting on the couch, half-leaning on each other could feel. The background music from the game is calming, the game is calming, and Kevin’s presence is calming. Kevin’s still here.

It has been a month since the apocalypse, and Kevin’s still here. 

He looks over, watching Kevin for a moment. He’s on YouTube now, hearting a few comments here and there on his newest video that Damiel will have to watch later. He usually save the daily upload right before he goes to sleep, Kevin’s voice marginally helps with his restlessness at night. 

He could have asked to just share a bed, they have done that already, but that’s- He doesn’t want to be a bother. Kevin has helped him enough already, he doesn’t have to bug the man while he’s asleep too. And some parts tell him that Kevin wouldn’t mind, but- He sighs softly, leaning a bit closer to Kevin. 

He can worry about that later. Mindfulness and the suitcase thing, just like Kara said. Kevin’s solid beside him, George is somewhere around though Daniel knows he will come running in and join the couch soon, and there are no zombies. That’s- that’s a thing of the past, past worry.

“You ok there?” He hears Kevin asks, and Daniel realises the Switch has turned off from him not actually playing the thing. “Dan?”

“I-” He pauses. “Kevin, be honest.”

“Okay?”

“Why are you still here?” He asks, finally. The question has been in his head for so long, buzzing around and the words slipping out is like a weight relieving from his shoulders. 

“Whatever you mean?” Kevin asks, looking at him. “Like- why do I stay here with you? Cause if you don’t want I can get out of your hair.”

“No! I mean, well, yeah, why are you still here with me- but like- I do want you to be here,” Daniel stutters. “I’m just curious, I guess.”

“Dan, I’m not just going to leave you alone after all that,” Kevin shrugs. “You’re my friend, of course, I’m going to be here for your ass.”

“But you have family and such too- friends who you know way longer- or just- anyone else, why me?” He presses, and Kevin stops whatever he’s going to say and make a thoughtful noise. “Kevin?”

“Because you’re...well, I don’t know myself, really,” Kevin breathes out. “I want to be with you, I think, though this all.”

“You do?”

There’s another pause, one that’s filled with unsaid words from both of them. Then Kevin grins and nods. “Yeah. You’re my friend after all.”

* * *

“We talked a bit more about everything,” Daniel says, and Kara nods. “It’s obvious that we, well, Kevin isn’t lying to my face- really. But I just can’t get that thought away… I hate it, fuck.”

“Well, let’s break that down,” Kara says, and he nods. “Why do you think he hates you in the first place?”

“I- I’m an inconvenience to him, right? I didn’t do anything, I didn’t- It’s just the same thing over and over again, you know,” Daniel chuckles weakly...at himself maybe? Or just the situation itself. “It’s all him helping me- If he does hate me, I guess I kind of deserve it.”

She nods, and maybe she’s waiting for him to continue but there’s nothing left to say. That’s...that’s just that on the situation, really. Daniel shrugs, leaning back on the couch and sighs. “I’m just being stupid here, really, god-”

“When you say you talked a bit more about everything, did this come up?”

“No, I don’t want him to worry. Like, he already said he gives a fuck about me, and that’s- he has already cared so much. Bringing this up would just, well- I don’t know...”

“He worries about you already, from what I can tell. A friend wouldn’t stick around that long for nothing, after all.”

“Well, makes him more worry then.”

“Alright, say you’re in his position,” Kara says. “If your...well, you know you really good friend is feeling like this, what would you do?”

Well, the answer is rather obvious. “Help them through it, ‘course.”

“And why do you think Kevin wouldn’t do that for you? You are friends, after all, close ones at that. I can tell you like him a lot and it sounds like you have something very special together.”

Out of all the parts in that sentence that his mind chooses to focus on, it’s the last sentence, and he pauses. “Do we?”

“You helped each other through the zombie apocalypse, and you help each other now. Kevin’s the one that encourages you to go here, right? He cares, worries about you, and you in return care for him. Friendship is a two-way street, Daniel.”

“So it is,” He shrugs again, downing the rest of the water in one go. This time the water doesn’t help with the sudden dryness in his throat, and he coughs. “I- I get what you’re trying to say, really. Treat yourself how you treat others and all that, right?”

Kara smiles. “Maybe, do you think it would work?”

“Maybe,” He echoes, and Kara’s smiles widen. He smiles back, just a bit. Be kind to yourself - if he can’t do anything else, the least he can do is to try that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kevin: I want to be with you...no homo tho bro  
> Dan: lol
> 
> The labelling thoughts stuff and practising mindfulness is an actual therapy thing, as a note there too. The labelling doesn't work that well for me, but trying to stay in the precense is surprisingly hard and also surprisingly helps a lot. As usual, this chapter is another call out for me.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for all the support! You guys are amazing, and here's some more therapy and soothing and all around emotion writing that I'm rather bad at. I rushed this chapter a bit because I have a lot of things to do this week and then start up a few new wips, so forgive me if this is not as good as usual
> 
> As usual though, see you all next week with something a bit better!


	8. Realisation and Denial

It is definitely a routine, the whole couch thing. Whenever Kevin’s done with his recording, he would drag himself down and slumps against Daniel, pulling out his phone and surfing the internet while he plays with the switch. He would snuggle closer, Kevin would hum in contentment, and George would join them whenever he wants. And it’s not much, Kevin spending his time with him, but it still sets something off in him.

So when tonight Kevin doesn’t go down, he’s on edge. Which is stupid, Kevin can do whatever the fuck he wants in his free time, he doesn’t have to use all of it next to Daniel, he’s just being clingy right now. He might just be tired from the video today and decides to go straight to bed, or something along that line.

It’s ok. 

George makes a complaining sound, and Daniel blinks. Ah- He lightens his grip on George, and his cat jumps down to the ground quickly, giving him a look before licking his own paw. 

“Sorry,” He mutters, and Georges doesn’t spare him another glance. “I- I think I’ll just go check on him, probably. Is that too much?”

His cat has no answer, and he sighs. “Yeah, well I'll see you later I guess.”

He forces himself back upon his feet, taking a moment to just stand there and getting used to the sudden shift. Maybe he really just needs some sleep now, god. Daniel sighs, waking up to his room but not quite- Kevin’s door is closed, and he stares at the doorknob. He’s being too clingy, definitely being too clingy. Kevin’s only tired, there’s no way he’s suddenly gone or something like that. He’s overthinking because of course, he is. 

4, 7, 8, breath in and hold and out. 

Daniel groans softly, looking at the door one last time before hurried off to his own room for real this time. He leaves the door a tad open, just in case George decides to walk in tonight and collapses on the bed. His reflection in the monitor looks at him, and Daniel half wants to cover it up with a duvet or something, but he’s already too tired to get up again. So he just turns away, facing the window instead and slips off.

* * *

“Morning,” Kevin says, leaning over the couch and Daniel glances up. 

“You look terrible,” The words slip out before he even knows, and Daniel winces. But Kevin just laughs, shrugging helplessly. In his defence, Kevin does look kind of terrible: his hair is more of a mess than usual, there are bags under his eyes that weren't there from yesterday and he just has that vibe. 

“Yeah, I’m a bit tired,” He finally says when he has calmed down, and Daniel hums. “Did not get enough caffeine yesterday I think.”

“Is there ever anything as enough caffeine?” He fires back, and Kevin nods sleepily. “There are still some in the pot, I think. If that’s of any help.”

He hears Kevin shuffling out of the room, and minutes later comes back with a cup of coffee, and Daniel watches as he chugs the whole cup in one go. That’s… also probably not healthy… “What’s up with you?”

“Didn’t get enough sleep, that’s what’s up,” Kevin answers, sitting down next to him and leaning on his shoulder, making himself comfortable. He shifts slightly before settling down too, relaxing almost instantly the moment Kevin uses him as a pillow. He doesn’t even realise he was that tense before, but now both of them are just melting into the couch. “Wake me up in like, an hour or something yeah?”

He absently nods, rubbing Kevin’s shoulder with one hand while scrolling through his phone with the other. About 10 minutes or something, Kevin stops moving around so much, and his breathing even out. Another 5 minutes, and Kevin’s latching on him, his long hand's thrown around his neck and pulling him a bit closer in. The pose is a bit awkward, to him at least, but Daniel couldn’t care less right now. Kevin mumbles something, muffled from where he’s leaning on Daniel, and he chuckles. 

He usually falls asleep first, or at least he doesn’t get to see this much. It’s rather cute in a way, Daniel notes, snapping a quick picture. That’s never going to get deleted.

* * *

“I don’t think this whole thing is...I guess... it’s working,” He starts, and Kara looks up. There are questions in her eyes, and Daniel swallows. “Not that it isn’t great to let things out- but I don’t know. It’s…”

“You’re feeling like this isn’t helping?” She asks, and he shrugs. It’s not a yes or a no, it’s just a shrug. “How so?”

“It’s been a month, and I don’t think I’ve made any progress whatsoever, really. We’ve been talking about this and that, but like- I don’t know, ok?”

“You’re feeling frustrated with yourself for not moving on fast enough then,” Kara says, and that’s a bullseye right there. “What were you expecting?”

“That I can...can be functional again, I guess that’s the word. I still can’t do anything, a month has never felt that long- And I’m just feeling so tired already. Done with this whole mess, that’s a good way to describe it.”

He clicks the lego pieces together, the sound they made has never been this loud before. It cuts through the silence he left behind, and Daniel winces. “Sorry-”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“I- I’m wasting both of our time? I know you have more important things to get back to, and here I am,” He chuckles weakly at himself more than anything, cutting it off quickly when Kara gives him a look. Right, be nice. “But like, I’m not wrong, am I?”

Kara sighs, putting her clipboard down. He can see her writing and a few doodles on the margin of the paper, and then there’s his name on top in bold letters. Part of him wants to read through them, just to know how he is through Kara’s eyes, while another part of him doesn’t… What if the thing on there- Jesus fuck. He leans back, looking up at the beige ceiling and focusing on nothing.

“Daniel, other people can have it worse than you, but that doesn’t mean that your situation isn’t bad. You wouldn’t tell someone with skin cancer not to go to the doctor because there are people out there with brain cancer. Plus, here’s no way to know how your suffering compares to everyone else’s suffering so it’s not something worth worrying about because you’ll never get an answer.”

“I know.”

“And so it’s less about wasting time, and more about?”

It’s an open-ended question, a prompt from Kara that makes him wince. He looks back at her, and there's just patient understanding there that looks back, and he grits his teeth. Why does she have to be so nice, why couldn’t she just agree with him- “About what?”

“I don’t know, this is about you after all,” Kara replies. “What are you avoiding?”

“I- I’m not sure myself, really…” He trails off, groaning. His hair must be looking like a mess with how much he’s threading his hand through them, half-resisting the urge to tug on them out of frustration, or maybe something else. Kevin would know what to do with that, he’s sure, but Kevin’s not here. Kevin’s back home, recording or making the thumbnail for today’s video, and just- “I don’t want him to leave.”

“You don’t want him to leave?”

“No, I don’t- but at the same time I want him to be proud of me, and fuck- Holy fuck-” He chuckles, and then laughs, curling onto himself on the couch- Kara’s probably still watching him, or maybe she has looked away because really- who would even want to look at him, and the next laugh comes out wet and fuck fuck fuck-

Kevin, oh god damn- Kevin’s saying something, his voice is nice and comforting and Kevin’s only staying here out of pity, isn’t he? 

Of course, he is, what else? God, he’s so fucking dumb- Kevin will be out the moment Daniel isn’t holding him back anymore, that’s it. 

“Daniel.”

He comes back, it’s so bright, and Kara’s in front of him, not touching but she’s there. She’s real, she’s here with him, they’re in therapy.

“Daniel,” she says again, is saying and she’s taking slow and deep breaths, obviously loud for him to follow and he tries his best to- 4,7,8, get a fucking grip, he can do that. “You’re here with me, you’re alright, breath.”

His cheeks are wet, he’s crying, and he’s in therapy. Daniel moves his hand up to wipe away the tears, but they keep coming and he feels so fucking exhausted and he’s here. He’s- He’s in therapy with Kara, it’s-

“Ok, it’s ok,” He says with a watery attempt of a smile, and Kara gives him a doubtful look. If he’s a bit more cohesive, he would even laugh at the expression, but now- “I-”

“Take a couple of minutes Daniel, we have time,” She assures him, and he closes his mouth with an audible click. “Do you want something to drink?”

He nods, and Kara passes him the cup. The water’s colder, most of the ice has melted down and he drinks it slowly, then faster. It has always helped with getting his thoughts together, and now it feels exceptionally better as the cold liquid flows through him, cold enough to monopolise his attention and Daniel blinks. 

“Are you alright now?” 

He thinks about lying, but he’s too done and tired to actually do that anymore, and- “Not really, no.”

“That’s alright, just focus on your breathing now.”

She guides him through that exercise again, and Daniel hates that he needs it but he dutifully describes what he can feel anyway.

“I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, god-” He chokes out, his voice still comes out hoarse and raw and unpleasant on the throat. “Well, I do, but, you know…”

“Is it alright if we talk about that?”

“It’s dumb, god- It’s just…Kevin’s going to fuck off when he thinks I’m ok again, isn’t he? This whole thing is a big fucking pity party, he will go when he doesn’t feel guilty for leaving me alone, and I feel terrible because I don’t want him to leave and I hate that I feel like that,” He’s aware he’s rambling, that’s there’s no point in his talking, but fuck. “He really doesn’t owe me shit- and just- I hate that I want it to be like this because Kevin’s with me and I also want to make him proud with my progress but at the same time-”

“Daniel,” Kara says, cutting him off and his eyes flicker up to meet her. She’s not quite looking at him, and he follows her sight down to where he’s...Ah. He stops his nails from digging into the skin, angry red marks glaring back as his fingers left. 

“Sorry. It’s just, I don’t realise- It’s just a lot.”

“It is,” She says, and pauses. Her pen is twirling to and fro, and now he wishes Kara’s still looking at his hand because she's just- looking directly at him and her gaze has never felt this heavy. “Daniel, do you think you have an unhealthy attachment to Kevin?”

“What?”

“An unhealthy attachment to Kevin,” Kara repeats, though she really doesn’t need to when the phrase is already replaying in his mind. 

An unhealthy attachment. 

An unhealthy attachment to Kevin. 

Him, having an unhealthy attachment to Kevin. No way, right? 

It isn’t until Kara says “From what I can tell, yes.” that he realises he has said that aloud. “Why don’t you tell me more about Kevin, Daniel.”

“Like what?”

“Anything you think I should know about.”

Daniel shrugs, picking up another piece of lego just so he doesn’t break through his own skin with his fingers. “Where would I even start? I guess, um, some background info I suppose? We were internet friends before this whole thing, and I admire his stuff a lot. And then the apocalypse happened, and well, you know what happened during that.”

“I know the basics of what happened, yes. But why don’t you tell me more anyway?”

“More?”

This time Kara shrugs, sending him an encouraging smile that melts away some of the tension in his shoulders. “How was it, living with Kevin?”

“Amazing,” The word slips out before he even knows, and Daniel lets himself smile too. “He was, honestly, a joy to have around. It was really nice, really, waking up to someone that I can actually talk to, and play and joke with, and share stuff too. It’s, yeah, amazing.”

“What else?”

“It’s… it’s a constant. He was- is like an anchor, I guess, and he’s here with me through the whole thing. And...God, and I don’t want to leave him-”

“He’s a point of stability and security during one of the toughest moments in your life, it makes sense for you to want to be with him. He was and still is all you have after all.”

“During the apocalypse, sure, but certainly not now. I still call my parents and brother on a daily basis, I still chat with my friends-” He protests, but even that sounds weak to his own ears. “I, I don’t have an unhealthy attachment to Kevin.”

“Kevin’s safe, or at least for you, he’s safe. He gets what you’ve gone through, he sticks around and helps you through this all, and he’s your comfort zone. It is, again, understandable.” 

“I-” 

This time, Kara doesn’t add in anything else, and he closes his own mouth when he’s sure he doesn’t have anything to say either. What’s the point anyway, when he knows Kara’s right. Kevin is safe and he’s dreaded to not have Kevin with him and besides him. What happened when Kevin didn’t come down for one night flashes in his mind, and “Oh….oh no.”

“Let’s try this again, shall we? Why don’t you tell me more about Kevin?”

Kevin who helped him through the apocalypse, his bat in hand that he later gave Daniel. Kevin who was there with him, assembling a lego city set as they chatted through the night. Kevin who pulled him closer during the New Year and hugged him on the worn couch, letting him cry on his shoulder night laters and then more.

“I-I’m afraid to be apart from Kevin for too long.”

* * *

“How was today’s session?” Kevin asks, and he looks up. His friend is in a comfortable sweater, rumbled from how he’s leaning on Daniel’s chest and trying to fold the rest of his body on the couch. “You seem quieter today.”

“Lots of things to think about, I guess,” He replies, chewing on his lips at Kevin’s questioning look. It’s like Kevin’s looking right through him, knowing that he’s hiding something and Daniel feels like shit. It’s a thing that’s directly related to Kevin, he shouldn’t hide this. “She told me something today.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” He shrugs. “Something about you, or well, you and me I guess. Us.”

“I don’t know you guys talk about me.”

“Sometimes- Your name popped up every now and then, really,” He says, and pauses. How should he even start this, Daniel doesn’t know. “Kara mentioned something, and I think I agree with her.”

“Is it something about us then?” Kevin clarifies, and Daniel nods. “Is it...bad?”

“I guess? It’s more on me than it’s on you- really, I swear. Just, fuck-” He hesitates, the words stuck in his throat and Daniel coughs. “I- She said I have a rather...unhealthy attachment to you, and I- Yeah, I agree with her. Which- it’s just-”

Kevin’s attention is all on him now, and his blue eyes are intense. He almost cowers under the gaze, but it’s still Kevin, and Kevin wouldn’t hurt him, he knows this. “Unhealthy attachment?” He echoes the word, slowly, testing in on his tongue and Daniel nods. “How so?”

“I, well, I can’t be far away from you without feeling like shit, for starter-” He starts, and when somehow got that out, the rest follows easily like a dam has been broken. “I don’t want to be away from you, all I can think of sometimes is are you still here, and are you still alive, and I can’t deal with anything when- Just, fuck. Yesterday when you’re tired and don’t go down I just- I spiralled down so hard, and it sucks and so bad, and I can’t-”

“Dan,” Kevin says, and he stops talking. Kevin’s holding his hand, and the contact pulls him back, and he takes a deep breath in and out. “Calm down, ok?”

“Yeah, ok-” He chokes out, and Kevin gives him a small smile. “I got it bad for you, ok? I’m pretty much just, fucking obsessed with your well beings and you being here, and I hate it when you’re not with me to the point where it’s...unhealthy, I guess. Very unhealthy.”

“And?”

“What do you mean and?”

“It’s understandable, yes? We- you’re still reeling from the apocalypse, that’s just normal concern. It’s ok, right?” Kevin continues, and there’s something strain in his voice and his smile and his grips are getting harder- Daniel winces. “You’re overreacting.”

“Kevin, no- I’m not. It’s actually really bad, ok?” He fires back. “I can’t fucking function without knowing that you’re safe, and half of the time I can’t even convince myself that you’re safe, it’s obvious that this is going down a bad path.”

“Is it? Dan, listen to what you’re saying-” 

“Kevin, no- Look, it’s bad and both you and I know it-” He shouts, and Kevin reers back like he just got slapped in the face. Daniel might as well have, with the shocked expression on Kevin’s face mixed with pain. “Shit-”

“I see how it is, huh?” Kevin chuckles, standing up and moving away from Daniel. Why does that hurt so much- “You know what, fine! If you want to call that an unhealthy attachment, then sure- Whatever!”

“Kevin, the fuck are you on?”

“Oh, I don’t know, why don’t you tell me? You’re the one who knows about this after all,” He hisses out, “Yeah, just call what I have for you is fecking unhealthy, Jesus christ- You think I don’t want to stop feeling like that too? You think I want to- just, focus all day and all night about everything and nothing, about some dumb fucking scenarios that will not come to pass, and about you? Feck off-”

“Kev-”

“No, you know what? I- I’m not doing this now,” Kevin says, and he watches as Kevin marches to the door, grabbing his jacket on the way and swinging it on haphazardly. “I’ll see you, tomorrow or whatever.”

Before he can even say anything, the door slam shut and he’s alone in the house. Daniel looks down at his hands, and the red imprintings where Kevin’s hands were stare back up at him, aching. He wipes the hot tear off, but they just keep flowing out and he half expects Kara’s voice to help him through, or even Kevin, but there’s no one. Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not even a mess and a half, it's two whole messes that you just have to suffer through and I'm sorry- This was written in such a rush, and we're ignoring the fact that this is uploaded on Sunday, alright? Alright.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for dragging yourself through 3k of my fuckery, and I hope you like this chapter. It stumped me a lot, writing this whole thing and it's just- where do I even start with this topic, you know? Glad that I finished this chapter tho
> 
> And thank you for all the support- I will reply to the comments, I swear, this week has just been rly busy lol. See you (hopefully) next Saturday with, according to the plan, a Kev chapter


	9. Chapter 9

The beer is warm against his hand, and Kevin swirls what’s left of it another time before finishing his third for the night. He gestures for a refill, and the bartender shoots him a look but complies, filling his glass up with whatever’s on tap that he had in the first place. He’s not sure himself, too tired to notice or too worked up to care about what’s getting him drunk.

No, not drunk, just...relaxed. Not so tense so that he can deal with this, this whatever the fuck happened an hour ago. Was it an hour? He pulls out his phone, and yeah, nearly an hour has passed and Kevin groans. He turns it off and then on again, but there’s no new notification or whatever from Daniel. Of course, what was he expecting really?

An unhealthy attachment, fecking hell. He takes another swig, wiping the foam away from his lips and letting the cold alcohol rushes down and his mind getting a bit lighter. Daniel’s voice still echoes anyway, reminding him of the damn phrase and the explanation that attaches to it. Huh.

Kevin chuckles weakly and another sip. 

He’s not dumb by any mean, despite how much he jokes about it in videos. He knows what it means, without Daniel laying his heart out about how he- shit, he can’t function without Kevin, Jesus fecking christ. 

He’s also not good at lying to himself, though the last month begs to differ. Oh, he knows how he’s doing, watching Daniel likes a hawk whenever he can while still trying to keep his distance, and working on videos and editing helps with that a lot. He can lose himself in whatever old game he picks for the day for an hour or so, and then some more hours pouring into editing and thumbnailing and thinking up a title. Both of his editors have said they need some time off, and he doesn’t mind it at all. It’s just more material, more work for him to distract himself. 

On second thought, working on YouTube is a much better distraction than drinking. 

Is he even trying to distract himself here? 

Kevin sighs, looking at the glass again. It’s half-empty already, but the conversation is still there- words for words replaying in his head, and Kevin hates it.

(Hates how Daniel managed to call him out like that, maybe. Hates how the truth was presented to him right there and then, and it’s like looking in a cracked mirror. Hates what stares back. Maybe.)

He finishes the drink, throws the note on the table and walks out. Drinking isn’t doing the job tonight.

His walk is aimless for the most part, and Kevin lets himself walk and sways and staggers on the street, going from A to Z and avoiding the route home as best as he can. He stops at a park near them in the end, maybe a 20 minutes walk away from their home, and yeah, that would do. It’s not too far, but not too close either. 

It is quiet though, quiet enough for his thoughts to go wild. Unhealthy attachment, god- He has an attachment to Daniel, sure, one that’s a bit more...just, more compared to his normal friendships with others. But unhealthy? What even counts as unhealthy?

Him staring at Daniel 24/7 probably counts. 

Him trying to keep Daniel safe, and sane and happy, comforting him and caring for him and being dependable and reliable and being a good friend? Not so sure there.

Him wanting to protect Daniel, is that unhealthy? He’s helping, isn’t he? Or at least he’s trying, but certainly not trying hard enough- god, he’s the dick here right now. Great fecking job, Kevin. 

Kevin chuckles weakly. If he can’t even protect Daniel then what’s the fecking point anyway? Now if he could, god everything would have been so much easier. He was doing so well too, he was being good- he was worth Daniel’s time.

Was.

Why is everything a battle? Why doesn’t Daniel just- or maybe, just maybe: why isn’t he better? He’s trying, he doesn’t want to live like this- Kevin takes a breath, in and out, vaguely remembers what Daniel has said about this whole breathing exercise and trying to follow.

(No, not vaguely- he has done that enough time for it to be a reflex now, and god, that’s so fecking pathetic.)

He doesn’t want to hurt Daniel, he has already been dealing with so much shit already, he can’t just leave. Or maybe that’s an excuse too, maybe he just doesn’t want to leave. 

“Jesus Christ,” he whispers, and the slight rustle of leaves is the only answer. Kevin sighs, sitting down on a nearby bench, leaning back and forcing himself to relax to no fecking avail. And he doesn’t realise he has gotten his phone out again, Daniel’s contact showing on the screen, daring him to press call. He should go back, or maybe he shouldn’t.

He’s hurting Daniel by just being there, isn’t he? Or is it the other way around?

Well, he’s hurting Daniel by drawing it out, and with another sigh, Kevin presses down and waits. He doesn’t have to wait for long, Daniel picks up right after the first ring and Kevin refuses to admit that he’s relieved to hear Daniel’s voice again, wet it might be. He has been crying, and Kevin feels another pang of guilt stabbing his heart.

“Kevin- shit, thank god! Where are you?” Daniel starts first, and he moves the phone a bit away from his ear, wincing at the sudden change of sound. He can still hear the echo of Daniel’s worried rant, and usually, it’s nothing he can’t deal with. He can recall every time Daniel has a breakdown, knows every way to comfort him but now- Fuck.

“Kevin? Kevin, are you still there?”

He takes another breath in and then brings the phone closer again. “Yeah, sorry.” He apologies, for not listening, for running away, for yelling and blowing up- “I’m here.”

Daniel lets out a relieved sigh, and Kevin can practically see how his shoulders stop tensing and his grip on the phone lessens. It’s easy to imagine Daniel, probably still on the couch and calms down at his voice, maybe because that has happened before. Different circumstances, but it’s still more or less the same. “That’s, uh, good to know-”

“It is,” He agrees, and pauses. Daniel doesn’t say anything more yet, and for once the silence is uncomfortable and his hand twitches. “How are you?”

“Not so great, to be honest...” Daniel replies with only one wrecking sob cuts him off mid-sentence. “Yeah...I’m sorry too.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” He says back, automatically. For once he means it, if only because Kevin knows when he’s being a dick and it’s one of those times again. But feck it all, he’s trying, and Daniel- Daniel’s also trying- and he must be doing something wrong, right? He must be doing something wrong because the change is not happening at all or not happening fast enough, and he can’t do this right now- not when Daniel needs him so Kevin grits his teeth and stuff that mess away to deal with a later time. “I- Um, feck- This is not a conversation to have over the phone.”

“You tell me.”

“I- I’ll be back soon- Just stay there, alright?” 

He has a feeling that Daniel nods, before remembering that Kevin’s not actually there because it takes him a longer than usual time to answer, but he does speak up after a long silence. “Do you mind staying on the phone?”

“No, it’s fine. Do you want me to keep talking?”

“Uh- If it isn’t too much of a bother, yeah.”

“Cool,” He says, standing up properly and stretches. The phone’s held more loosely in his hand now, and he starts walking back and letting himself ramble without a second thought. 

Well no, not without a second thought. Every time he says something, those self-deprecating, self-blaming and hell, blaming in general and anger thoughts log in his throat, and he has to take a moment to swallow them down before switching his attention to the newest games or movies coming out. That’s the last thing Daniel needs right now. 

“Yeah, the new Animal Crossing will be amazing,” Kevin continues, and Daniel hums positively. “We did like, steal another switch or something from the apocalypse, right?”

“We did yeah, that was fun.”

“Well, good for us what’s with the thing that you can only have one save file per switch. Jesus christ- wait, do you hear that?” Dumb question, of course, Daniel doesn’t. He’s not here right now, but Kevin could have sworn- “Uh, ok, gimme a moment.”

“Kevin?”

“I, ok, do you mind me putting you on mute for a bit?” He asks, not waiting for a reply and does it anyway. And then there’s a rustle again, sounding like it’s coming from the lake of all places, and Kevin pauses. Well, it looks more like a bog at the rate it’s going, ferns and grasses floating up to the surface.

Huh…

He picks up a rock nearby, testing its weight in his hand before flinging it in. It unintentionally skips three times before going down, but there’s still that rustling but not quite. Groaning, he corrects himself. 

Oh god, if it’s what Kevin thinks it is, he’s gonna- He’s not sure, but his breathing is getting a bit faster, his heart slamming in his chest and the familiar tingling sensation in his hand act up again. There’s nothing to hold on, or to grip when he closed his hand though, just nails digging into his palm. “Shit- Hello?”

Should he call someone? He- probably should, right? There has been more PSA and warning on TVs on how to deal with this, and his phone is right there, dialling the emergency contact would take less than a second. 

Or is he just being paranoid? 

Feck.

Either or really, Daniel’s still on hold, and he puts him off mute only to be greeted with Daniel’s talking fast, the word barely coherent but he has had enough practice to figure it out. “Kevin please jesus christ what are you doing Kevin, oh god I swear to god if you’re being a dumbass and got yourself jumped or something, god-”

“No, not jumped. I think there might be a zombie here actually,” He says, and somehow it comes out calmer than anything he has said tonight. “Hard to tell though.”

“A- What the fuck do you mean a zombie?” 

“A zombie,” He repeats himself. “You know, undead bastard walking around and wanting to kill us?”

“Kevin- Now is not the time for you to be a smartass- what are you doing there? Why are you still there?” Daniel fires back, and he winces at the harsh tone. “Get out of there then-”

Oh, he does want to, but his feet are not quite moving. There’s nothing for him to hold on right now, nothing to actually fight with, but god- “I wonder though, how many of them are still around. I would have thought they'd all decay by now, you know?”

“Who cares, Kevin- just go back- Kevin!” 

“Say, if I go and check, and if something happens to me- uh, try not to miss my ass. Would be a bit hard, really, with the whole unhealthy attachment thing, but eh-”

“Kevin, what are you even talking about now?”

“Well, unhealthy attachment and what not so if I’m out of the picture, it will help with your progress, right?” He chuckles, and the groaning gets louder, almost like it knows he’s here and waiting. “I- God, I’m being such a selfish piece of shit right now-”

“Kevin,” Daniel stresses, his tone borderlining on begging and ok, Kevin can see why the therapist gets this whole unhealthy attachment thing from. “We can talk about this more at home, just go back-”

He moves to the lake, just one slow step at a time, and now that he’s near enough to see his reflection looking back, he can also see small bubbles moving toward him. Huh, zombies don’t breathe, right? Or maybe the noise is creating those bubbles. 

Either way. “You know, I’ve never thought about this before-” He starts, crouching down. “This whole, hmmm, dying thing… I don’t think I was afraid during the apocalypse...or maybe I was. Hard to tell, really- but now…”

“Kevin-”

Maybe it’s the drink from before that’s making him rant, or making him do this stupid thing, but he reaches down, his fingers swirling the water around. It’s getting closer. “Maybe I’ll see you around later, Dan. Love you.”

Dan’s saying something else, but well, he exits the call and puts his phone on silence. It’s out of sight, and he focuses back on the lake-bog thing. A weird mix of both, and for some reason he has never noticed it being like that before. It isn’t until something inches to his finger, a soft almost-touch that Kevin jerks back. There aren’t zo- well, there are and he’s not infected, but what if- it happened once, already, and the thought of him being one of them-

Of leaving Daniel behind… 

Well, he still has to leave Daniel at some point, for his own good there despite how much Kevin despite that train of thought. But god- shit, he hasn’t even thought that far. Jesus feck. 

Kevin sighs, standing up and walking away from the place. Someone will find the thing tomorrow, probably, or whatever. He doesn’t fancy taking more on his plate, at least nor right now. Not when he's still a mess- and just-  


The feck is wrong with him today?

Well, the feck is wrong with him in general really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna end it at "Maybe I'll see you around later" but eh, that's a bit too cruel, even for me. Still, that's another fucking mess and a half, a whole ass emotional rollercoaster ft. Kevin's rambling. Well, either way, I'm glad that I got it done (a day late) but still, yeah! Hope you like this!


	10. I love you

The door is surprisingly not locked when Kevin pushes it open, trying to be as quiet as possible. It’s the right move when the first thing he sees is Daniel on the couch, passed out with the lights around him still on. The phone is loosely held in his hand, and oh yeah.

He- yeah, looking back, it does sound like he was going to, and he was actually going to- well, kill himself. Admitting it, even in his head, is harder than he thought, but the truth is there. He did try to kill himself, or at the very least, did nothing to keep living until death’s literally inches away from him. 

Still, he can see what connections Dan has made in his head, and god, he feels even worse now. Nice fecking move, leaving Dan to think he has gone and offed himself. He should have, at the very least, called back or picked up as Dan tried to ring him multiple times throughout his way back, and Kevin winces. It might have been 20 minutes for him, but he can’t even begin to wonder how it was for Dan to deal with this. 

Feck.

Ok, first thing first, get Dan back to his bed. He’s no stranger to passing out on the couch, and by god, it hurts like a bitch in the morning and he doesn’t want Dan to deal with that above the shit they have just gone through. 

Kevin sighs, carefully picking Dan up walking up the stair. His friend barely weights anything, and it’s easy to tuck him in under the blanket. He lingers after that anyway, watching the soft rise and fall of Daniel’s chest as he snuggles deeper into the warmth, shifting every now and then to make himself comfortable. In the end, he forces himself to get a move on back to his room, leaving the door open behind him.

He doesn’t sleep, tossing and turning all night. Or maybe he does pass out every now and then, for a short period of time before everything feels like falling and he desperately gasps for breath all whilst resisting the urge to vomit. It’s too early to get sick anyway, or maybe he just doesn’t want to move from the bed. Hard to tell, with how fucked up everything is right now. 

How he fucked everything up right now, Kevin corrects himself. Daniel won’t be up until at least another few hours, he can let it go for a bit, it’s ok.

Fuck, he hates crying, but it does help with the dragging weights in his chest, just a bit.

When he finally drags himself out of the bed to find something that helps with the headache, Daniel’s still sleeping. Fair enough, really, Kevin feels like he could sleep for a week if his brain actually lets him sleep too. So he let Daniel catch up on some well-deserved rest, trying to be as quiet as possible as he rummages the kitchen, finding something that’s actually edible. 

He sighs, slumping back on the couch after breakfast. Daniel’s still not up, and he has nothing to do other than to wait for...well, for this to be actually dealt with. 

How would he even deal with this? The first thought is to move back to Cork and just- try his best to stay away from Daniel, and Kevin winces. Yep, that- that still pains him to think about, the thought that he’s not here with Dan, besides Dan- 

He can definitely see why this is unhealthy now, god damn it. 

Though in the end, it all boiled down to boundary and such, right? Maybe he doesn’t have to leave Dan, just- they can figure out some alternatives that work better than how everything is now. Not a very high standard considering how everything is now, but he will take what he can get.

...And maybe therapy for him too. He has been putting that off, but for fuck sake, he tries to kill himself yesterday, he definitely needs it no-

“Kevin?!” He hears from behind, and he turns back to see Daniel. He still looks like a mess, and his eyes are red- of course, he has been crying, what was he expecting? He also looks scared out of his mind, and his breath is coming in short gasps, and feck- “No no no- you’re-”

“Still alive,” He cuts Daniel off smoothly, walking over to his friend and tries not to be hurt when Daniel flinches and takes a step back. “I’m here, it’s...” Not ok, but it really isn’t the time to say something like that. 

“No- god, no fucking- this is- I’m dreaming, of course-” Daniel still continues, and the tears are flowing down again, and he hates that look on Daniel’s face. He brings his hand up to wipe the tears away, lingering on Daniel’s cheek before pulling him in closer. Daniel goes rather willingly, or maybe he’s too shocked to put up a fight. “Shit- you’re dead.”

“I’m here,” He repeats. “I got you, Dan. Breathe with me. It’s ok,” He can lie for Daniel, he has lied for Daniel, what’s one more sin?

“This has to be a dream, fuck-” Daniel breathes out, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug that reminds Kevin of that hug in the alleyway when he found Daniel. Desperate, not quite believing, seeking out for something that only Daniel knows. His free hand trails up Daniel’s back, ending around the back of his neck and he should not even be allowed to touch Daniel like this. “What the fuck- This is a fucking cruel joke- shit...You’re alive-”

He hums, nodding and that little confirmation sends another wracking sob through Daniel. “Yeah, I’m here, this is not a dream. I’m fine.”

“No you’re not,” comes the muffled reply, and he chuckles weekly. 

“No, but I’m alive. That oughta counts for something, right?”

“Of course it does, you fuck- god,” Daniel croaks. “I thought you were…”

“I, yeah, I thought so too. Until I didn’t, and well, now I’m here I guess,” He says back and pauses. Then, “I’m sorry.”

“You should be yes, you- don’t ever fucking do that again.” 

“I hopefully won’t, no.”

Another pause and he lets Daniel collect his thoughts. It must be in a fucking shamble right now, waking up to this and, he wouldn’t even know how Daniel would react. He was expecting a lot more anger, Kevin thinks, maybe some lashing out that he definitely deserves, maybe some shouting too. 

It’s both going better and worse than what he imagines. 

And it’s Daniel who speaks up first because of course, it is. Daniel’s so much better at this than him, so much braver and he doesn’t deserve to hear the soft “I love you.” from Daniel’s lips, almost a confession.

“I love you,” Daniel repeats, and then again and again, and the hug got a bit tighter. “I love you so fucking much, shit-”

“Huh- Where does that come from?” He chokes out, and Daniel looks at him with those eyes that are still wet but there’s also this weird passion behind them that he doesn’t know how to deal with- Never have to deal with before. It makes his heart flutter but also at the same time makes him want to vomit- 

“I just, I realised I didn’t say it enough and if you did-” He trailed off. “It makes me realise some things I guess, about like, just- life’s fleeting and...If you did, you wouldn’t know that I love you.”

“I love you too,” He confines, and the words flow out so naturally, almost like he was meant to say it to Daniel. Which he did, right before- “I love you too much, Daniel Condren.”

Too much, not enough, hard to tell. 

He hates this overwhelming feeling that flares up, even more so when Daniel suddenly pulls him down for a kiss against his lips, and then another. And another, and he kisses back because shit- he does love Daniel, so much that it hurts. Each kiss only feels worse, burning him inside out, and he doesn’t stop. 

When they separate, Daniel’s face is red and not just from the crying - though the tears are still flowing down, and his hair looks so much messier and his pupils are blown wide. His breathing is more on the breathless side now, not hyper fixation, and Kevin has a feeling he’s in the same state right now. 

He almost wants to dive in for another, to get another taste of the intoxicating drug that’s Daniel, but doesn’t. 

He shouldn’t.

This is complicated enough without...without this, this new tangled mess of emotion that can never turn out good with how everything is going. He, this will only hurt them more, won’t it? 

Maybe in a different world, a different time where it didn’t get so fucking bad, it could have worked out. So he doesn’t lean down again when Daniel does, and his hands move up to grip Daniel’s shoulders and hold him back, to keep him there. It’s only an armlength away, but it hurts more than Kevin’s ever thought it could.

“We need to talk,” He says. 

“No shit Kevin, no shit.”

* * *

“So, right...codependency and shit,” He starts and Daniel winces but he stays where he sits, and that’s already so much better than how he dealt with this. “I- well, before that… I’m sorry. For everything, but like, especially for- well…”

He doesn’t have to finish the sentence, Daniel has already known what he’s saying anyway. “Yeah.”

“I honestly don’t know how to make up for that, or if it can be made up, but...just, I was such a dick. Feck.”

“You were.”

He chuckles weakly. “I know. I really wasn’t thinking straight, or thinking at all. It was… a lot. Still is.”

“God knows I didn’t deal with it better when Kara told me,” Daniel says, and pauses. “I...I’m sorry too, I guess. About how I just dump all of it on you like that.”

“Daniel,” Kevin starts, and for a moment he wants to reach out and holds Dan’s hand, offering a bit of support. They’re sitting further away on the couch, each at one end, and it- it’s better that way. “Dan, again, you literally have nothing to be sorry about there. I need to know sooner or later, and sooner is better. To be honest, I would...yeah, I would have probably blown up anyway no matter how you phrase it.”

Daniel shrugs, fidgeting with his own hand. “Probably...From what I can tell, you’re- you’re like that too, right?”

“That as in having an unhealthy attachment to you?” Daniel nods, and yeah, he might as well said it now. “Definitely.”

“Fuck,” Daniel says, and that about sums it up. Fuck indeed. “God, why are we like this- I just want...I just want us to be a bit better…”

And now it’s the way that Daniel says us, a bit wistful, a bit sad that fucking makes his heart breaks. “Us, huh?” He echoes, knowing full well there won’t be an us anytime soon. It will be something he looks back, some part fondly and others not so much, but the concept of an us- god… 

What they could have been…

“Yeah, us. You and me, whatever you want to call it,” Daniel continues, and he focuses on the topic at hand again. Now is not the time to get lost in some silly fantasy. “It's never going to work out, is it?

“No,” He agrees, and it’s Daniel that laughs first this time. 

“Yeah, I- That’s rather obvious now.”

“So it is. Doesn’t mean I have to like it any better,” He says, and Daniel nods. “Still, I’m thinking of moving back to Cork. Me being here just makes shit worse, you know?” 

Daniel opens his mouth, before snapping it close again and shrugs. “Not really...You...You do help me a lot.” 

“Not in any ways that matter, Dan. Your mental health’s fucked, mine too, this is- ugh, feck...this is not a good place for both of us. And it’s your place, so it makes sense that I- I actually get back to my own space and work shit out.”

“I know. Doesn't mean I have to like it any better,” Daniel repeats his words and pauses. “Can I kiss you again?”

“You know it won’t work out.”

“I know. That’s not a no though,” Daniel points out, and no, it’s not. “Something to remember you by, I guess.”

“That goes again what you’re trying to do in the first place,” Kevin sighs. “This will just be you torturing yourself more, Dan. Believe me.”

“Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

“I’m trying to help both of us,” He shots back despite how much he wants to say yes because it will just hurt him more in the long run. He doesn’t think he can wipe the last kiss from his mind, but there’s a small chance whereas this- this will stay, and he knows he has to move on, and- “I’m gonna go pack, I think. Not like I have much here anyway.”

“Let me help then.”

He shrugs, walking up to his room. Daniel’s footsteps echo after him, keeping a distance. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's that for a chapter? 
> 
> In all seriousness though, I hope you like it! It's a bit rushed, I'll admit that, but hey! I did actually get this out on Saturday, so gg me :D And as always, thank you sm for all the support! Even though I haven't replied to comments, know that I read and love every one of them! See you (hopefully) next Sat friend! <3!


	11. ...And I'll follow you into the dark

1\. Discuss Boundaries

* * *

“You sure?” Kevin asks, and his voice sounds desperate. He’s trying to hide it, Daniel can tell, and if he doesn’t know Kevin so god damn well he might have not noticed the tone. 

“Yeah...I don’t think, well, facetime or just voice call in general really...I have a feeling I will get addicted to your voice too,” He says, and Kevin makes an understanding noise. “At least, not yet. I...I don’t want to just cut everything we have, you know?”

“Yeah, I’m just worried, I think.”

“I’ll be ok without you here,” He says, and winces the moment the words leave his lips. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah. So, no phone call then?” Kevin asks, and he nods. “What about just DMs?”

“Not too regularly, or at least like, not so...obsessively,” Daniel answers. “Please don’t fall into a routine either, I don’t think I can deal with that?”

“How so?”

“I would just be waiting for your text messages at, I don’t know, 8 or something like a dog waiting for its owner. And god, that’s the last thing I want to do.”

“Fair enough,” Kevin shrugs. “So...I guess this is it, huh?”

“Don’t say it like you’re about to die or something, Jesus Christ,” He chuckles, and the joke falls flat. He takes a deep breath, in and out, and shit- He thought he would be ready for Kevin leaving, but god- He swears under his breath and nods again. “It is.”

“I, yeah, I should be going. Doesn’t want to keep my sister waiting-” Kevin says, glancing at the car. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” He agrees. Kevin looks hesitant for a moment, before pulling him into a hug, and god- He will miss this feeling of warmth and safety that he has been associating with Kevin for so damn long. “Take care, man.”

“You too,” Kevin whispers. “Love you.”

Daniel sighs softly. “Amy’s waiting.”

“She can wait for another few minutes.” 

* * *

2\. Make room for personal time with friends

* * *

Kevin toys with the phone in his hand, tapping on random apps and then exiting them again. His work for the day, far as he’s concerned, is done, and he doesn’t really feel like going out for a drink or whatever. It’s late enough that he probably shouldn’t anyway too, and fecking hell…

His thumb hovers over Daniel’s contact before he pulls himself back and exits Whatsapp. Come on, he- he can do this. It’s not even day 2 since he got back, and he has already missed the solid weight of Daniel’s leaning on him, miss the company that comes with Daniel. 

Feck.

Come on, there has to be something here that can take his mind off Dan- How the feck is it possible for a single human being to always be the thing immediately in the back of his mind all day, in every single thing he does?

Feck feck feck.

He’s about to toss the phone away and just go back to his computer and go through his drafted video when it rings, and he answers with a relieved sigh. “Hey, Liam.”

“Hey, Kev! How’re you doing?” 

“Good good,” He answers. “I- Oh sh-sugar, I forgot to tell you. I just got back to my place!”

“Back at Cork?”

“Uh yeah, I’m still unpacking, but I’m back baby,” He chuckles, and Liam laughs. “But yeah, how’re you doing?”

“Great, to be honest,” Liam answers. “Was just calling to check in a bit, but now that you’re here- Are you free tonight?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Me and the boys are thinking about crashing at Henry’s, but now that you’re here too-” Liam starts, and oh boy, Kevin can already see where this is going. 

“Oh, that depends, do you have the costumes?” He asks through his own laughter, and Liam makes an offended noise followed by an “Of course, who do you think we are?”

“Gimme 10, I need to get dressed,” Kevin says, and Liam bids him goodbye before ending the call. There’s still a soft smile on his face as he digs through his closet, putting on something decent before running out of the house. The night air feels better than he thought it ever could, and just for the hell of it, he takes a deep breath, in and out. 

It is late, the stars are twinkling up, Dan would probably love this sight- 

Dan’s not here.

“Feck,” He says again, shaking his head as if that will help. “Ok, you can do this- it’s Liam and Henry and James and- It’s ok.”

It’s ok. He- he doesn’t have to think about Daniel 24/7 anymore- it’s...it’s fine. It will be a nice night out with his friends, they will share a drink and do terrible karaoke and fecks around, and it will be nice. It will be nice. 

He lets out another nervous chuckle, before forcing himself to get a move on. They’re probably waiting for him already, and he’s not one to keep people waiting.

* * *

3\. wait-1...uh-

1.5? Give in because you miss him so much it hurts

* * *

It’s 11:30, and usually, they’re chilling on the couch. 

It’s 11:30, and Kevin is usually here. 

It’s 11:30, and usually, he’s leaning on Kevin, enjoying the fact that Kevin is here next to him, and that it’s real.

It’s 11:31, and Daniel’s alone. He grits his teeth, trying his best to stop himself from thinking about Kevin. They have a thing going on, it’s- it’s one that he suggested first even. The phone looks so tempting, laying innocently there on the table in front of him. 

He curses himself once, twice, before leaning over and snatches it up. Kevin’s face greets him when he turns it open, and right- he has forgotten that he has Kevin as his lock screen. He’s grinning in the picture, his hair catching the sunlight though that barely changes the colour of his iconic J&J sweater, and god- Daniel’s heart skips a beat.

“Fuck,” He whispers, pausing at the lock screen, mesmerised. It’s one of the many pictures he has of Kevin, and he looks good in every single one of them. The seconds turn to minutes, and it isn’t until his phone auto-locks that he blinks.

It’s 11:36, and he wants to die. Not in like, proper die die like what Kevin- well, you know. But he’s being so pathetic right now, it’s the second day. It’s not even over 48 hours of Kevin not being here, and he’s already a mess like this. 

It’s 11:37, and he swipes the phone open and clicks on Whatsapp. 

It’s 11:48 that he clicks on the call option, and the phone rings. It rings for a few seconds, and he prays to God that Kevin won’t pick up but at the same time he wants Kevin to answer so desperately, it hurts. It hurts, so fucking bad, and he doesn’t realise he’s crying until his vision blurs around the edge.

“Daniel?” He hears Kevin through the phone speaker and fuck- 

He ends the call and ignores Kevin calling him back.

* * *

3\. Find other emotional outlets and support than just the one person

* * *

“Who’s that?” He hears Liam asks, and Kevin turns back when it’s clear that Daniel isn’t going to pick up after the 7th call. “Anything wrong?”

“It’s, uh, RT,” He answers, the truth comes tumbling out. Lying is easy, he has lied but to these people, his friends, it’s significantly harder. “I think something’s wrong, but hell if I know. He’s not picking up.”

“Really? Dan?” Liam asks, and he nods. “I saw you guy’s picture during the whole New Year fiasco on Twitter. You've been staying with him?”

“We kinda stumbled on each other like, a few months before that. You know I kinda ditched Cork during that whole thing.”

“And went to Dublin of all places,” Liam continues, and there’s a hint of amusement in his voice that unknowingly makes him relaxed just a bit. “I thought you hate the place?”

“People would be going to the camp thing anyway, and Dublin has a lot of supplies,” He shrugs. “At least I don’t just stay shut in my house, unlike someone.”

“Rude,” Liam chuckles. “I’m going to tell Henry you’re trash-talking him behind his back.”

He shoves Liam’s shoulder, and both of them dissolve into childish laughter. When he catches his breath again, Kevin leans back and takes another swig from the bottle. He has tried not to drink too much, but a bit here and there for his indulgence is probably ok. Plus. he’s with actual people this time, so if he does fuck up- well, it’s nice to have someone around.

“You still haven’t mentioned what’s going on between you and Dan though,” Liam points out, and he sighs. “If it’s uncomfortable or something I can drop it, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” He says. “It’s a long story.”

“We have a whole night.”

“True that, but I don’t want to bring the mood down or anything,” Kevin admits, looking back at Henry and James and Colin on the couch. “We should get back to the guys soon too.”

“We’re your friends Kev,” Liam says like it’s just as simple as that. “It’s fine.”

It’s not fine, but he tells Liam the story anyway.

* * *

4- Wait no, scratch this. That’s preventing codependency, this is recovering from codependency

1\. Recognize that you have a tendency to be drawn into codependent relationships

* * *

After Kevin’s 7th call, because of course he counts it- it’s the only thing he can focus on, Daniel’s phone finally quiets down. He waits for another few minutes just to see if Kevin will give it one last try, but that never comes. 

Of course, what was he expecting?

Fuck.

Daniel sighs, standing up and walking to his bedroom instead. He doesn’t take the phone with him, for obvious reason, and also he’s getting tired. More tired than he has ever felt, his body wearing down and even moving is hard and a fucking chore. When he finally collapses on the cold bed, he lets himself calm down just a bit. Just a bit.

It isn’t working.

Fuck fuck fuck. He curls onto the blanket, trying to enjoy the warmth and not thinking about how it’s nothing compared to Kevin’s hand wrapping around him and fuck. He’s...he is such a mess. 

Daniel grits his teeth, tossing and turning on his too big of a bed. He usually loves the space, how he can freely roll from one side to another and only have to worry about George somehow getting on the bed so quietly that he doesn’t even recognise, and it’s nice. It’s not so nice now.

Speaking of George anyway, his cat is in the bed with him, staring at him with a confused expression on his face. “Oh,” He breathes out, sitting up and Georges dashes over, curling up with him. “Hey there, bud.”

Georges meows at him, leaning up and nuzzling into his neck. He’s purring gently, and Daniel brings a hand up to pet George, scratching behind his ears and the purrs get louder. He can feel it from where George’s leaning on him, sending vibration through his body and god, that out of all things manage to calm him down.

Shit. He follows the breathing exercise that he has been using too many times to be healthy, probably, but it helps him clear his head just a bit and let him think. 

“I can’t keep living like this huh?” He asks...someone. Himself? Maybe. “This is miserable.”

Georges meows, almost in agreement, and Daniel chuckles. “Yeah, I know. You’re so smart, huh?”

“Mrrrr.”

“Yeah, I know that too,” He trails off, and his scratching stops. “It’s never going to work out, not at all. I pity myself for that, I think. Like, maybe if we didn’t meet during the apocalypse, it would have worked out. I have always had like, a celebrity crush on Kevin to be honest. Have I told you that?”

He probably has. He tells George a lot of things, more so than ever during the apocalypse and after. “I...God. I’m a mess. But what’s new, right?”

George looks up and gives him a lick. And then brings his paw up, and if George were a human that would be a playful slap of sort. 

“Yeah, well, it’s bad. I know. It’s not like I want it to be like this.”

Another meow and he sighs again.

“Yeah...I’ll try to get better.”

* * *

2\. Understand that breaking these ingrained patterns is very difficult to do alone

* * *

“Woah,” Henry says when he finishes with a short retelling of everything, and Kevin chuckles. “Jesus dude-”

“Hmm, yeah,” He shrugs, taking another sip of the bottle. “It’s definitely a fucking mess.”

“You don’t say,” James chuckles from where he’s sprawling on the couch, turning over to face Kevin properly. “Not gonna lie, you need major help.”

Oh, Kevin knows what. He knows that all too well, knows that before he and Daniel even started looking into getting a therapist, knows that on New Year and then before that too. 

He also knows why he hasn’t gotten one. It started as denial, like big-time denial, because he was perfectly fine during the apocalypse and perfectly fine after it too. He’s the opposite of Daniel, and it’s rather obvious that Daniel’s not fine, and Daniel needs him to be fine the same way he needs himself to be fine.

That’s a lot of fine for someone who’s the furthest thing from fine right now, he notes.

Still, it started as denial and then he had a breakdown that one time in the comfort of his own room, and Kevin doesn’t remember how long it took for him to get back to reality, to get his bearing back but it felt like forever. Even now, he’s not so sure why that happened, what might have triggered his body to shut off and made him feel like he’s drowning and this is it, this is the end- but he’s at least glad that didn’t happen when Daniel’s around. 

Most of his breakdowns don’t happen when Daniel’s around. 

For some reason, only when the door closed behind him securely and he knows that Daniel won’t bother him for the rest of the night does the alarm go off and throw him back into the water.

“Kevin,” He hears Henry calls, and he blinks back. “You here with us dude?”

“Yeah, sorry. Was just thinking,” He assures them, and Henry nods. They’re all used to him just kind of drifting off like that, but right now in this context, it is more than worrying. “Anyway, you were saying?”

“And you said you’re listening,” James teases, and huh, when does his friend get so close, sitting next to him now with a hand carelessly thrown across him, resting on his other shoulder. “Therapy, we’re talking about therapy.”

“That I need, I’m guessing?” He asks dryly, before sobering up. “Well yeah, I know that already. Just haven’t gotten the time to start looking into it yet. I just got back here, after all.”

“We would see it that you find someone good Kev, it’s chill,” Liam says, before kicking him lightly. “Scoot over, I want to cuddle too.”

“Fuck off, he’s mine,” James shots back, his voice just a bit muffled from where he has leaned on Kevin. “Henry can stay though.”

“Hey!” Liam protests and they fall back into easy banter like nothing has ever happened, like he doesn’t just lay his heart out for some of his closest friends and Kevin doesn’t find it in himself to mind that much. 

He just doesn’t think he can take the pity looks right now.

* * *

3\. Discuss Boundaries (again)

* * *

He has been looking forward to this appointment so much, and god, seeing Kara again is a blessing. So much can happen in a week, and when she asks “how are you Daniel?” he just- the words just flows out and so do the tears because he is still such a fucking wreck and Kara has to guide him through another calming exercise but god-

It’s good to let it out this time, where he knows he can let it out without being judged. 

Even the silence back in the house feels like it’s condemning him, so it’s- it’s a bit better here with Kara’s calming words. It helps him calm down properly, and it feels like it has been so long when it’s not even half of their appointment yet when he’s back and grounded.

They, or well, mostly he, talks more smoothly after that. Kara lets him vent, only interrupting here and there to ask for clarification but mostly she listens and sometimes she scribbles something down in her notes but he doesn’t care much for that right now.

It’s also nice to have someone to just listen to his shit.

“I think,” Kara begins, and he looks up. She looks the same since they started, not a hair out of place when Daniel’s sure that he looks like shit. His hair must be a mess, his eyes are probably red like he’s high or something and everything in general about his demeanour screams sad and pathetic. “We should start on learning how to establish healthy appropriate boundaries first. Would you mind giving me a minute?”

“It’s fine,” He shrugs, and Kara sends him another smile before she stands up and walks over to the many shelves in the corner, searching for something. She returns rather fast with a piece of paper in hand, reading through it fast before handing it over to him. 

“I think this will be a good start for you. Shall we give this a try, Daniel?”

He scans through the list and sighs. It’s all obvious facts, all the things he knows but at the same time- it doesn’t feel like it at all. He reads through the words again, and when he thinks it to himself, most if not all still feel like a lie. 

“It’s not my job to fix others,” He tests the words out on his tongue, maybe saying it aloud will help but fuck- Still, he reads through them, one by one: “It’s okay if others get angry, it’s okay to say no, it’s not my job to take responsibility for others. I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others. It’s my job to make me happy, nobody has to agree with me. I have a right to my own feeling.”

Lies, lies lies fucking lies. 

“You’re missing one.”

He opens his mouth, but the words are lodged there in his throat, and he- he swallows, he takes a breath. It’s- fuck. “I’m enough.”

“You are,” Kara says, so matter of factly and he can’t find it in himself to agree. “We will start to work through these slowly if that’s alright with you?”

He nods, and Kara smiles at him again and they get on with the first line.

* * *

3a. It’s not my job to fix others, it’s my job to make me happy

* * *

Therapy is weird. It’s both warm and cold at the same time, in a way that Kevin can’t quite put into words. It’s the wooden theme design in the room and the weird clinical feel of papers on the table, the casual messiness of everything and also of the clipboard resting beside his therapist.

He actually has a fecking therapist now. Randal, their name is, and they're actually a breath of fresh air in his life. People always say that therapists are all white coats and cold glares, and Kevin doesn’t want to use the word detached but it feels like it. 

Randal, surprisingly, is none of those. They are sweatshirts with a simple vest outside and their glasses made them look a bit nerdy, though the compassion and understanding in their eyes shine through. They’re too emotional, or that’s what Randal had said during their first session, and Kevin’s tempted to think so too. He’s almost glad for it too.

Really, he doesn’t think he can just share his life story to someone that’s not in tune like that. Which is part ironic, and he chuckles because isn’t that something he has already done? He talks to his camera, and while he is imagining talking to his viewers, it’s still the lens that’s staring back. 

“What’s up?” Randal asks him, and he looks up properly. They’re leaning back on their seat, opposite to him and twirling the pen in one hand. It’s still another five minutes till their session officially starts, but he has gotten here early and the last session has ended sooner than they expected so why wait outside of the lobby when he can relax in here. 

Well, it couldn’t hurt to start early. “Thinking about my channel and such.”

“Ah yes, how’s that going out for you?” Randal perks up, looking a tad more excited. 

“Good, everything’s doing rather nice, surprisingly.”

And it is. Now that he’s away from Dan, he has a lot more time to throw into editing videos and making thumbnails and, well, actually playing the game of course. It’s nice, getting back into his old schedule back when he still doesn’t have editors, though he might have to look into hiring someone if Kipp and Tropical really aren’t up for it. 

He’s, this is nice. This is nice. 

“I’m glad to hear that then,” They say, just in time for a little alarm to go off on their phone. “And shall we start then, Kevin?”

“Sure. What are we doing today?”

Randal smiles, picking up his clipboard and flipping through the pages. He has seen the notes Randal keeps on his own file, and while some of it is...brutal and makes him want to deny its existence, he knows it's true. “Working more on boundaries, if that sounds good to you?”

“That’s what I’m here for, right?” 

“Unless you want us to re-discuss and set a different goal for your recovery here, then yes.”

He sighs, sinking more into his own seat. “Get on with it then,” He says, and Randal gives him a look that practically says that they will take their sweet sweet time with this, thank you very much.

Why does he even want to rush this anyway? He’s here to get some help, not to sabotage himself. This isn’t some video games with mechanics for him to break, it’s his life. 

“Tell me more about Daniel,” Randal continues. “Or rather, tell me why you like him.”

He flinches at the question but nods anyway. “He’s just a good person in general, I guess. A good friend, just- he’s everything I’m not. He’s so much better...”

He trails off, and Randal doesn’t say anything. He’s rather used to that too- sometimes Randal might prompt him to go on, and sometimes he’s the one figuring his own shit out. 

“He deserves so much better, at least.”

“And are you what he deserves?” Randal asks, and both of them know the answer’s no. “You’re trying hard to become what he needs.”

“When you put it like that, maybe.”

“You’re trying hard to build yourself up to please him.”

“Maybe.”

“Are you afraid that he will leave you?” They venture a guess, one that hits the nail right on its head. Kevin winces, and that’s enough of a confirmation for Randal to write something down. “Talk to me, Kevin.”

“Yes- ok? What else do you want- yes, I’m afraid he will ditch me, what’s new?” He groans, and Randal gives him a patient look. It somehow only irks him more. “I try to be better for him, that’s what you want to hear?”

“Maybe,” They say, echoing his own answer and Kevin frowns. “It’s less about what I want to hear and what you need to hear. How is it, admitting that aloud?”

“I have admitted that aloud before.”

“And?”

He huffs, shrugging. “And… It’s weird to say it, I think.”

“Weird, ok. What else?”

“It sounds fake, but that’s just me denying that. Uh, kinda relieved that I said it aloud instead of just trying to not think about it too. Lighter”

They beam at him. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

He hates being thanked, especially for something so trivial and simple, something that other people wouldn’t find it hard at all to do. He has a feeling Randal knows that, yet they keep doing it anyway.

“It’s nothing,” He mutters, and Randal waves him off easily. 

“It’s a lot, and I appreciate you for letting me know,” They say, and a simple compliment shouldn’t do so much to him, but it does. Feck. “But let’s not get sidetracked yet. You feel like you’re not enough, so you keep trying in hope to get Daniel to stay, yes?”

“Yeah…”

“And what did you do, in your trying?”

“I-” He pauses, thinking back. “I guess, I try to be there for him. To be well, stable for him and just try my best to get everything together so he doesn’t have to worry about me, you know? It’s a mix of this and that, really. I try my best to, uh, help with his own thing so he can see that I- I can be useful- and-”

He chokes on the word, and on a sob. Feck- “I want to try and get him back, and then maybe when he’s fine and all is good he can see that I was there- and He would see me for- like-”

“You take care of him in hope that he will…” Randal says, and that’s another one of their prompt. 

“Hope that he will, I don’t know...Love me, maybe?”

“Maybe. Do you love him?”

“Yeah, god- I’m such a mess-” Kevin chuckles through the tears, and Randal hands him a box of tissue. He uses that to wipe the snot and tears off, ugh that’s disgusting, but it just keeps coming and he can’t stop another sob from making its way out of his throat- feck-

“Kevin,” Randal says, at some point, and there’s a warm hand on his shoulder that reminds him that he’s still here- it’s- Dan’s not here anymore, it’s just him and Randal- he can let go-

It’s not fine, but at the same time it is, and feck. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

“Take your time,” he hears, and Kevin nods. Yeah- it’s fine, he doesn’t need to hurry up so he can go downstairs, not a single hair out of place and pretend that he’s fine, that staying with Daniel doesn’t wear him the feck down like concrete around his feet as he drowned in the sea. “It’s ok to let go.”

It is, he is letting go, it’s fine. When he comes down, the air feels marginally much better and he takes in another deep breath, forcing himself to follow the familiar rhythm and also matches Randal’s breathing. “Sorry,” he says when he’s sure he can actually say something without choking up, and Randal shrugs.

“It’s fine, and again, it’s good to let things go. How are you feeling?”

“Bit better, not gonna lie,” He chuckles weakly, wiping the last of the tears away with his hand. God. “It’s, you know how it is.”

Randal hums, moving back to their seat and he gets comfortable again. He doesn’t even realise he has doubled over, almost curling onto himself throughout all of that, but he kinda does and when he moves his back protests with a sharp pang up his nerve. Kevin winces, gritting his teeth. He needs to get back to going to the gym, or something along that line- Jesus Christ. 

“Sor-” He stops himself at Randal’s look. Right, no need to apologise for that- it’s fine. “Where were we?”

“You having a crisis over the L-word, and then more,” Randal says, and it’s an attempt to lighten up the mood that kind of works, and Kevin relaxes his shoulder. “You do realise love doesn’t work like that, yes? It’s not an I give you something and now you have to love me kind of deal.”

“Yeah, I know,” He answers. “Hard to, I guess, actually not do that, you know? I’m being such a dick about that too, but god damn-”

“And you also realise that it’s not your job or responsibilities to fix others, yes?”

“...Yes?”

It’s a bad lie, one that Randal can easily see through because of course they can. “It’s your job to fix yourself first and foremost, and putting others above you is unhealthy and harmful. You’re your priority, not anyone else, alright?”

“Alright- It’s my job to make me happy, ok-” He says it, and then says it again. “It’s- ok.”

“I think it’s best if we go through some self-care methods now, if you’re up for those?”

“That sounds good.”

* * *

3b. It’s ok to say no, I have a right to my own feeling

* * *

Daniel looks at his twitch channel, currently hosting Kiwo as she runs through Hogwart, doing her roleplay thing. Though right now he’s not here to watch his friend, more like just staring at his inactive site. If it was an actual place, he imagines there would be dust everywhere, maybe even cobwebs like those stereotypical abandoned houses. 

And it is abandoned- the channel. He hasn’t touched it since the start of the apocalypse, and that was- Jesus Christ that was...that was months ago. Fucking hell… He knows he needs to get back to it soon, whether he wants to or not because at the end of the day, that is still his job. Even if right now money isn’t the problem, he knows it won’t stay like that forever. 

Still, even trying to talk to an audience is hard. He used to be able to do it so easily, sliding into that mindset in a snap, but fuck- And this is he trying to take Kara’s advice about giving himself a break, lower his expectation, sorts through his thoughts, bla bla bla. It’s frustrating, and he half wants to tear his hair out.

With a sigh, he clicks off the tab. No need to torture himself more so than necessary. 

He stands up from the setup and lays down on his bed instead. It’s cold, and he shivers slightly before grabbing the blanket and pulls that over. It doesn’t help much, or maybe it’s not temperature cold as much as it’s just- cold. He knows he’s making absolutely zero sense, probably, but it’s just how it is.

He doesn’t have to explain himself to anyone here anyway. 

Still, the need to do so is there and nagging at his useless brain. It’s not even the need to explain, it’s the need to do something and go somewhere and be active and actually living but at the same time, he feels like he can’t even lift his fingers up anymore, much less standing up and walking around. The moment he lays down, Daniel knows it’s a goner. Another day wasted. 

As if he hasn’t wasted enough time already.

He doesn’t sleep that night, he doesn’t do anything that night beside staring up at the ceiling. It’s a familiar sight by now, and it doesn’t help him at all.

Daniel doesn’t know when he passed out, but when he comes to again, the sun is shining and George is laying by his side, fast asleep. God, he wishes that was him, but at the same time, he should get out of bed now. 

Moving is indeed hard, but he manages to drag himself to the bathroom at least. A splash of water wakes him up more, and he blinks at his reflection. Jesus fuck, he looks like shit.

His hair is getting way too long, and there are bags under his red eyes, a leftover sign from crying like a bitch and going to sleep at god knows when. He needs to take better care of himself, that’s for sure. Self-care, Kara has especially stressed that point every session, and he has been mostly following along.

He stays hydrated and eats, keeps clean and all that stuff. And he knows it’s not a big deal for other people to do that, but fuck it, is it hard for him. Some days he can’t even get up, much less getting something in his stomach.

Today, however, is luckily not some days. He does manage to do all that, and even change into some clean clothing too and Daniel can’t help but to feel just slightly proud of himself. 

He’s doing something, and anything is better than just laying in bed. Small steps, Kara’s voice echoes in his head, and he nods to himself. Small steps. Just, he doesn’t have to do much, he just needs to do it without thinking too hard about anything. Left foot, right foot, small steps, keep walking. Everything is fine.

There are people around him, not so much so that he can’t hear his own thoughts, but just enough to make his steps slower and his eyes flicker around a bit more. 

Small steps. He’s fine, and if he isn’t there’s always a shop or something that he can dodge into. Until there is not and he’s in a park, walking around and enjoying the rare nice weather. 

The park. He’s pretty sure that’s where Kevin was- that night. There are still some people around, families mostly with small children running around the lake thing- and he gulps. 

Have they taken care of it? Or is the damn zombie even there and Kevin was just being paranoid- there’s no way Kevin was though, he had sounded so sure. He had walked away too, leaving the damn thing there though he can’t find it in himself to play the blaming game. Hell, if he was there he would run like the coward that he is. 

Still, he walks over, crouching down and looks at his reflection again. Nothing has changed since this morning except for the fact that he has some proper clothing on and his hair looks a bit better after spending a few minutes styling it back. The surface of the water ripples through, distorting the reflection, and Daniel frowns. Now that he is actually here, he can almost imagine what Kevin was doing. 

Perhaps he got curious too, his steps taking him to where Daniel is right now. He doesn’t know if Kevin would crouch down, it seems like he was more likely to stand there and watch than doing anything. But maybe at some point, he would, getting closer to the water. 

There are people around, but the noise strangely quiets down around him. He can hear his heart beating louder in his ribcage as he reaches forward, just a bit. Perhaps Kevin was reaching forward too, reaching for something - well, a specific thing, under the water. Did he feel as disconnected as Daniel is right now, where every move is hazy? Or was he living in the moment? So many questions, so many possibilities that lead to the same ending.

He shouldn’t be here, doing this. He’s better than this. 

Daniel pauses, stands up and walks away. He’s not even sure why he even comes here in the first place, especially now that every sense in his body seems so much stronger, almost overwhelming. Perhaps it’s a curiosity that he doesn’t even know he was wondering about in the first place, or because the place now has Kevin’s name plastered all over in his head. 

He has a feeling that maybe he should stay there more. 

But also fuck that. 

With a sharp right, he walks over to the nearest hairdresser instead. He can dwell on it more when he gets back home, or perhaps during the next session, but now he just wants to relax a bit. 

It’s nice, anyway, to actually get out of the house. He knows why he’s so averse to the idea of being out in the open in the first place, but for some reason, it doesn’t feel so bad this time around. He still misses the feeling of Kevin walking beside him anyway, a hand wrapped around his waist protectively. 

Ah, maybe that’s why. 

He does say that he just wants to relax, but it seems like this is all he will think about throughout his hair cut, and in a store getting groceries, and all the way back to his home up until the point he collapses on the bed again. George curls up by his side quickly the moment he settles down, and he shifts so that he can scratch George comfortably. 

Ah, he misses Kevin. A lot.

There are so many things to do, yet he’s still missing Kevin. Sad. Pathetic. But what else is new?

Kara had also said to try and focus on something else, something other than this nagging miserable pining- or well, not so much pining as it’s just obsessing, and he sighs. George meows back, but otherwise, there’s no one here that reply.

When he shifts again, his eyes catch his setup. His gaze flickers down, landing on his table instead of the monitors and mic, and he catches sight of his little notebook. He hasn’t touched it for- for a long while now, but for some reason, it’s giving him a surge of energy to get up and grab a pen and flip open the page again.

He doesn’t have to get back to streaming, not for a while that is. He doesn’t have to be worrying about Kevin, hell, if anything Daniel bets Kevin’s having the time of his life right now.

He cares more about the words he jots down the page, starting an old WIP he has. The concept of time as an energy form is rather interesting.

* * *

3c. It’s not my job to take responsibility for others. I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others

* * *

“Bullseye!” Henry says, and Kevin laughs. “Try and beat that Kevin.”

“Oh, it’s on,” He grins, and directs his character over to where Henry is. They’re playing a dumb co-op game right now, not neccesary for video though if it’s funny enough he can edit it down to at least 10 minutes of them fooling around. It will be a nice treat for his audience at least, someone new that Kevin can easily bounce jokes off to and fro.

Not to say he doesn’t enjoy pissing people off in the RP videos or the like, but sometimes it’s just nice to joke around with his friend. 

He chuckles as he misses, and without a second thought, turns over to shoot instead. It’s a headshot, and this time both of them laugh aloud it almost sends him into a coughing fit. God- it’s good to just relax and have fun huh?

“Alright dude, I’m going to have to go now I think,” Liam says when the game ends, and he nods absentmindedly before remembering Liam’s not in the same room to see his gesture. He clears his throat and actually says something this time, a quick goodbye before Liam exits the voice call.

The room plunges back into silence when he cuts everything off, and Kevin let out a breath, cracking his neck. Ok, he definitely has been sitting here for a tad too long. He stands up, and groans as his back protests. Jesus fecking christ. 

Ok, go out for a walk or something, god. He sighs, grabbing his jacket and swinging that on quickly, falling into steps with the crowd around him. Just walking around works wonder, actually, and he really needs to get back into working out. And actually committing to the idea instead of just thinking about it and then simply don’t.

Well, now that he is outside, might as well try to get that done and maybe just have a look around again. Because seriously, so many things have changed, it’s wild.

Cork has definitely changed a lot during his time away, shockingly a lot but to be fair they did just go through a zombie apocalypse. It would be more surprising if there aren't modified doors and houses that he guesses would make it difficult for zombies to break through really. Huh, he’s rather sure his place is the only house in the neighbourhood to not do this, actually.

He should probably get that fixed at some point.

Or not. He doesn’t mind bashing their heads in, and he still has the golf club as a weapon. 

Ah, choices choices. He sighs, continuing on with his wandering. It is nice, just walking around and breathing in the fresh air, and the wind blowing through his hair is soft and weirdly comforting. He has never even one for outside much. 

For once, throughout all this, there’s a certain spark of joy in his chest. It’s not the same spark as when he finishes a session, that’s more of a calm afterglow, not quite the same as the one he has when he makes videos either. It’s hard to describe, but he doesn’t want the moment to end.

It does. Ends, that is, with a ping from his phone and Kevin fetches his phone out of the pocket. And nearly want to throw it away from him when he sees it’s a message from Daniel.

Jesus feck, isn’t he the one who insisted on boundaries in the first place? What happened to that? 

He looks at his lock screen for a minute, debating whether or not he should answer. Oh, he knows he shouldn’t, the same way he shouldn’t pick up the phone nights ago, but still, his hand trembles while still holding tight on the phone. 

Last time Dan called, things didn’t end well. He suspects things also didn’t end well on Daniel’s end. He was probably in another one of his breakdowns when he called, Kevin guesses, though there’s no way to get a solid confirmation. Not when he’s too much of a coward to start a conversation the next day and Daniel’s also too much of a coward to send him an explanation.

Not that Daniel owed him one but- well, scratch that, he definitely does. You don't suddenly call someone, don’t say anything and then don’t answer any calls back. 

And now he’s messaging him. 

Feck this. He clears the notification, ignoring the guilt and need in his chest. Daniel probably just wants to talk or something or to clear the air, or maybe he needs help and Kevin is the one he turns to. 

Kevin shouldn’t be the one he turns to though.

The guilt lessens just a bit.

* * *

3d. I’m enough

* * *

Kevin doesn’t answer him. Hell, he doesn’t even read it, and Daniel’s glad that he doesn’t. Even if it’s just a dumb message, a hello from him. Actually, if Kevin’s any smart and Daniel knows that he is, he would have already blocked his number. 

Daniel both hopes that he has and hasn’t. 

Still, he doesn’t even acknowledge the harmless message that was sent 3 days ago, and he’s glad. Because god, if he needs any other indication that Kevin has moved on, this is it. Kevin’s done with him, simple as that. 

Everything with Kevin is so simple, why can’t this be like that too? 

No use complaining, he tells himself, putting the phone down and turning his attention back to the two open books in front of him. One he easily recognised, and one he recently bought. One filled with words and ideas, concepts and worldbuilding and one brand new, only a few pages in yet harder (and at the same time, easier) to write than anything he has ever written.

It was Kara’s suggestion, another exercise of her that Daniel’s actually very interested in. To write down all the events he deems important about all of this and make a proper book with the prologue and epilogue, and everything in between. A good way to process his feeling and emotion, Kara said, almost trying to convince him to give it a try as if he hasn’t been on board since the first sentence left her mouth.

So he bought a notebook, plain cover and sits down with the animal crossing music playing and getting writing.

He has been writing a lot these days, actually. Both on his own ideas, and now this. And the book, though an autobiography would be a more apt explanation, has been growing. He doesn’t know where to start, maybe a brief explanation about himself, before shrugging and picking a random point in his life to get chapter 1 going. 

To no one’s surprise, chapter 1 is when he first started doing YouTube. It’s a good point, he muses, the start of it all. His career, his friendship, Kevin… 

He definitely has to write about Kevin in the majority of his book. He’s not looking forward to it, not at all, but he can’t just- not have Kevin there either. The whole zombie apocalypse, or at least most of it was with Kevin, and then Kevin was there throughout the first few months of the post-post apocalypse too.

Was there, he isn’t anymore. 

Daniel swallows, and let himself leans down on the table, his head against the soft page of the book. He’s not over this, and he knows he won’t be over it for a long while or perhaps he will just- never get over Kevin but fucking hell. His traitorous brain still refers to Kevin with sweet and dumb nicknames that he has never said aloud, and the small part of his rationality left isn’t enough to knock all of this fuckery going inside his head out either. 

He writes about How to Annoy, the gamer/entertainer with an Irish accent that made a fucking big impact on his childhood. It was that series and then the Yogcast and a few others that pushed him into YouTube after all, so he deserves a few paragraphs for that achievement. 

He writes about uni, the friends he made, Japan and then his channel exploding. He writes until his fingers are cramped and ache, and when he looks at the clock it’s 2 in the morning already. He thinks he sat down properly at 11.

The start of his book is not that long despite the 3 hours of writing, mostly a short summary that fills up about 7 pages. In the 3 hours of writing that can be shortened into 1 and a half hour at most because he has been procrastinating on starting on the zombies part of the book. 

He almost wants to approach it like he does a normal fiction book, but it’s not fiction at all. For once zombies are nonfiction, and the thought makes him chuckle just a bit in the dead of night. He doesn’t think he will laugh at that, ever, but he’s tired enough that it seems like a good dumb joke and once he starts he couldn’t exactly stop the bubbly laughter from escaping again.

Daniel laughs, nearly doubling over himself, because god- it’s zombie, they aren’t supposed to be real but they are, or at least they were, and the effect they had on his life is almost too real for this to be funny. He has to force himself to quiet down when George stirs, his tail gives a light flicker from where he is laying on the bed but god- it is funny for all the wrong reason and if that isn’t a sign that he needs some sleep then he doesn’t know what.

The chapter about fucking zombies can wait until tomorrow, it’s not like it will go anywhere. He wishes it would tho, and maybe it can drag all of this trauma with it too. 

Of course it doesn’t go anywhere, the book and the trauma. 

He doesn’t dream much these days, but when he does it’s the same dream, repeated over and over and over again in his head. Or at least the same cocktail of emotion, helplessness and desperation and depreciation being recycled with different settings.

It’s not a different setting today, not that it matters that much in the end. Hell, he can dream that he’s in candy land and will still wake up having trouble telling what is real and not, is the movement he sees out of the corner of his eyes real or his imagination playing, hyper-aware of the footsteps that probably isn’t even there. 

But it’s not candy land, it’s him and Kevin in the alleyway. It’s him having a tight grip on his bat, it’s Kevin looking worse for wear, his skin paler than usual and that only draws attention to the bright red bite mark on his arm. 

It’s him not getting there soon enough, not being good enough, and he doesn’t want to take a swing. But Kevin is there, and Kevin is smirking with that infuriating smug smile of his, and Kevin is saying something. The words are barely understandable, barely English, barely human but he understands it anyway. 

He shouldn’t be alive, wouldn’t be alive without Kevin.

It feels like a secret. It’s almost shameful. Every breath he takes, every beat of his heart feels like cheating. It feels wrong, so so wrong and he doesn’t want anyone to know that he may as well be a corpse, a dead man walking. 

Kevin’s getting closer, dragging himself over to Daniel and he doesn’t move. Doesn’t swing, doesn’t run, doesn’t scream. Kevin’s touching him, his fingers oh so cold trailing up Daniel’s arm, up and up until he’s cupping Daniel’s face almost gently, tilting it so that he’s looking directly at Kevin. 

Kevin smiles, and he can see the hint of the familiar shit-eating grin and then the more exposed teeth on the side. 

“Hey,” Kevin breathes- no, not breathes, he can’t do that anymore, his chest isn’t going up and down anymore so perhaps whispers would be more correct. “How are you, Dan?”

A simple question, and it says a lot that he takes so long to answer. But he does, a simple “Not so great,” and Kevin chuckles. He’s so close, he should push Kevin away, he doesn’t. 

“Of course, it’s always not so great for you,” Kevin says, and somehow that hurts more than the iron tight grip Kevin has on him at the moment, his free arm snaking around Daniel’s waist and pulling him in close and then closer. “Poor Danny boy, always feeling not so great. Isn’t that right?”

He nods, or at least tries his best with Kevin’s hand still there, rubbing small circles on his cheeks. And then it is….gone, Kevin is gone and the sudden shift gives him vertigo as he comes tumbling down onto the concrete road.

“How are you, Daniel?” another voice asks, and he blinks. He isn’t in the alleyway, he’s sitting opposite to Kara, but he still holds on tight to his bat like a lifeline. “Is everything alright?”

“No, no it’s not,” He answers, and Kara gives him a smile that’s neither kind nor patient. He has almost wanted to ask for help, to let himself go in the little nonlinear place where all that matters is him and Kara, and their conversation but Kara smiles a bit wider, and then wider and then she’s reaching out with cold- cold dead hands and he wants to scream.

He wants to, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t. 

“Everything for you is not alright, isn’t it?” She asks, Kevin asks, they ask and he nods. “And you can’t even cry for help, god- Why are you like this?”

He doesn’t know why, but he knows he’s crying. He knows there are hands grabbing at him, pushing him down and down into the water and he goes along, getting one last deep breath before all he knows is water. Water around him, pulling and pushing him, not yet inside him but he has a feeling it will get there very soon- he’s not the best at holding his breath, and the small bubbles of air have already started to flow up to an unseen surface. 

Daniel doesn't know what he expects to see, but it certainly isn’t a weird mermaid version of George to swim over. His cat has a fishtail now, the same colour as his fur to replace his actual cattail and two hind legs. 

He doesn’t expect George to start talking, or some weird version of voice projection because his mouth is not moving, he’s just floating gently in front Daniel but there is a voice inside his head. 

“How are you doing?” George asks in a voice that he will never, not in a million years let himself associate with his lovely cat. 

“I’m stressed, I guess.”

George gives him the tiniest nod, swimming around him and he tries to turn around to follow George, but everything feels heavy and even trying to move his legs to kick is hard. “So you are. I think you need to take a break.”

No shit, he thinks- or is this he speaks? Well, no shit, he knows that already. He is taking a break, a really long one as it is already. 

“You’re not though. You’re still worrying, still grasping at your work, still overthinking everything. I think you need to take a break. Even if you love what you’re doing, you need time to relax.”

He is relaxing though, right?

“Even in the most beautiful song, if you hold a note for too long it just becomes noise,” The voice that’s maybe coming from George says, and he nods. That makes sense, makes the most sense right now. It makes more sense than the fact that George is getting smaller and smaller until he realises that it’s he who’s going deeper down and farther away, and no amount of kicking and swimming will get him back up again. It’s getting darker around him too, at least before there’s still a glimmer of light from up above, piercing through the water but right now it’s almost pitch black and it’s getting harder to breathe.

“Life is like this,” The voice who has not left him continues, despite there being no George around. “It’s impossible to see through it and is full of unforeseeable perils, but you still have to move through it with your own light.”

He doesn’t have a light, or maybe he does. 

“And some people have better light, and there is nothing you can do about that.”

There’s no light, hell, there are dark spots around his vision and his body is begging him to breathe in, despite knowing there’s water around. It burns, his instinct fighting against his brain, but in the end, he gives in and breathes in. 

The water burns worse, filling him from the inside out and he coughs helplessly but he feels lighter and everything is just a bit easier to control.

“All we can do is to choose our own path.”

Ok, maybe it’s not the same dream every night, but every night he wakes up screaming anyway. This time there’s coughing involved too, and the urge to hack out waters even though there isn’t any to cough out- and it’s a dream.

It’s a dream, he can’t breathe but he’s also breathing too fast and there are gaspings and sobbing as the tears continue to flow down his face. He needs to breathe, he’s still underwater- no, he’s not underwater anymore, and he lets himself take a deep breath in, relieved that it’s air and not water that’s going in and out. 

In and out, 4 7 8. 

He’s in his room, George is beside him looking like how a normal cat should, and he’s still crying. He also feels so much more tired than he had going to sleep, and Daniel groans. 

What the fuck was that- that whole thing? If he doesn’t know better, he would say that he’s hallucinating, that he may have taken a tab before going to sleep or something but Jesus fuck- What the actual fuck. Just- what the actual fuck? 

He’s used to the confusion whenever he wakes up from one of those dreams, but that one…

It definitely was one of the weirdest, and strangely- most helpful? He doesn’t even know, it’s a lot to process, and just for the hell of it he gets up and grabs the book, flipping to the last page and writes it down. The dream- it isn’t something he wants to forget just yet, but it’s something he wants to dissect too. 

Because, and once again, what the fuck? Even reading the words as they’re being written down is enough of a trip for him, something only him being very drunk at 4 am can even think about- but also too coherent for it to be 4 am drunk him. He can’t even think of how he will feel when he reread them, so he doesn’t, closing the book and tossing it back on the table alongside the pen.

Daniel sighs. Well, his weird cryptic dream can wait, because thank god it’s a day where he can actually get up and drag himself down to the kitchen and make some food. Hell, he only flinches twice when he feels someone grabbing his forearm or hearing voices throughout it all, and both incidents can be blamed on his dream.

His dream, of course it will circle back to that.

Kevin’s voice, hoarse and awkward like he hasn’t used it in a long time. Kara’s voice is so different from the Kara he knows. What they had said still plague his mind as he sits down, eating the hastily thrown together pancakes.

He’s still not alright.

That seems to be the gist of it, and Kevin’s confirming he is not alright is expected. It’s not the first time he dreamed of Kevin, Kevin doing what he should have done months ago and leaving Daniel when he still has the chance to. It’s the first time he has dreamed of Kevin being a zombie though and for a second another grim version of what could have happened flashed through his eyes before getting rushed away.

Kara- Kara agreeing with Kevin though, that’s new. She usually is the stable point, or at least playing neutral in dreamland but this time she lashes out too, going along with Kevin’s words that burn like acid. 

That probably says something about his own opinion on himself. Daniel chuckles, then laughs. Of course it does, what else would it be?

Even when he’s trying to cut the self-deprecation back in real life, his head still finds another way to get to him. It is kind of inevitable, he muses as he makes himself a cup of coffee, black. The taste will be horrible, but Daniel just has a feeling that he will need it today more so than ever.

Self-deprecation aside, there’s also that part with MerGeorge. Huh, the little nickname makes him smile a bit before the conversation echoes in his head again, and the smile melts away just as fast as it appears. 

He’s taking a break, but also not. He is still worrying and stressing, that part is right, and relaxation doesn’t come that easily. Those self-care tips from Kara should help, and it does- some of them. Getting out more does wonders to him, something about the fresh air and change of scenery from what Kara said. Getting enough sleep is harder, but he is settling in a cycle of sorts so he’s counting that as a win. 

He’s doing well, despite what MerGeorge said and oh god, he can’t take that name seriously, and Daniel giggles. Despite what his dream said, he corrects himself. Despite what cryptid wisdom bullshit his dream was spourting.

And there’s something about life and light, something that sounds like it comes straight out of a motivational poster, but it is correct. He guesses. He does agree with the whole choosing your own path at least, that’s something he tries to stick through with his life. Do what he wants. 

He has tried to do what Kevin’s want for a while, but to be fair their wants align up like that: surviving, and then getting better. And he is getting better, Daniel thinks. Slowly, painfully- some days he still wishes to get back to the day before Kara dropped that bombshell on him, before he has to face the fact that his relationship with Kevin is so god damn unhealthy. Maybe he would actually kiss Kevin without getting pushed away, before all of this.

He hates himself for still fantasising about that, sometimes. Rarely does he nod to himself, acknowledge it, and move on. Most of the time the thought reduces him down to a mess, like the early day of the apocalypse without any motivation to do anything. 

Choose your own path, the words echo softly in his head, and he sighs and downs the coffee in one go. It burns his throat but he can feel the caffeine kicking in almost instantly. It has always been rather easy for it to affect him, though maybe a whole cup of black coffee is too much. 

He has a book to finish, or at least get through the first draft as of right now. Whether or not that is his little time project or the autobiography is yet to be seen, but he’s both excited and scared to work on either of them. 

It has been a while since writing does that to him. 

It has been a while that he sat down and managed to crank out a few thousand to his estimation in such a short time span, and the feeling of productivity floods through him, not so suffocating much as it leaves him feeling accomplished. As he writes down the final sentence for the start of the apocalypse, chapter 3, he leans back on his chair and stretches his hands and fingers. 

Chapter 3 ends with Kevin finding out about the whole rotting deal, and Daniel thinks that’s as good of a place to end it on. That’s enough for the day, really, even if it’s not much in the grand scheme of things, or at least in this case, the plot. It is, as it is right now, enough.

That’s enough, and he’s enough.

* * *

4\. Just keep going

* * *

“Appreciate ya as always folks, and I will see you next time! Bye for now,” Kevin says to the camera, grinning at another video well done. This will be a very entertaining video, he can already tell - he breaks so many things, murders so many people and just genuinely having some good fun. Hell, he wishes he can keep going, but it is already longer than his usual video and he still has editing to do. 

Clicking on Premiere and waiting for it to load, he leans back on his chair and stretches. The whole working out thing is doing wonder, and he doesn’t feel like dying, sitting here for straight hours and he smiles. This is rather nice, and he pulls up the footage from the day before that he still hasn’t gotten around to do yet. It’s gonna be one of those days where he will sit there and edit and thumbnail for the next few hours, Kevin can already tell, and he cracks his fingers before getting to work.

His Spotify playlist is going in the background, I’ll follow you into the dark starts playing when his phone dings. He turns over, a raised eyebrow at who could be bothering him at this hour - it is getting rather late and pauses at a stream notification from RTGame.

He has forgotten that he still has the notification on.

Ah.

It has been a while since he has seen that username too, almost- he looks at the date, and winces. Almost a year since their little separation. How time flies, he wants to say, before stopping himself. Oh, how he wishes time flies, but it has been a slow year between getting back to his habit, going to therapy with Randal and catching up with friends and family. A productive year that leaves him lighter, but still a slow one. 

He contributes said slowness to the fact that some days he just kinda sits there and wastes away, though those are far few in between now. 

Anyway, RTGame… he hesitates to click on the notification. It’s a just chatting kind of stream from the name, an update stream if he has to guess. 

A part of him is happy to see Daniel streams again, another can’t help but worried: why is he online at this time, is he actually fine, is he pushing himself and Kevin stops himself before that train of thoughts can spiral out of control.

Daniel is not- he doesn’t have to worry about Daniel. It’s not his responsibility to, he doesn’t have to, Daniel can take care of himself. 

That doesn’t stop his traitorous brain from still referring to Daniel as his best friend, and maybe that’s the worst part. He hasn’t seen Daniel in a year, zero sights of him on discord or twitter and the like, no videos, yet it feels like some days he can’t even function. One of those days.

Kevin sighs, stops the music and clicks on the notification, punching in the password and watches as Twitch opens up. He hears Daniel’s voice before the visual loads, sounding clear and happy, and his stomach twists and ties itself into knots. He looks better too, healthier, his skin not as pale like he has been getting more sun. His hair looks nice, Kevin notes, and his hand twitches. 

There are 5k people watching alongside him, donations are flowing in, and Daniel is answering questions with the animal crossing music playing in the background. He’s laughing and joking with the chat, and it only takes Kevin about 10 minutes of watching to get a vague full picture: Daniel is in Japan, he’s doing his best with his own stuff to be sorted out, he will be trying to get back to a streaming schedule, he is fine.

He is fine. 

He is also flinching when the donation’s notification got a bit too loud, and he can see the familiar sight of his bat in the background of Daniel’s new bedroom. But he’s fine, he’s doing better - better than Kevin is doing right now at least, and he grits his teeth. 

He is fine without you, his brain gloats, and you’re not fine without him. He’s- he is close to fine, but some days it dips so hard, and god- His grip on the phone tightens until his knuckles are white, and he breaths, in and out. 

It has been a while since it dips this low. It’s Thursday, it isn’t until tomorrow that he meets Randal again, and he- he only has to last a night. He has done this before, it’s just a dumb relapse because he makes the dumbest mistake of clicking on the stream and watching Daniel being so good like that- 

It hurts more than he can think it ever will. 

It’s not the first time he dips, not the first time all the energy and motivation leaves his body, leaving him a useless mess on the couch. It probably won’t be the last time either, he doesn’t know if the last time will even exist, but he likes to pretend it does anyway. Fake it till you make it, Randal had said, is a surprisingly good method.

He can keep faking it, he is rather good at lying to himself. 

The stream is still playing, Daniel having switched to booting up Breath of The Wild and gone is his facecam. It makes it easier to click off, and he does, plunging the room back into silence- well, not quite. The ending guitar notes of I will follow you into the dark keeps him company, and he sings along softly.

“If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”

There are people beside Daniel now, and he’s not one of them. He doesn’t have to be one of them, doesn’t have to throw everything away to follow Daniel anymore. 

He’s not fine, but he might be. 

“...and I’ll follow you into the dark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, with an 11k-ish chapter as a gift. Writing this takes a while, and I'm sorry for skipping the weekly update but in all honesty, I don't want to rush this. It's a long chapter, it tackles many things that I'm still tackling, and it's a lot of callouts all rolled over into one major chap.
> 
> Most of these are stuff I have gone through, the rest is stuff other people have gone through. The list Kara gives Dan is an actual list a therapist will give you, or at least a friend's therapist did and it's a list I try to follow and fake it till I make it. The steps about preventing codependency aka the first guideline I was gonna stick through before changing plan, goes like this:
> 
> \- discuss boundaries. lay out with your partner a basis (or schedule if need be) on which to spend time with one another that does not cause your other relationships, career/education, and personal time to suffer severely.
> 
> \- make room for personal time with friends, without the other person. maintain your outside relationships. if you ignore them for the sake of your partner, you’ll slowly lose them, and won’t have anyone else by the time the relationship has run its course. this will also ensure that you can maintain individual relationships with others on your own without the influence of your partner. (also, anyone would be able to tell you that trying to spend time with two people that are attached at the hip is very uncomfortable, and oftentimes devaluating)
> 
> \- find other emotional outlets and support than just the one person. find friends who can help you with your problems too, so the entire weight of them is not put on your partner and you have somewhere to go for help and support if you lose them.
> 
> \- take a time-out. spend a couple of weeks to a month apart, not spending extensive time together. while this may seem daunting, it will help you reassert authority over your own life and readjust to not being dependent on them. this also gives you and your partner time to take a breather and reflect if things are getting intense.
> 
> \- break it off altogether. this can be a terrifying, if not unthinkable, prospect. but if you cannot be together and maintain your own lives and personal agency despite your best efforts, then you need to call it quits, no ifs ands or buts. 
> 
> In the end, I stick to a bit of a makeshift guide, taking inspo from other stuff on the internet that I've found while writing this chapter and the few previous one too. 
> 
> The dream part with MerGeorge is very much a dream obama quote, btw. And it is a good quote, and I figure why the hell not- dreams are weird and dreams sometimes tell you that "oh, you're still hating on yourself but you're also trying to get better" and it's both strange and funny if you think about it too hard. It's close to a dream I had had, tweak a bit to fit the fic so yeah. 
> 
> The very last thing is that you might notice this chapter is very repetitive! And you would be correct because it is but hey, some things you just have to drill into your head again and again.
> 
> And as usual, thank you for giving this a read! I appreciate all of you and your comments (even if I still haven't rep) and just- I didn't expect 100 kudos, nor did I expect the hits to get over 700. Your support doesn't go unnoticed, because god knows how many time I almost say fuck it while writing this chapter, and coming back to the works to just see those- it helps. A lot. So thank you, and I will see you (hopefully) next Saturday! Cheers friend! 
> 
> (also absolutely zero beta for this monster, excuse the mistake and typo)


	12. it's no proper goodbye, but it is one regardless

“Dan,” Kevin says, and Daniel turns back to look at him. He wasn’t actually going to call his name aloud, but what done is done and he cracks a hesitant smile. “Good to see you, man.”

“Hey Kevin,” Daniel says back to him, the nervousness shines through his fake bravado. “I- Um, I don’t know you would be here.”

That’s a lie and they both know it, the same way they both know Kevin’s panel is right after Dan’s. But Kevin doesn’t call him out on that, just nods. “How are you doing?”

“Rather fine actually, you?”

“I’ve been good.”

They lapse into an uncomfortable silence despite the fact that around them people are joking and talking and having a grand time. He isn’t sure what else to say- god, he should not even approach Daniel in the first place but… God, past Kevin is so stupid.

It’s Daniel who says something first, a simple question: “Do you want to uh, find a room or something? Or coffee, because we really need to catch up, dude.”

He nods. “Your pick, I’m fine with both really.”

“Coffee it is,” Daniel chuckles. He laughs when he’s nervous, Kevin notes to himself and doesn’t say anything about that either. He’s almost walking on eggshell right now, and one wrong move- he doesn’t even want to think about it.

“Lead the way, Condren.”

Daniel does, walking outside of the building and Kevin follows. They don’t talk during the walk, and it isn’t until they’re sat down in their seats at a small cafe about 5 minutes away, Daniel’s latte in front of him and Kevin taking a sip of the iced coffee he has ordered, that the conversation picks up again.

“Look- Kevin,” Daniel sighs, and he looks up. He has been avoiding eye contact, but now that he’s actually looking… Daniel looks good, better. “I honestly don’t know what to, well, do here- this is…”

“No, I get you,” He says, and pauses, trying to find the right word. “I’m not quite sure what to do either. It has been a while…”

“Do 3 years count as a while?” Daniel asks, and he shrugs. “It has been some time...You look like you’re doing good.”

“I am,” He agrees, and he’s only slightly shocked that he means it. “3 years, lots of shit gets done, especially-” he makes a vague gesture at his head, and Daniel chuckles. “Especially up there.”

“Therapy does wonder.”

“It- They do,” Kevin smiles. “And what has been going on with you? Last time I checked you were still in Japan.”

Ah shit, nice to tell Dan that he has been checking-

“It’s Japan, how can it not be nice,” Daniel shrugs. “Well, all jokes aside- Japan helps.”

“It does.”

“It’s the distance, isn’t it?” He asks, and Kevin nods at the obvious question. “It is hard to deal with all of this, and well- Just putting literal distance between you and me seems to be the best solution I have. Or at least one of the first-”

“I’m sorry,” He cuts Daniel off. “For everything.”

“Me too. But all is fine now, isn’t it?”

“Still,” He says, fidgeting with his own cup. “I just feel like I should say it. It’s nice to get that off, actually.”

“It is...Hey Kevin?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we still friends?”

It’s an olive branch that Daniel’s offering, and he doesn’t know if he wants to take it. He doesn’t know if Daniel wants to offer it in the first place, the words seem to slip out because he looks a bit shell shocked right now. Understandable, really, but- 

Before doing something for someone, think about yourself first. Determine if doing the thing will put you in a position to put yourself out, sacrifice your peace or needs. 

Randal’s words echo in his head, and Kevin gulps. He takes another sip to draw the time out, ignoring Daniel’s conflicted look and following their advice- It has been 3 years, a lot has changed. He knows a lot has changed, but he also knows a lot stays the same, and- god…

“Where does that come from?” 

“Just wondering aloud,” Daniel answers and pauses again. He can hear the cog and gear spinning around Dan’s head, trying to think his words through and he gives it a minute. “I...You’re a great guy, Kev- and well, before all of that- It was just, fun, to play with you and fuck around, you know? I missed that, without us being this strain.”

“Yeah…”

“And just, I- You know what, I’m sorry. I- god, I shouldn’t be doing this, Akia will be so mad at me for even talking to you again, shit-” 

And he sits there, watching Daniel mutters to himself, the words getting faster and faster and there’s that urge to reach over, to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and to calm him down. It’s a normal friend thing that friends do, it shouldn’t have that big of an implication but for him it is.

He has said Daniel’s like a drug at some point, or at least thinks that to himself.

He doesn’t want to get addicted again, doesn’t want to relapse. 

“It’s ok Daniel, really,” Kevin starts, and Daniel closes his mouth with a snap. “I- I don’t think I should keep talking to you, to be honest. Us, is a bad idea...You get it, right?”

Daniel sighs, it’s hard to tell if it’s one of relief or something else. It used to be so easy to read him, and Kevin’s just glad that it isn’t anymore.

“I do. Well, it has been fun regardless,” Daniel says, standing up. He collects all of his things: the phone, his backpack and a small notebook that he has been fidgeting with, fingers tapping on the plain cover. When Daniel’s hand lands on it again, he stops, before shaking his head slightly and stuffing that in the bag. “I will catch you around, Kevin.”

They both know that’s a lie, and Kevin chuckles despite himself as he watches Daniel heads out. He doesn’t feel like leaving just yet, not when his own coffee cup is only half-empty and his whole body feels exhausted after just a small talk. 

When he does inevitably stand up though, going to the counter only to find that his drink has been paid, Kevin laughs again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it ends. It isn't any epic, glamorous epilogue, not a grand chapter to go off on, but it is the end of "And I'll follow you into the actual apocalypse (and then more)"
> 
> Which, in the end, the title turns out to be a lie. 
> 
> I didn't plan for it to end this way, but the story writes itself sometimes. And there's a lot of ways this fic could have gone, but I'm glad it went this way. It started out as a fun zombie apocalypse fic, and it ends in a weird way that resonates with me and a few others. I think my favourite ending was that their relationship isn't so deep into codependency land, Dan does the writing methods earlier, Kevin eventually gets therapy and Randal get introduced sooner too, and it's more of an exploration in this new romance than it is an exploration in dealing with codependency. 
> 
> ( Speaking of Dan and his little book, the alt ending of this would have been Dan giving Kevin the journal, but that's a dick move and we're not going to do that in this household. )
> 
> Anyway, enough about what could have been. 
> 
> I'm happy that after 40k, this fic is done. There's a lot more I want to write for this, more on how everyone around them reacts, how the world and society at large reacts, those topics that got brushed over in chapter 11 get a larger part to play, etc but well, I'm content (and just a bit proud) to end this here. And maybe the ending is still not a healthy way of dealing with this, but it is what it is.
> 
> And I can only hope that you like this too. As always, thank you for reading friends. I will catch you around. 
> 
> (Ps. Wanna talk? head on over to tumblr @anonym-shhh)

**Author's Note:**

> Weekly updates on Saturday, so keep an eye out. Kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated if you even get here in the first place, I would love to know what you think about this and some encouragements are always nice ya know?


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